Midnight at the House of a Smoker (A Look at Smoke Cessation)

Midnight at the House of a Smoker (A Look at Smoke Cessation)

I had just gotten back from a three-day business trip. I was tired and more than ready for sleep. When I pulled back the covers at five minutes to midnight, my husband said, “Oh, no you don’t. You smell like a bar. Go take a shower before you come to bed!”

We had already taken to me smoking every cigarette outside and brushing my teeth before every kiss, but I must have really stunk if he was this adamant. I guess I shouldn’t have had that one cigarette in the airport in that smoke tank with the other twenty just-as-crazy smokers as I. The room was like wading through a thick gray fog. I could have just had a few breaths of the air and had a contact high.

So, I dragged my weary butt into the shower and washed my hair. As I was blow-drying my hair, I kind of hoped I was keeping him awake.  I resent him for keeping me from what I want to do, but I resent myself more for not having the guts to quit. I guess that’s honest truth. I argue for my rights as a smoker. But the truth is I hate the way I feel. I detest the way I smell. And worse yet, every day I segregate myself more from the people I love by smoking. Something inside likes it more than it likes life.

I sank into the bed after my hair was dry and fell asleep fairly quickly. What I do remember is waking up with a huge coughing attack. I had to get up about 4:00 a.m. and get a drink of water and catch my breath. The hacking is getting worse with every cigarette I smoke. My lungs burn and I fear the worse… cancer… like Dad.

You’d think that after quitting for ten years, the last thing I would do is pick cigarettes back up after my dad died of lung cancer, but that is exactly what I did. Anxiety, I complained to myself. Smoking eases my anxiety.

Now, what’s going to kill me sooner, the anxiety or cancer?

Two months ago I tried the patch—to no avail. Three months before that I tried Chantix, which just made me crazy. Cold turkey just scares the shit out of me. But I guess I’m going to have to do something soon, because I can’t live with myself, and it appears it’s getting harder to live with me too.

Well, it’s New Years. Maybe this is the day I’ll try and actually make it.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. Your connection to me blesses me in everyway possible. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

Midnight at the House of Someone Hungry (A Look at Dieting)

Midnight at the House of Someone Hungry (A Look at Dieting)

My eyes popped open at five minutes to midnight again. All I could think about was eating. The 3 carrot sticks, 4 celery sticks and ½ piece of low fat cheese I ate at 7 pm for a snack was rumbling around in my stomach like a boiling stew. I felt so hungry—more hungry than sleepy.

My wife was snoring next to me. She didn’t notice me getting out of bed. I snuck to the kitchen. My God, it had been days since I had been alone with food. I felt as if I would bust down the doors of every cupboard, trying to find the quickest fix I could: sugar, salty snacks, carbs—I didn’t care.

I started with some cookies. Before I realized it, I had wiped out two entire rows of Oreos and had drunk a quart of milk. I knew I should stop. But then that thing happens to me where I have to have something salty after I eat something sweet.

I spotted a bag of unopened potato chips on top of the refrigerator. I ripped into them, thinking the entire time of my innocence story I would need the next day when my wife saw the 1/2 empty bag. Then I thought maybe if I ate all the chips, took the bag to garbage can outside and threw it away, maybe she would forget she bought them completely. That’s what I did, as I licked the last bit of salt off of my fingers.

I washed my hands and face in the downstairs bathroom before heading back up to bed. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I could see the extra fat under my chin I wanted so badly to get rid of. I wanted to rip it off right there. I swear, I almost cried. Why can’t I stop eating? What’s wrong with me?

With my head down and ashamed, I went back to the bed. When I turned the covers over my shoulder, my wife wrapped her arm around me. “You okay, honey?” she whispered.

I didn’t answer. I just grabbed her tighter. I feared if I started to tell her what was wrong, I would really break down. I knew I would be better in the morning. I’m good at talking myself down. I can get up and know it’s a new day and that I have a wonderful family who loves me. It doesn’t matter how I look. I can convince myself that. I can convince myself that… until I stand on the scale. Then I’m sad all over again.

When did this start? When did I start hating myself so much that all I care about doing is hiding behind food?

When did every emotion get stuffed down with a piece of cake or a hoagie?

Must have been a long time ago.

A time I don’t want to think about.

I guess that’s why I’m here.

Right here.

Standing on the scale.

Sad.

Again.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to LOSE WEIGHT, Quit Smoking, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. Your connection to me blesses me in everyway possible. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

Midnight at the House of Someone Lonely (A Look at Being By Yourself)

Midnight at the House of Someone Lonely (A Look at Being By Yourself)

I wish everyone would have a friend. That love would never end. And that peace would fill the hearts of many, especially mine—tonight. I know that many people experience the loneliness that I did this holiday. I spent most of the time hiding out in my bedroom, watching TV, or asleep, hoping the time would pass quickly. I didn’t do this because my life isn’t good. I did it because I didn’t have anyone intimately special to share the holiday with.

I wonder how many people in the world took what should have been a joyous occasion and spent it in sad solitude because of a lack of an intimate partner. I believe I should be happy by myself, but I have trouble making it work in my own life, especially around the holidays. 

“You have to love your life without someone before you can love your life with someone!” my therapist says.

I know he’s right. I guess the problem with that is, this year I just became single two months before Christmas, so the adjustment is happening simultaneously with the holiday. When everyone wants and expects me to be happy, I am going around looking like I have been stabbed in the back with a very jagged knife.

I think I may have even contracted shingles in the process. I’ve never had them before, but I believe I have all the symptoms. No fun. I literally can’t shake the yuck sometimes. I just have been walking around in a funk for about three weeks. I can’t wait for New Years to be over and done with. I want the regular world to just be back to normal, so I can get back to normal.

I want to be fun and jolly again. I love making people laugh. I can’t even muster that mischievous little kid inside who loves a prank or a good joke. She, too, is sullen and void of emotion. I just want to sleep all the time. I know I’m depressed, but no amount of antidepressant is helping right now. I guess I should make another appointment with my psychiatrist. But then again, maybe I should wait until after New Years, because I’ll probably go back to being normal again, and I won’t need the extra help.

What is with all this crap about being in relationship anyway? Most of the year all my friends complain about their partners. He’s too controlling. He never let’s me spend any money. She bitches about everything. I can’t do anything right.

Well, if that’s the case, why, now does everything get cozy and nice, just in time for the holidays? Or is it all a big hoax and everybody is really still in a bad place with his/her relationships? I’m willing to guess that is the case, and I’m being depressed for nothing.

I wish I would have thought about this about two weeks ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have given myself a bad case of the shingles worrying about not being happy. Yikes. Life is rough, isn’t it?

Just when you think you are okay where you’re at, some Santa Claus guy tells you, you have to belong to a big family with kids to be part of Christmas. Well, I’m washing my hands of all this bologna. If I’m supposed to be with someone intimately as a partner, that person will come into my life this year. That’s my New Year’s wish.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. Your connection to me blesses me in everyway possible. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

Midnight at the Betty Ford - A Closer Look at Addiction

Midnight at the Betty Ford Clinic

There’s a dim light in the hallway coming from the nurses’ station halfway up the corridor. My room is filled with people—imaginary people—because I have been on shut down from outside visitors for over two weeks. Why? Because every time I see a familiar face from my past. I go into hysterical outbursts about how friggin’ angry I am about life and how God doesn’t care about me or anything that happens to me. The doctors here actually put a lock on my door. Said I was bothering the other –aholics. Really? My anger is bothering other people? I thought that’s why we were here to get to the end of this mess we call the ugly past.

Ugh, I can’t sleep again. I lie awake all night throwing a damn rubber ball against the ceiling and catching it. When I get tired of that, I throw it against the wall and catch it. The sons-a-bitches even took away my TV. Said that I wasn’t focusing in on my problems. I was deflecting, reflecting, diverting… who knows. All I can think about is a drink.

I sweat when I think about a drink. It’s as if my body remembers the warm rush it gets when my neurotic brain goes on a vacation and I get to rest for a few hours and fall into blank space. I want that now, but no one will let me have that. Why won’t they give me the only thing that will make me happy? Why?

It’s three minutes after midnight. I begin doing all the work I am supposed to do when I feel the urge for a drink. I take some deep breaths. I utter those hard-to-say affirmations that make my skin crawl, because I can’t believe anything good about myself. I have moved my eyeballs from left to right over and over until they scratch from dryness. I have tapped the different parts of my body while I repeated, “I’m okay and in God’s loving hands!”

Now, I’m actually feeling a bit better—calmer. I can’t believe it, but I am feeling better. My mind isn’t in a loop like it was. I can feel the bed underneath me supporting me. It feels solid and strong. I sense the walls around me as a secure place, not a prison. I will be okay. I close my eyes and rest falls over me.

3:00 A.M.

I’m wide awake again. I don’t know if someone just walked down the hall, or if I was just imaging it. But I was frightened. I grabbed my pillow. The sound brought back a feeling I don’t want to face alone, not tonight. Maybe I can talk about it with my counselor in the morning. For the first time since I’ve been here, I was glad I had someone to talk to about what was coming up.

I breathed deeply again. I can feel my chest pounding. I try to count my breath as I was taught. Six counts in and six counts out. Even breath makes my brain think I’m okay, stable, calm. It will help me sleep. I’m alone and safe. My door is locked. Again, I fall into silence.

7 A.M.

A nurse wakes me up to go for breakfast and a morning walk with a therapy group. I’m comforted by routine. We do this five mornings a week. Routine is good. Being with other people is good. I’m getting better. I’m getting better. It takes times, but with God and the love of my friends and family, I’m getting better!

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. Your connection to me blesses me in everyway possible. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

Finding a Secure Relationship in an Insecure World

Finding a Secure Relationship in an Insecure World

What frightens us most these days is not having someone to love and hold when the world seems the scariest. Though you may be the type of person who has been raised to be autonomous and not respect dependency of any kind, the truth is: we all depend upon other people every day of our lives. This interdependency is what makes the world tick. I depend upon people staying in the right lane so that I don’t wreck. I depend upon the pharmacist to put the right prescription in my bottle so that I get well. I depend on the grocer to stock the shelves to I can eat. No matter how you look at life, we all are dependent upon one another—all part of one big functioning mechanism that usually works quite well.

Our world and our lives are based on relationship. So, to think that you can be alone and happy is probably a misnomer. I bet that you have a good friend, if you don’t have a partner, who satisfies a great deal of the needs of a partner. For that reason, it’s easier to avoid the idea of having a committed, adult relationship that is intimate.

But the trick is this: Finding someone who is a “Securely Attached” individual. What are the traits of a securely attached person, you may ask? Below are a few:

Isn’t afraid of intimacy

Isn’t afraid of getting close—doesn’t run away from closeness

Doesn’t think a disagreement is the end of the relationship

Is well-balanced with work and play time

Is comfortable with romanticism

Relates well with conversation and intimate subjects

Invites you into his/her world when the time is right without hesitation

I know plenty of men and women friends are saying, “How do I find someone like this? Does someone like that even exist?”

The answer is that most of the securely attached people are actually taken, it’s true. But if you wait long enough, there will be someone in your life that you didn’t notice before, who will present him/herself. And when that person comes into your life this time, your eyes will be wide open.

What happened before was that you were looking for a spark and an excitement in your body and mind to make you think that a person was the right one. And that spark has proven to be that you have trained yourself to react to “Avoidant” men and women because they are unattainable. Something goes off in you that makes you think you can change them. A bell goes off inside your brain that says “the chase is on.”

But the truth is: this person will never be a good match for you. The one you didn’t notice was the right one, because he didn’t cause any fireworks to go off. He was the one who was so secure, you considered him boring.

But you have to change your mind. Where has your “gut reaction” to relationship gotten you so far? Has it landed you the right “secure” person? Or are you still in the wrong relationship or single?

I’m asking myself the same questions. This entire look at Attachment Styles is such a revelation to me that I plan on reevaluating everything I have ever done in relationship up to this point and changing my choices according to what I need instead of what I sense in my body and mind is right. My mind and body have been programmed by the world of my misinformed and codependent behavior of my past. I have no use for that part of my brain any more, except, perhaps, that it may indicate exactly who NOT to go for.

Finding a Secure Person in this Insecure World may be as easy as opening your eyes to something new and different. It may be that you have to open your heart authentically and when something authentic isn’t returned, you simply move on, instead of pining over someone who has no power to be your “secure” mate.

I strongly recommend you read the book that we have been reading together if you haven’t as yet gotten it: “Attached.” The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can help you find and keep love. By Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. Your connection to me blesses me in everyway possible. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon, just by typing my name in the header.

FRIENDS: CLICK ON THE <<MORE>> BUTTON TO VOTE, LIKE, COMMENT OR SHARE… Thanks, Bo.  

The Birth of Something Wonderful

The Birth of Something Wonderful

Today is traditionally the celebration of the birth of Jesus. I love that the world finds a way to do something completely together, even if some of us are calling it Kwanza and Chanukah. There is still a celebratory feeling moving throughout most lands. This oneness is a great feeling in consciousness because most of us are considering this day or these days a time of great distinction for peace and love and giving. As this is so, I believe it provides us all with a vision of what the world might look like if we had this truth in our heart for the entire year.

This birth that we celebrate can be a birth with in all of us—a new birth of something wonderful, new and exciting. We can all manifest more abundance, more love, more truth, more giving, treat ourselves to more receiving, and, in general, practice the art of staying inside our homes and enjoying our loved ones.

I think about the normal function of a day such as Christmas. The streets are bare. The stores are closed. Everyone is with the people we call family, whether it is extended family or just close friends. But we all take time to close down the world and be with the people we love. This is so important on a daily basis.

I had a couple that was coming in for some coaching in their marriage. We decided that the main thing that was missing in their marriage was “daily” communication. They spoke on weekends, but for some reason the husband felt like the week was for making money and supporting the family. So, he got up on weekdays, barely communicated, went to work, came home, and fell asleep without saying a word to his wife. Then on the weekends would expect his wife to be completely present after he ignored her all week.

We are a society of people who believe in principals much like that family. We let our children play computer games all day and night, while we are workaholics, and then expect families to function on the weekends or on vacations as if they have been communicating their feelings all the time. Secure love and relationship is very much dependent upon the need to actually relate daily.

Dependency isn’t a bad thing when you are inter-dependent and securely dependent, relating to each other with the intent to truly know each other and thrive from the knowing.

So, let us delight in the beautiful gift we are given today of the template of the grand life of peace among men. We can feel it in our finger and toes. We can breathe it in the air. We sense it as the phone rings and one more person we haven’t spoken to for a while bids us a warm hello.

Make this day a day to remember in our hearts. Bring it forward more often than just December 25^th. Call it up on August 3^rd and May 25^th. Buy someone you love a gift on a day that doesn’t matter. Call a friend and tell him/her that you love the presence they to your life—just because. Make peace be your daily prayer. Hold it in your heart for the entire world.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. Your connection to me blesses me in everyway possible. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon, just by typing my name in the header.

FRIENDS: CLICK ON THE <<MORE>> BUTTON TO VOTE, LIKE, COMMENT OR SHARE… Thanks, Bo.  

Life Is not a Dress Rehearsal—So, When Do We Get to Rehearse?

Life Is not a Dress Rehearsal—So, When Do We Get to Rehearse?

The answer: Everyday. 

Every situation allows us the opportunity to learn our lessons so that the next time we are faced with a situation that is similar, we can know better how to treat ourselves and others around us.

Today was a reflective day—a little cold and cloudy, raining most of the day, which always pulls me inward. I recognized that I had been holding on to a great deal of anger for a particular person in my life. Because of the nature of anger, it affects everyone around me, even the people I love. So, it’s very important that I tend to my need to deal with the problem facing me today.

Dealing with anger is similar to dealing with grief. One thing you cannot do is run away from it. You have to face it head on and speak to it. “What can I do to make you go away? What lesson do you have to teach me, Anger?”

As I muddled through the feelings and the above questions, I noticed that the anger I’m feeling toward this particular person is a lot deeper than just him. It went back to every person in my life who I had allowed to treat me the same way.

In my mind I placed them all in a row. (My father was even in this picture.) I began to share with them how I felt. I start to take my power back from them, both emotionally and physically. In a dream it may appear to you like this: You stand in front of each person, speak your truth, then place your hand on each heart as you look into the eyes of each offender, until you feel as if you have extracted your personal value back.

Your vision doesn’t have to look like mine. It can be something different. You can cut an umbilical cord that connects you to each person. You can take something that you still physically own of each person’s and burn it in a fire. That’s a strong symbol.

The subconscious mind works with symbols, it’s important to know. So, it doesn’t matter if you actually talk to the person or not. Symbolically, you change from within as you recreate your subconscious thought about each person.

You do this work over and over again until you feel relief. If you need help, you go to someone like a hypnotherapist or a therapist who can work with the subconscious mind. You will find that cognitive or traditional therapy will work, but working directly with the subconscious mind to make change is a much faster way to retrieve and exhale the negativity from your life.

Then it is important to get with people who love you and honor you. This kind of encouragement to your spirit will bring the best of you forward and leave the anger in its rightful place.

I watched some football and went to dinner with a dear friend after my meditation. I didn’t know I’d be dealing with anger today. But God did and made plans for me ahead of time. Good food and great friendships can heal some of the worst pain.

I don’t know if all of my anger is gone, but I do know this. I am ready to move forward and spend time doing positive things with positive people. I have had enough being by myself and mourning. Grieving is necessary with every loss. Anger is too. But there is a time to let go, and let God retrieve your life and set it on a new course.

And so it is!

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

Mary Did You Know

Mary, Did You Know?

When I hear the song, “Mary, Did You Know?” I often think of what Mary, the mother of Jesus, didn’t know, more than what she knew. How much do mothers often know about their sons? For Jesus to have been said to be the Son of God and Mary not have a clue, sounds a little crazy.

But just because Mary knew the Christ would be born through her, doesn’t mean that she knew the destiny of this child. Did any of the president’s parents know that each of them would be the leader of the free world? I wonder. Does mother hold a special knowing inside like a maternal inkling?

Mothers know a lot more than you think they know. I remember when I came out to my mother. She said to me, “Son, you think that your mother is stupid?”

I thought I had been fooling the world. I had been engaged just eight months before I came out to her. I loved the girl. I slept with the girl. I had sex with the girl. I really thought I would marry her. But, nonetheless, mother knew.

My mother also tells me she can tell when something is upsetting me before I even know it sometimes. Well, I don’t think you have to dig too deeply to see when I’m upset. I wear my emotions on my shirtsleeve. Most people who know me know that I am usually kind, congenial and mostly cracking a joke most days. So, when I’m not, something is wrong. Nonetheless, Mother knows.

We got a call from one of my sisters yesterday. It was bad news. She had gotten a diagnosis of pneumonia and congestive heart failure that day. Mom says she felt as if something was terribly wrong, which was the reason for her call. I wonder with that same maternal power if Mom’s caring and concern can help heal my sister too.

Christmas is almost here. Just two more days and Santa will be coming down the chimney. At my house, even though there is a chimney, there is no fireplace. So I guess he’ll have to come through the furnace to deliver my gifts. This year I want a choo choo train. A bright red one. LOL

I never wanted toys like that when I was a kid. I was like… “Dad, can you buy me a piano?” or “Just buy me some recording equipment or a few Broadway show tunes scores. That would be good.” So, the thought of a Christmas tree filled with kiddy toys kind of makes me laugh.

A couple of years ago my nieces and nephews came over for Christmas eve and we doled out gifts then. I had never seen so many toys in one place. Just as soon as they would unwrap one Velociraptor, there would be one of equal or greater size waiting to be unveiled. And everything now is computerized and costs $50 or more for one toy. I remember getting $20 for Christmas. Literally, a $20 dollar bill. My dad would say, “Go and buy something for yourselves and wrap it.” He had a Santa quality about him you can’t buy in a store.

I don’t know where I’m going with this blog. It is the second blog of my new Blog site, which I’m really proud to be unveiling: FindingAuthenticYou.com. I’m really excited that I finally decided upon a name, because eventually all of this will become a book. So, be praying about that for me. You know what I teach, every seed and every vision becomes reality in time and with the proper watering.

Again, if you were deluged by Facebook—Wordpress announcements yesterday from me, it was just me having to propagate the new site with all the old blogs from almost two years. It is all done now, and there is no need to axe me from your Facebook or hide my postings, because I promise from this point on to be very minimal in my postings. I will post just extremely funny things, my once-a-day blog, and an occasional announcement.

Love to you all this toasty winter day. Bo

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

What Does Your Personal Warning Label Say?

You may be concerned about what designer label you’re wearing this week. But believe me, you should be more concerned about the message you are sending with your body language, your demeanor and your words. You could be sending the following signals to people you want to impress:

“I have a bad time with relationships, so be scared to have one with me!”

“I’m too overweight to be pretty or handsome?”

“I’m too scared to talk to anyone, DO NOT APPROACH ME!”

“I have never been successful at anything, so don’t expect much of me.”

“

The list could go on and on and on.

I’m sure if you think right off the top of your mind, you will know one label you wear for certain. And I bet you proudly wear it well. Imagine what you would be without that label. Would life feel foreign? Would you be open to change?

I am told my label used to be: “I am all together and nothing can shake me!”

Well, it’s easy to remember the day that this label became null and void. I had been in a relationship for eight years, the day my partner left his email open on his desktop. Things had been rocky for six months, and I was suspicious. So I looked at the titles of the emails and saw one that stuck out. The man I had been with for seven years before that current relationship had sent my partner an email.  I opened it to discover they were having an affair! That day my perfect world crumbled.

I couldn’t stop crying. I would get it together long enough to see clients then schedule fifteen minute breaks between to crumble again. Tears seemed to flow endlessly.

It was during this time that friends said that I actually became available to them on a compassionate level. They said that my “label” of having it all together, put them off and made them feel, somehow, that they had to live up to my ideal of perfection.

None of my friends wanted to see me hurt. But they all thought that the hurt I went through during that break-up, made me a more compassionate and loving person. In other words, it changed my label from “I am all together and nothing can shake me!” to “I am vulnerable too. But that’s okay. We can help each other through the hard times in life!” 

This new trademark is a much better one. Sometimes you just have to thank the circumstances of life for giving you the opportunity to grow into a better person through the hard times. This was one of those times.

I don’t look back with anger anymore. I look back with pride that I was able to sustain a wonderful relationship for seven years that really satisfied my heart and soul. Perhaps, not all relationships are meant to go the distance. That is not for me to say.

Since Spirit God is always wanting us to go deeper and to love deeper, we are always going to be about discovering our WARNING LABELS. When we do, we should settle into them and ask God to help us learn to love the change that are about to happen. Because, I assure you, that change will happen. Change is inevitable when you are about looking inward toward a better and deeper spiritual life.

“Come forth, new life! Teach me to be real. Teach me to love with my whole heart. Teach me the lessons of truth, so that I may share them with all I meet. Help me discover what I don’t know about myself and create the change to make a difference.”

You Know Pasta’s Done—When It Sticks to the Wall!

I have a good friend who is about trying a lot of different things right now. She says, “I’m going through a phase and seeing what sticks!”

Of course, I got to thinking. That’s just like pasta, I thunk! An old trick with the Italians was to throw a piece of spaghetti against the wall. If it stuck, it was just about al dente (to the tooth), or a tiny bit chewy, but done.

I think that most people in life think that trying something means committing to it. At my age, I don’t believe that at all.

I love to stick my hands in things and give something a good try. I love to make a new recipe. I loved bungee jumping. I loved hang gliding. I hated learning to ski, but I love it now. Had someone not thrown me on top of a high mountain and said, find your way down, I probably would have never learned. But once I got the hang of it, you can’t keep me from committing to a fun ski trip. I love it.

I’m not great at softball, but, hell, I’ll play if the right people are doing it for fun. At this point in my life, I really don’t care if I strike out. I’d probably have a good laugh at myself if I did.

There was a time in my life I would have been mortified to have failed at anything and wouldn’t have tried that very thing, just for fear of failing. How many chances have you lost in your life from not letting yourself have a shot at life, even if you had no chance at being great at it?

I’m a Virgo and a perfectionist. I love being great at things. So, unfortunately, that made me a very limited person for a long time in my life. I was so afraid that people would judge me if I were bad at something, I’d never even tried sometimes.

I stress the sometimes, because there was a voice in me—I think it came from my mother—who said, “If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn, and if you don’t swing at the ball, you’ll never hit it.”

Yes, I do remember how she came to give me that talk. It was 1968 and I was eight years old. My dad made me join the Little League Baseball team. God, I hated it. I was the worst person on the team. I would get stuck out in rightfield only if we were winning and only on the last inning. Even then, if I had to make the rounds of going to bat, I would strike out every time.

My parents never came to one game. So, I got the bright idea that I would tell the coach that I had to leave early to get home before dark. This would make me have to leave before the eighth inning every game, which meant that I never would get into the games at all. The only time I had to really catch a ball or bat a ball was at practice was at the beginning of the season. That, thank the good Lord, was over.

My excuse was perfectly plausible until the end of the season when my team actually won the pennant, and I had no idea, because I hadn’t been to one single ninth inning.

The coach called my mother and father to invite them and I to the banquet. He also told her that he was sorry I had to leave early before the end of each game. This led my mother to our big “try” talk.

My dad did make me go to the banquet and get my trophy, though I never even played. What a joke. So, you could say I learned a lot from that summer, trying to avoid life. If you never swing the bat, you can never hit the ball.

I would have helped to have had a supportive father, who actually spent some time with me trying to teach me how to play. But that is neither here nor there at this point.

I got him back when he would be with his football buddies watching Sunday football. I would come into the room—usually dancing into the room—and say, “Dad, did they get a home run yet?”

Mischievous little chap, I was. And I didn’t like Dad much. He kind of instilled it in me early that perfection was the game. If you couldn’t be perfect, you just shouldn’t do it. That fact, he would make known every Easter when he would end up coloring all the Easter eggs because his children made them too ugly to be seen by the company. Christmas was similar. The tree ornaments had to perfectly symmetrical, otherwise they would have to be rehung by him. I hated holidays because of that.

It took me until three years ago until I actually tried putting up my own Christmas tree, in my own way, with my own set of ornament rules. You know what? I loved it. I actually used to go on a vacation at Christmas time every year just to avoid the customs. Now I stay home on purpose, so I can enjoy all the things I missed as a child.

Throw that damn pasta against the wall until it sticks. Keep trying, friends. Some day you’ll find something that really makes your heart sing. And when you do, you’ll be glad you took the time to try. It makes all the difference in the world.

Very Very Sextra-Ordinary

We all know that sex sells. If you have a bit more sex appeal and allure, you are apt to get a little further in this world with a little less effort. But, is this as true as it used to be?

Tonight, I noticed the opposite on “Dancing with the Stars,” one of my extravagant television pleasures. I thought for sure that Gilles Marini’s sex appeal and great dancing would keep him on the show until the finals. And I thought for sure that Apollo Ohno’s bad boy, in-the-news attitude would get him kicked off, as he was in the bottom two stars, in the last show down.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: who is the heck knows what people are voting for on this show or any of these other shows where audience gets to participate? It certainly isn’t talent. We realize over and over again when people with the highest judges ratings get kicked off mid-season and the ones who sing off pitch and trip and fall stay till the end that talent doesn’t have staying power. Likability generally does, though. And, it appears, that sex appeal doesn’t much matter either.

I love monitoring all of this simply because it shows mass appeal or what we have been talking about in the spirit as social consciousness. If how we judge is not by talent but by grace, perhaps, we are gaining ground as a whole in the spiritual realm.

We pick the stars who have tainted pasts and look to see them redeem themselves over and over again. It’s what we do as the voyeurs who watch movies and television. I can’t say that I’m not aloof to all of it. I’d love to see Lindsey Lohan clean up her act and become an awesome, iconic woman like Oprah.

I just had a dear friend’s son get out of jail. I’m more thrilled for him than I was for an Olympic champion. Real life trumps the stars’ lives every time for me. I guess the closer people on television become to real life, the more we can relate. So, this is the reason why we have so many reality television shows.

I have to say, I’d much rather watch something that is written and has a beginning, middle and end, than watch a tragic group of New Jersey housewives duke it out week after week. I can’t be bothered. But I have plenty of friends who can’t get enough of it. They turn it on for background, like we used to do with music. It’s as if the children of this age of parents who fought constantly now have to have ambient arguing to make them feel at home and comfortable.

Reality may sell a great deal now, but does sex still sells too. It may not sell as much as it used to. I knew a gentleman who was almost Greek god looking. He was a fairly astute businessman. But what he lacked was age and imperfection. Many people were afraid to trust him, because he just looked too damn perfect.  He has had to start over in about three different businesses since I’ve known him in seven years. Finally, he just moved from Nashville to another city, I guess where perfection and good looks were in abundance and wasn’t a problem. I hope it works out for him.

I know as I have gotten older that I am about as interested in the sexy person walking down the street as I am cupcakes with icing three inches high. They are both way too sweet for me. I need something way more substantial to hold my interest.

I’ve heard plenty of people say that “Reality Bites!” But if it does, then why do we spend so much of our time watching it play out over and over again in other people’s lives on reality television? Have you thought about that?

If you really want to stop the madness in your life, stop watching real crazy people on television acting like imbeciles. This gets into your consciousness and begins to drive it. What you think inside, you become externally. Even if you think it is fun to watch, somewhere inside you the television show is recording in your brain and saying it is real and normal and okay to act this way. The more we watch anything, the more our minds get numb to its negativity. 

Rising Above Challenges

            When I think of challenge, I usually think of some kind of physical incapacity. But what of mental challenges that cause defeat around every corner?

            I had an opportunity this weekend to spend some time with a young lady who has spent the last four years facing the most difficult mental challenges of her life. I hadn’t seen her in four years. When I picked her up at the airport—to tell you the truth—I didn’t even recognize her. She looked twenty years older, and her spiritual presence was gray from depression.

            She had moved away from Nashville to be with her son, who had promised to take care of her while she was reaching her later fifties. Turns out the son was a drug addict and basically bilked her out of all of her money, stole her charge cards until she had nothing left but a one room efficiency and a low paying job, while he is now in jail. Yet, as I spoke with her this weekend, she said all she could think about was her son and wished he could be with her now on this vacation. She suffers greatly from disillusionment and depression. If she keeps going untreated, she could end up not taking care of her physical needs even more and perhaps, worse case scenario, end up losing her life.

            What of serious mental challenges that keep us locked in prison, just as our children counterparts? My heart went out to her. I really can’t understand the need to protect a child, even when he dishonors you in so many ways. But as I speak to other parents who are clients, I see that the parental bond, especially the maternal one, is great and very hard to break. The need to keep giving and giving goes deep.

            Sometimes I think it is connected to a deep-seated sense of guilt. Maybe somewhere in the parent’s past he or she didn’t do what was expected as a parent, and now guilt rises to the surface forcing her to do what is not only the worst thing to do, but will hurt the child more—dependency.

            Maybe his or her own childhood had a play in the process. Maybe he or she did not get the care expected when growing up, and now he wants to make sure he rises to the parental occasion. Who knows? But what is needed is distance and boundaries for the child to grow with strength and to regain honor for him/herself and then to the parent.

            Mental illness in children is the hardest thing to face for a parent. I have had clients who would rather chew off an arm than admit to a child being impaired mentally. It could be even something as simple to correct as ADD or ADHD. Still, I could get this stone-faced parents: My kid doesn’t need any medication! Then the child slips into depression because he or she can’t keep up in school, and everyone in the family is hurt.

            If you have a child who is showing signs of depression or mental illness, or a loved one (a spouse or someone you live with), this is not something to be afraid to address. It needs to be faced head-on with boldness. Mental illness will ruin a family, a relationship, and a person’s entire life if not taken care of. I’ve seen it happen to too many people. Many end up institutionalized, in jail, or worse, dead.

            Sometimes the fix would only have been a $4 antidepressant or medication for ADD that will help a child focus.

            Every person in this world is too important to lose to mental illness. If you see it happening in your world, take action. You can help save a life, a relationship and probably an entire family.  Act now and save a life!  

Falling Behind

            I’ve been watching race after race of the Olympics. We tend to watch the winners. Sometimes, though, I’ll watch the ones who qualify, but drift off to a lap behind those stellar performances. What of getting to the final eight qualifiers in the world and then still coming in one lap behind the fastest person? Does it feel like you are the biggest loser ever?

            I remember one time when I was on the diving team in high school, we were short a man on the 400 team free style on our B team. It was a regional meet and there must have been a few hundred people in the stands. The coach asked me if I would swim just back and forth once. He said, “You can do that, right?” 

            I thought I surely could do it. But I hadn’t trained one day with the swimmers. And, as you would imagine, I did everything wrong. I started as fast as I could, and by the time I got to the first length of the pool, I had nothing left to give to the last length. I was out of breath, out of strength, and practically had to doggy paddle my way back to the finish. I was completely embarrassed when I got out of the pool.

            So, I can say that I know what it feels like to end up last. There is no saying to yourself, “At least I finished.” You simply slink away into the crowd behind the winners into the dressing room and hope nobody sees you or remembers your performance.

            The unfortunate thing about today’s Olympic experience is that sometimes you get to see your losing battle over and over again, like the gymnast who went up first on the balance beam for USA last Olympics and fell off on her mount. She was the captain of the team, beautiful, and very talented, but couldn’t possibly live down that moment, when it was on every television for four years. I’ve seen that clip about 100 times over the years. My heart goes out to her. There is nothing she can do, but deal with the idea of loss. I suppose that’s what it is like to relive a moment of pain over and over again in your brain. It’s like a movie that won’t stop playing.

            So, I look at my life and wonder what exactly is there in my life that I might have to deal with that is considered loss. Certainly, I have had many downers socially and financially. I have tried at many things. I have had books published with just a minimal amount of books sold compared to a successful deal. I have lost partners to infidelity and anger. I have lost friends to death and some to jealousy. I have lost lots of money when the stock market failed. So, falling behind is familiar. How do you break through and make sense of it?

            To me, life is fairly cyclical. You can count on times of prosperity balanced with times of lack. If you’re smart, you save for the inevitable times of the universe making balance happen. As far as friendships go and lovers go, I don’t know a person who has an answer to that. Most people feel relationship is merely a gamble. If you find someone who is willing to take the gamble with you, you are fortunate. Because the willingness to daily lay your stakes on the table is the only way to make relationship works. And when one person decides to go in a different direction, it isn’t long before the roots of the relationship begin to sever. When that happens, the couple dies.

            Friendships come and go. I always thought I’d be that kind of friend that would keep my good friends forever. But unfortunately, friendships, too, are relationships. They take two people who are in it for the long haul. It is not often two people want to take the long road with you throughout your entire life. If you’ve found a friend like that, you’re very fortunate, especially if he or she is not codependent.

            Falling behind is a mind game. I guess if you wait in the pool long enough there will be another race starting, and you may end up ahead, or having the edge, because you’ve already in the pool and have begun the race early.

            Every part of your life matters though: the good, the bad, the ugly, the surging ahead and the falling behind. Every part has a lesson and teaches you about an integral part of your own limits.

            Last weekend I had some new understanding about being a crystal in chaos. Even a crystal sometimes loses its energy and needs to be restored. I didn’t blow up at anyone when my family was having all their battles and struggles, as families do when they get together after long periods of not seeing each other. I just seemed to slowly get sucked out of energy.

            So, today I went to acupuncture and had a friend work on helping me regain my vital energy for 2.5 hours. I feel like a different person. When you are drained, you need to help yourself. When you fall behind, get help. We are not all self-sufficient in anything. I keep practitioners of all sorts around me all the time, so when I need to call someone to help for a particular problem, I can get back on track and in the race immediately.

            “God, help us all to recognize that winning and losing isn’t what we’re on this earth for. We’re here to understand the human experience; to spread love, to be compassionate even when it feels impossible to be; and to learn to be stronger than we thought we could be. Send us the messengers and angels to help us find the truth and the pathway to that knowledge.”