Midnight at the House of Someone Hungry (A Look at Dieting)

Midnight at the House of Someone Hungry (A Look at Dieting)

My eyes popped open at five minutes to midnight again. All I could think about was eating. The 3 carrot sticks, 4 celery sticks and ½ piece of low fat cheese I ate at 7 pm for a snack was rumbling around in my stomach like a boiling stew. I felt so hungry—more hungry than sleepy.

My wife was snoring next to me. She didn’t notice me getting out of bed. I snuck to the kitchen. My God, it had been days since I had been alone with food. I felt as if I would bust down the doors of every cupboard, trying to find the quickest fix I could: sugar, salty snacks, carbs—I didn’t care.

I started with some cookies. Before I realized it, I had wiped out two entire rows of Oreos and had drunk a quart of milk. I knew I should stop. But then that thing happens to me where I have to have something salty after I eat something sweet.

I spotted a bag of unopened potato chips on top of the refrigerator. I ripped into them, thinking the entire time of my innocence story I would need the next day when my wife saw the 1/2 empty bag. Then I thought maybe if I ate all the chips, took the bag to garbage can outside and threw it away, maybe she would forget she bought them completely. That’s what I did, as I licked the last bit of salt off of my fingers.

I washed my hands and face in the downstairs bathroom before heading back up to bed. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I could see the extra fat under my chin I wanted so badly to get rid of. I wanted to rip it off right there. I swear, I almost cried. Why can’t I stop eating? What’s wrong with me?

With my head down and ashamed, I went back to the bed. When I turned the covers over my shoulder, my wife wrapped her arm around me. “You okay, honey?” she whispered.

I didn’t answer. I just grabbed her tighter. I feared if I started to tell her what was wrong, I would really break down. I knew I would be better in the morning. I’m good at talking myself down. I can get up and know it’s a new day and that I have a wonderful family who loves me. It doesn’t matter how I look. I can convince myself that. I can convince myself that… until I stand on the scale. Then I’m sad all over again.

When did this start? When did I start hating myself so much that all I care about doing is hiding behind food?

When did every emotion get stuffed down with a piece of cake or a hoagie?

Must have been a long time ago.

A time I don’t want to think about.

I guess that’s why I’m here.

Right here.

Standing on the scale.

Sad.

Again.

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to LOSE WEIGHT, Quit Smoking, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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