Choose Love

            So many times in life we are faced with the old habit of snubbing someone who hurt us or taking the easy road, though it may mean harming others. It’s time to choose love.

            I had a client who talked to me about some unforgiveness he had been holding for about seven years. He claimed that if he saw the woman he was angry with he would simply snub her. He secretly wished the worst for her.

            I reminded him that his father had the same anger issue he was dealing with now. He hated his father’s anger. He told stories of his father bringing the same stories up over and over again until it drove the son mad with fury. Why couldn’t he get over it and move on?

            I asked my client what he could do about his current anger to move on. It was time. The only person the unforgiveness was hurting, at this point, was himself.

            We discussed writing a letter to his ex-friend and explaining what she had done to hurt him. I thought that was a good idea. Maybe he wouldn’t even have to send it. Forgiveness isn’t about the person you’re angry with. It’s about ridding your own body of the poison that eats away at your heart from holding on to anger.

            The truth is, most people you are angry with and holding unforgiveness for don’t even remember what happened. They are probably mostly narcissistic and have moved on without the thought of you or your feelings. So, you dealing with your feelings is the only healthy thing left to do.

            Time to choose love. Not for them. Well, maybe for them. But mostly for you.

            We also talked about a productive way to manage anger and unforgiveness. In the doing, I realized that I, too, had some unforgiveness that crept up while we were talking. There is a friend who just simply stopped talking to me about three years ago. She won’t answer phone calls, emails, etc. I have never run into her over the years, or else I would probably confront her. Nonetheless, I thought of the situation, and how I thought I had forgiven.

            But maybe not completely.

            I realized something I hadn’t recognized in all the years of struggling with the situation: Maybe she had a point! 

            I have been angry at her because she chose to be friends with an ex-partner instead of me, even though my ex was mostly at fault for the break-up. I realized in the conversation with my client that I had spent the last three or four times that my friend and I had been together talking about my ex, trying to justify why she should be my friend. I suddenly got it. No matter who was right or wrong, I shouldn’t have put a friend in the middle of my disagreement. Suddenly, I let my unforgiveness go and realized that I probably was to blame for the separation. Then I forgave myself.

            Forgiveness and choosing love is a deep challenge for many people. I have a dear friend who had a daughter who was raped and murdered by a man who is now in jail. She was so caught up in anger and hate, that finally she went to the jail and forgave the man who killed her daughter. She says it was the most liberating thing she had ever done. It was the only way out of her own torture. I can understand that now. No one needs to set up their own hell because of someone else’s infraction on them. That is double jeopardy.

            Choose love. For yourself. And as you look at the situation, you may find that God, in the big picture, had a purpose for what had happened. Maybe it was a lesson for you. Maybe it was a lesson for the other person. Who knows?

            But what God didn’t intend was for you to be in pain for the rest of your life.

            Choose love!