Safe Boundaries

            Today was a day that was filled with the question of personal boundaries. When is it okay to share with someone that you are uncomfortable with how he or she is treating you?

            I had a client who I championed today for sharing with his mother that she didn’t listen to him when he talked. But when another client came in who shared he was uncomfortable with the undercurrent of sexual advances in his joking made to a coworker, that person wanted to take his life. These were very similar scenarios with very different outcomes.

            Honestly, I don’t think it was the behavior or tone of voice in which either message was conveyed. I think it was the readiness of the individual listening to hear the call of change.

            You know, we sincerely don’t know how someone grew up. We don’t know what kind of input parents gave them, if any. We don’t know if he or she had been abused or threatened on the way to adulthood. We also usually don’t know if someone is on a psychotropic drug that can alter the state of mind someone is in and contort words of love to words of hate.

            All of these scenarios would lead to whether or not a person could hear a healthy message from a friend or coworker or a family member. Ultimately, though, if we are going to be completely honest, you have to start with protecting your self and not worry about what the other person thinks or feels. I know that sounds heartless, but it is very true.

            If someone is pushing your beyond your safe boundaries, you are probably in the right to say something. I would recommend starting without a conviction. I would say something very low key, giving a person a chance to justify the behavior, such as, “Person, what you just did makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I hope you can understand that I just don’t feel right doing that.” Of course, saying this in a private place.

            If the message isn’t heard, you would say it more directly and more succinctly.

            I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to hurt feelings. So, I assume that people are always doing their best in situations. Perhaps, a person just doesn’t know any better about something like how to treat a gay person or what not to say to him or her that would considered offensive.

            If that is the case, I may take him or her aside and say, “I know you really haven’t been around a lot of gay people, but what you said just isn’t cool. In fact, it is kind of offensive. I understand you didn’t mean it that way. But I thought I’d share with you my feelings, so you would know for the next time.”

            I would never email this or text my feelings to someone. Because I believe that the spoken word and the eyes of someone are very important in the understanding that you mean well in your encouragement and intention to do better.

            How a person takes your comment is truly up to them.

            You can’t know exactly how anyone will respond to request for a behavior change. Some will go ballistic. If they do, you probably don’t need them in your life. Some will get sad. If they do, they probably have had a really hard life and have little self-esteem.

            Others might thank you for sharing. These are the people who I would tend to flock toward. Because you know in your heart, if someone is able to love you, even though you have an opinion that is different than theirs, they are loving you with the true meaning of love.

            To quote the bible in 1 Corinthinians 13: 1-8

“1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

“4 Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails…”