Narcissism

            To the right of me as I write this Blog, streaming from the ceiling to the floor are a string of various silver balls. I can see my entire image in both the small balls and the large balls. The size of the ball really doesn’t affect the image.

            In front of me is a silver candelabra beneath a round mirror. To the left of that is a small rectangular sculpture of piano keys. What if all I had to look at all day were reflections of myself in the different sized balls, the mirror and in the silver sides of the candelabra? Would I look too closely at my misshapen nose? Would I see the hair loss happening faster that I’d imagined? Would I count the gray hair in my eyebrows and try to pluck them before the gray outweighed the black? Or would my world simply become a vision of Self with the world around it—and nothing else?

            Narcissism feels like the latter. Everywhere you look you see yourself. In every scenario, there you are in the middle of it. Because of where you are seated, you can’t imagine anyone else being central to your world.

            Lately, I have been having a lot of clients coming in with narcissism in their lives—husbands, wives, parents, children, and bosses. Being in the middle of a narcissistic person’s world is like trying to fit your image into one of those big silver balls while the narcissist’s image is covering the majority of the sphere with his face and hands.

            It’s nearly impossible to be what they need you to be, because what you’re expected to be morphs as you become stronger and wiser. Their deviant minds find loopholes in every kind of behavior and will find you guilty of your best work and your kind gestures. They need you to be bad, so that they will be good. They need you to look wrong, so they will appear right.

            The definition of narcissism is:

            • Psychology extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

            • Psychoanalysis self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.

            So, what do you do if you have a narcissist in your life?

            If you’ve gone to therapy and truly know you’re dealing with a narcissist, you probably should find the closest door and leave, no matter what the situation. I know that these are the types of people who will try to get your children away from you and keep them away, but you have to trust God that this won’t happen. You have to get out and get safe first, then work on getting your children next.

            If it’s a work situation, find a new job and get out as soon as you can. No one deserves to be under a communistic regime. And that is just what you’ll feel like when you work for a narcissist.

            If this is a child, it becomes a scarier situation. Children are more likely to act out, while bosses and spouses who are narcissists tend to do all their work mentally. If a child wants your attention badly enough, he or she could turn to drugs or aggression, neither of which is acceptable. You just have to tough it up and get some professional help. When the help you get says the child has to be hospitalized or taken to treatment for six months, you have to accept that is a good thing and do it.

            The reason for this is that all children growing up in this situation or subject to being co-narcissists. And perhaps, taking on narcissistic behavior themselves eventually. It’s a no-win situation. I’ve been there.

            I know of one parent who did her job with a narcissistic child and now they have a great relationship. During the time she had to send the daughter away, my client thought the daughter would never speak to her again. That was so far from the truth. The child needed boundaries even a good parent couldn’t give her. This kind of treatment center gave the child rigorous training to help her reach out and take hold of life, using nature, trust exercises, and professional programs we just don’t have access to in most of our daily lives.

            I’m not a scholar on the subject, but I do think that this subject needs to be addressed. Most people just suck it up and live with narcissism, hoping some day they’ll be able to move out, their parent or partner will die, or worse yet, the abused will die just to get out of the pain. Trust me, these are the types of scenarios I hear.

            If you’re feeling this, definitely call a therapist for help.