I’m not Your Stepfather

            I had a client a few years back who couldn’t sustain a healthy relationship. Every time he got with a woman, he felt like he had to take complete control. Any time the woman would show signs of wanting something her way, he didn’t just weigh in his opinion, he shoved her opinion out. Of course, this led to the dismantling of many, many “could-be” relationships.

            He would say to me, “I have lived on my own for too many years now. I can’t seem to find it in me to make compromise. I want to live by myself and have a relationship with someone who is willing to be in separate dwellings forever. I never want to live with someone.”

            Of course, my mind was streaming with all the obligatory responses a good life coach would say. But something in me thought that this was not about male dominance or narcissism. This was about something lingering in this man’s past. Finding it would be the key to rebuilding his trust for real relationship.

            Let me define what I mean by a real loving relationship.

            Loving is not defined by living together, but the metaphor of NOT being able to share space or balance the give and take of daily life, is definitely a sign that someone is unwilling to be in committed relationship.

            In all aspects of relationship we are required to be compassionate with each other. We are required to listen to each other’s needs. We are sometimes asked to give up our own needs for the sake of the other’s, if it is a matter of extreme importance. In relationship balance is required as well as spontaneity. It’s a juggling act sometimes, and we all know it.

            But the rewards are having a personal companion who knows us completely, who we trust completely, and want to spend lots of time with doing fun and enjoyable things with, as well as mundane day-to-day work.

            Having said that, everything about this client was saying that he not only didn’t want relationship, but he didn’t trust it. Or, perhaps, he couldn’t or wouldn’t let someone get close enough to him to hurt him. I wasn’t sure.

            We began to talk about his childhood. It turned out he had had a very loving father who died when he was very young. His mother remarried a narcissist, an angry man who ruled with an iron fist. He had gotten beat constantly and basically had had to fend for himself from the time he was twelve years old.

            When he told me how this story, he got erect and proud. He felt strong for having endured that horrible relationship and was happy to know he needed no one to take care of his needs. Not even his mother, who had to work to help the family get by.

            It suddenly became clear that my client wasn’t running from women. He was running from his stepfather. He didn’t want anyone to take away his autonomy, something he had earned by overcoming the abuse of his stepfather.

            Knowing that and trying to undo the power that it had over his psyche was something that took quite awhile to change with hypnosis. But I’m happy to say that he is in a fairly healthy relationship now with someone who has had some similar issues. They live in separate dwellings, but hope someday they can co-abide. I’m very happy for him.