Attachment Wounds

Attachment Wounds

I cut the grass this morning. While circling a mammoth pine tree, two black birds fell to the ground. At first, I thought it was one wounded large bird. But I then noticed these two birds were mating, thrashing around in the mulch. As I watched, it looked as though one was struggling to take control, while the other was pushing away. Yet, the mating continued for about one minute. Then they both flew in different directions.

Suddenly, I thought, I get it! That’s how mating is supposed to work. You grab the first available bird, thrash around a bit, then fly in opposite directions.

If only love and relationship could be that easy.

I went out with a man once on an initial date. He was much cuter in person than his picture portrayed, which is rarely the case in online dating or in life. I was pleased and very attracted. It seemed we were both equally intrigued. The lunch was great and we planned on having another date almost immediately. That date went well. Actually, it was one of the best 2^nd dates I had ever had. He was intelligent, funny, and we seemed to feel extremely comfortable with each other.

Then a series of events happened within the next couple days that revealed we were both dating other people at the same time, which I thought was fairly normal. But I showed my heart and told him that I really liked him. In our honesty, he shared that he actually was in love with someone else, but that person wasn’t responding. It was painful for him, I could tell. But that he mixed me up in his pain after only two dates, felt like surrogacy. Even still, I was angry and fascinated at the same time.

I shared my thoughts with a friend who is very adept at attachment theory. His comment was immediately, “Don’t engage! This is purely an attachment wound for you.”

He explained that this person represented a lot more to me than a date. He was everyone who had ever left me before. When he became no longer available,  it was as if trying to heal a wound by cutting in deeper. This therapist friend shared with me that attachment wounds are felt in the same place as the pain from a physical wound. There is no telling your body you are not in pain. And there, inherently, isn’t a way to tell your brain that you don’t feel pain in relationship-attachment wounds either. The connection in the brain sees no difference in the two different pain signals.

As the days went on, I found myself trying to get close by offering advice. I knew I shouldn’t, but I did anyway. Eventually, he called me ‘arrogant’ and cut himself off from wanting to be friends. This, of course, made the anxious attachment in me even worse. Now I had to show him that I was not the arrogant person he thought I was, but a person who cared for him. I tried my best to resist texting him, but eventually the attachment wound would win out.

He would answer with one or two words—sometimes, but not always, which indicated to me, he was no longer interested in engaging. I understood cognitively. But my subconscious didn’t want to let go.

Every couple days I would check in and see how he was doing with a text. In fact, the feelings of wanting to see him again and engage in intimacy multiplied exponentially as he would not answer.

This is not love. This is a deep attachment wound. I know it with all my heart. But there was very little I could do to appease the wound that kept crying out like a baby that needed feeding.

I would say to myself, “Bo, you can see this that this person is like poison to you. He cannot fill any of your secure needs for attachment. He is avoidant and in love with someone else.”

Every time I spoke those words, the feelings of abandonment got worse. I went back to my therapist friend for advice. Again, he shared that it was a matter of deep attachment wounds. The only thing I could do was avoid what was hurting me and create a safer place for me to heal. No contact with this person!

Well, I can’t say that the solution was an easy one. But my friend was right. The longer I let the person distance himself, the better I felt. Time was the only means of healing, just as it would be if you were wounded physically. Well, time and taking care of myself by using Attachment Theory to help me find a person that is, indeed, the right person intimately for me in relationship.

I hope this helps you to tell the difference between obsessing about unrealistic love and secure love. One person is available. The other is not!

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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