Fear of Intimacy

Afraid of Intimacy

I sincerely thought I would never be one to admit my fear of intimacy, but I’m about to share a very hard truth I just realized last night about myself.

Yesterday I went to a wedding with a dear girlfriend. She looked absolutely stunning: size 0, black mini-dress bedecked with jewels. Honestly, I felt like the luckiest dude at the gathering. She was just lovely. We looked great together.

The wedding was intimate with only about 150 guests, but done to the hilt. So, we were sitting at a table where I knew no one. The dude next to me, shaved head and from Dayton, was with his wife, who abandoned him soon after sitting. The dude looked about as interested in the proceedings as I was and wanted desperately to get drunk and have as much sex as he could during his trip away from Dayton. Also, he wanted to talk about it—to me and my friend, which opened up a can of worms.

He began to ask my friend and I how long we had been together, which is when we started weaving a tale about our nonexistent relationship. It started out a little game, but then it actually became an alter ego of sorts for me. Suddenly, we were dancing and fondling and holding hands like we were actually together. I have to admit, the game was fun. Those kinds of “what ifs” probably go through a gay man’s mind every once in a while. What if I weren’t gay and this attractive woman pursuing me like a panther was truly my wife or fiancée? What if all I could think about was ripping her clothes off when we got back to my place?

Many people asked us questions about how we met, how long we’ve been together, told us how beautiful we looked as a couple. Their compliments were a real stroke to our egos. Meanwhile, we were drinking more and more. Our defenses were down. Suddenly, I became afraid of even the fantasy of intimacy with her. I wondered where this fear was coming from.

I remember my childhood was rife with situations around women, always. I had four sisters. Each one of them is a perfect work of art. They all were stunning as young women. The men they attracted were equally handsome, but mostly bad boys, as young teens are. I constantly wanted to protect them.

I was second to the youngest in the bunch, but still I had this sense that my single dad had no idea what kind of lives my sisters were leading. I was very dyed-in-the-wool Christian then, as well. So, I believed in marriage and saving one’s self for the right person, but I wonder now if it was a front for being afraid of the struggles I saw each of them face with their less than authentic men.

Because of having four sisters and one bathroom in our household, I would consistently see them naked and going to the bathroom and taking a bath. One of my sisters thought it was appropriate for me to see her put a tampon in when I was in the eighth grade, because she said I should know what women have to go through. Other sisters would knock on the bathroom door while I was using the toilet and just squat in the tub and pee. Looking back, to keep myself from feeling incestuous, I guess, I cut myself off from women as a sexual group completely. Then having had been sexually abused by two men as a child, it would be safe to say my fate as a gay man was virtually sealed.

I can see why I get angry when people say that the gay lifestyle is a choice. I don’t believe that any of the things that were imputed on me as a child had my approving initials stamped on them. So, I hope if you’re reading this, you understand that sometimes it’s not just DNA, brain formations, and the propensity to be inclined in one sexual direction. If you are meant to be something, I believe the Universe will do all it needs to steer you in that direction.

I’m not angry at me being gay. I’m simply saying that when you look at all of my past, you would wonder if there really was a choice—ever. My neuro-pathways were set at a very young age. 

So, the moment my fear struck me between the eyes at the wedding, was when a gay friend from my past came up to me and began a conversation. It was as if, he brought me back to a sense of reality. I was no longer in this amusing little fantasy game, I was back to my authentic self. My gal friend who invited me to the wedding, however, was now playing the role of one of my sisters. Though I know for certain that isn’t the case, every neuro-pathway in my brain said otherwise.

I was the designated driver, so she drank to her heart’s content. So, when we got back to my place, I asked her if she wanted to spend the night, so she wouldn’t have to drive home. She asked for a nightshirt and crawled into my bed before I had a chance to process it.

Fate has a way of leading us back to our most intricate fears. If we are privy to the process, we can open our hearts to the learning and understand ourselves a great deal better. I believe the night showed me a little more of my past and helped me recognize an undo fear of intimacy with women in general. And I’m sincerely glad of that.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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