Letting Go of a Loved One
#divorce #death #separation
One of the best pieces of advice I have ever gotten was
that “every relationship inevitably separates; either by death, separation, or
divorce. Getting into a secure and happy relationship relies heavily upon both
partners recognizing this inevitability.” Every day, every moment is then
shared with the understanding that time is of the essence and this relationship
is, at best, ephemeral. Let’s not be negative, but realistic.
We don’t benefit in any situation by taking people and
their relationships for granted, especially those closest to us. We also don’t
benefit by keeping close and anxiously attached relationships when someone
isn’t deserving of our time and love.
Scenario One: A young woman decides she loves her
drug addiction more than she appreciates the good boundaries you have set up in
your parental/child relationship. She steals from you. She mistreats you. She
keeps you up most days worrying.
Scenario Two: A partner moves in close for the catch.
He treats you with some respect and lavishes you with gifts. But, later, when
he has captured your heart, he tromps on it hard and expects you not to budge
as he leaves you hanging in the balance.
Scenario Three: Someone in your life has
outgrown the nurturing benefits of your relationship only to become dependent
on them.
All three of the relationships above require you to let
go. It may be a child going away to college or leaving for his first new job in
Japan. It may be a woman whom you have loved for fifteen years, but who has
taken away intimacy and replaced it with a heavy, dictator’s hand. It may be an
addiction that requires you to move completely away and separate yourself. But
all of these circumstances require you to get out of the way of someone else’s
problem or growth and get on with your own.
I thought that I had found a securely attached friend
once. He “exhibited” all of the right qualities one looks for when thinking
about the long term. But as the relationship continued, as I look back now, he
moved away every time I moved closer—it wasn’t far, but it was away. His fear
grew exponentially as I began to depend on him being there for me, even though
his dependency for me grew as well.
Relationship is growth. Sometimes what appears to be
securely attached is really avoidantly attached in sheepskin, posing as the
right behavior to keep you close. But only time and “you taking space” in
relationship will reveal the harsher truth. Unfortunately, sometimes, the
revealing only comes with your vulnerability. This fact is the harshest part
about deciding you are ready for relationship. Only the most adeptly secure
person can know the intricacies of how much to reveal, how much to share, how
much to depend and in what given time to protect the most intimate places of
the heart. Even the most protected of hearts will hurt when one of the three
behaviors above presents itself. The only way to be healthy and construct
secure boundaries is to leave a relationship gone wrong. Be strong. You have it
within you to look at the situation with a compassionate, observer eye.
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