Flight Behavior #flightbehavior
When I think of the word flight,
two thoughts come to my mind: 1.) jets and airlines; and 2.) the fight or
flight behavior of a human—our deepest
human instincts that ignite the fires of adrenaline for us to flee at a moment’s
notice. My concerns today are about the latter, but in respect to running
from intimacy.
I have noticed in my work that most people who end up on my
couch are who is known as Avoidantly Attached people. These individuals want
love and security in the worst way, but can’t achieve a level of intimacy with
anyone that doesn’t cause the fight or flight patterns of their past to keep
them in relationship. If you have been dating someone who comes close to you,
then runs away; definitely do yourself a favor and leave the relationship or
get some help in dealing with your own desire to change someone into what you
need. Changing someone’s attachment pattern doesn’t usually happen. (I’ll speak
from personal experience, because I believe this is the best means to express.
I’ll not use names, but instead just refer to each relationship with a number.)
BF One is/was a great guy. When he walked into the room, all
eyes went to him. He was handsome, in good shape, and confident. However, I
believe he always worked harder than everyone else because he didn’t believe he
was smart enough. He was an over-worker and over-achiever, for sure. When we
decided to date, we had already been friends for fifteen years. We both were in
the same place about relationship. We wanted us to work. We tried hard,
communicated, and made relationship last for almost two years. Most times were
fun and loving. But BF One never could seem to get to a point of intimacy
unless he had a drink or two. He could tell me he loved me, but it was usually
after I told him. He didn’t think of me much when I wasn’t around. He didn’t
try very hard to achieve anything more than what, he thought, was expected. Sex
mostly felt distant and robotic. But I did feel a sense of security in the
dream we created together of partnership.
The truth, however about BF One was that he had an
avoidantly attached behavior. He never could help me feel important enough in
his life to make sacrifice. Let’s face it, we all need someone in our lives to
put us first. That’s what relationship is about. We also desire the intimate
connection of a person to be completely present when you move toward sexual
behavior. On the surface BF One was a good guy. I still love him, but he would
never be the “right” one for relationship until he dealt with the reason he
couldn’t open his heart to another individual.
BF Two came into my life as a very hard working, committed individual.
However, when it came to intimacy, I wasn’t the only one he desired intimately.
I didn’t discover this until he began to get antsy and discouraged at my level
of commitment, which I believed to be normal. We actually lived together for a
year. He was very messy, so much so that I had to contain his mess to one room
and close the door. He had ADHD and compulsive behavior. Shopping with him was
a chore. He would buy 10 of something that was on sale, and would look at every
option at least five times before making a decision. And BF Two was a therapist
and hypnotherapist as I was.
To me, this BF presented mostly as Anxiously Attached. When
he began to get frightened I would leave him for his erratic and compulsive behavior,
he became addicted to sexual promiscuity outside the partnership. Of course,
this was a recipe for disaster.
BF Three came into the relationship like Prince Charming. He
road on his white horse and wanted to save me from every bad relationship I had
ever had. I felt as if this was the one. I needed and wanted him to be the one,
which means that I had been Anxiously Attaching as well.
This actually is the problem. Dealing with your own
Attachment style is the most important part of finding a secure and loving
relationship. When I realized two things: 1.) that I had been finding avoidant
behavior, savior-type people and 2.) that my own behavior was anxious; I
understood why every relationship would end up unfulfilling, including BF Three
who left me when I was out of town. I think that trumps the Text Message
Break-up.
Finding the secure mate is our goal. Secure people present
as confident, easy to get to know, able to let you into their personal lives,
honest about good and bad feelings, and slowly become more and more intimate,
which is the natural proclivity of a healthy person. As you understand your
authentic self, you also become more secure and are able to let go of old
attachment behavior in the arms of someone loving and understanding. You
deserve this!
______________________________________________
New Challenge: Go to Week 10 of the “Year
to CLEAR Challenge” at www.Bosebastian.com
______________________________________________
Look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a
Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my
Website in the Webstore. Thanks!
Below is information that I will be sharing for about a
month, as not every person on my list reads the blog every day. If you have
already read it, just skip over it. Thanks for understanding.
A
Year to CLEAR Challenge:
(Please Know: You Can Join Us At Any Point in the Year
Challenge.)
The masses search outward for things that qualify them as a
person, but I always go inward for that which quantifies me for greatness. At
twenty-five I preached on street corners in NYC as an in-the-closet Pentecostal
minister. One day I heard a still small voice say, ‘God cannot be contained in a
book or a law or even in a religion. Dig deeper, reach further to find me, and
you will find your authentic Self.’”
A Year to CLEAR Challenge!
The acronym CLEAR
stands for (Compassionate, Loving,
Enthusiastic, And Relationship-Ready). The goal of this project is to
engulf readers in a weekly study that will transform them by removing blocks,
promote self-growth, and give them wings to fly freely into daily life. Each
week, by going to BoSebastian.com and choosing the Year to CLEAR Challenge tab,
a new challenge or thought to provoke conversation, growth, and group
functionality.
My vision is to make Finding Authentic You the book to
have in your Kindle or on your computer. The book is a comprehensive look at
growth—spiritually, mentally, and physically.
As a yoga teacher and student of the Ayurvedic tradition, I bring
to the table understanding of physical challenges, the ability to overcome
mental problems with Life & Health Coaching, as well as hypnotherapy, and
expertise in meditation and spirituality as a minister.
The combination of all three in one book with an interactive
connection to like-minded readers, for one year, is what makes this Year to
CLEAR Challenge a must-do for every spiritual seeker.
The One-Year Approach to Change
No one believes he or she can change overnight. But success in
change comes from the metaphors of nature. Seasonally, life changes all around
us in nature. Finding Authentic You offers a gradual change perspective,
looking at the triune aspects of change as in yoga: Body, Mind and Spirit.
Accessing the
ability to change and finding
yourself actually pursuing change must be a daily search, which I call
getting to the “observer mind.”
In this frontal cortex of the brain we find the anatomy of
change and the power to counter every negative trigger of the human process.
The workings of Hypnosis, NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and EMDR (Eye
Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) are all positive actions to help the
mind and body flow to a positive space for change.
Every aspect of FINDING AUTHENTIC YOU fulfills this
constant need for diffusing the negative past and dreaming of a fulfilling
future.
Step 1: Recognize That Change is Inevitable
Step 2: Release from Resistance
to Change
Step 3: Understanding Change and Allow Spirit to Define It
Step 4: A History Lesson—About You
Step 5: Look at Your Past with Compassion
Step 6: Making a Strong Commitment to Change
Step 7: Dream Your Fabulous Future
TOOLS FOR CHANGE:
Go to Storefront to buy any of the following or make a
donation to Finding Authentic You: www.shop.bosebastian.com
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My Latest Book: Finding Authentic You—7 Steps to
Effective Change (800 page downloadable Kindle version)
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Introduction to Meditation
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Smoke Cessation mp3
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Weight Loss mp3
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Hypnotic Lap Band surgery Mp3
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Insomnia mp3
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Eternal Om mp3
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Meditation Music mp3
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Guide to Meditation mp3
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Healing the Body mp3
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And my “Lessons from the Heart” book ready for
your download purchase.
Go to Home Page: www.BoSebastian.com
* * *
Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health
Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New
Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at
615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
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Also, look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to
Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd
R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!
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