It's All Relative(s)

Few people have gone through life without a fair share of family dramas. I know I have watched relationship drama from the time I was negative nine months until now. Families grow close and transparent. With this intimate distance comes the ability to share what one really thinks. With close proximity and true feelings flying around, two people can really hurt each other. Hence, family drama is at an all-time high. Siblings don’t speak. Parents have children that are estranged. Children hate their parents. Relatives go years without seeing each other.

My family is Italian. Italians are not only vociferous, but they animated and dramatic, as well. When Dad’s brothers and sisters got in a fight, they became fuming mad within seconds. When a disagreement happened, they didn’t speak for years. My dad’s closest brother went from coming to our house unannounced for twenty years every night (according to my mother), then not speaking to my father for ten years. Finally, closer to both of their deaths, they reconciled. I’m not sure how it happened. But, interestingly enough, my father died of cancer. Two weeks later, his brother fell off of his roof to his death. Those brothers were connected in some great way. With connection comes drama.

Recently, I had a close family member get in a fight with another family member. Without telling any of us, that member just stopped talking to the entire family and never gave us a clue as to why. We were all very close, so no family member went unscathed by this separation. Each of the last three Christmases, we all prayed for that family member. Some days, I would wonder if I should reach out and ask why. But something in my heart made me keep a safe distance. Last night, we got a letter from this family member asking for one of my sisters to call. My sister held no malice, so she reached to the estranged member. Life seems to be flowing back to homeostasis.

My point in all of this is that forgiveness is paramount when it comes to family and close relationships. The forgiveness we give has to start with ourselves. Personally, every night before I go to bed I take a inventory of things I did right and things I could have done better. (I’m not about beating myself up or judging myself harshly. I think judgment benefits no one.) But, I always ask for new direction if something didn’t work out quite right that particular day. Then, I meditate on it. Usually, by morning, I’m clearer about what I need to do to make significant change.

Sometimes, in relationship, the answer is to keep your distance. Clarity and forgiveness are paramount when dealing with family. Also, in that clarity, finding the proper boundaries for your self is equally important. If you know that you can’t trust someone 99%; then, you still love and care for that family member, but take the proper boundaries to keep yourself from getting hurt. Sometimes, for me, this means, not spending as much time, talking as much, and more specifically, letting that particular person know that I don’t play games.

Showing a boundary is kind of like a cat arching his back. Just the body movement is significant enough to know where the cat stands with the situation. We often can handle family relationship without arguing and being more like our animal friends. My favorite metaphor for how to act in close relationship is when two ducks get into a battle about territory. They will squabble, flare their feathers, and peck at each other for about a minute. But, moments later, they float away peacefully, every time.

 

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