The dating experience is an anomaly. When you think you have really figured out people, then, you realize you know nothing about anyone. Almost everyone has about three layers hidden beneath the surface, especially when first meeting you. Friendships are similar. Most people, decidedly, try to make their best impression, first. Then, along the way, you begin to see what is hidden underneath.
Case and point: I went out with a dude whom I had been talking to online for about three weeks. In his bio, he was this intellectual, spiritual person, very handsome, as well. Even when we met, we resonated on all those levels. However, when he sent a text message the next day he said, “I’m sorry that you’re not Latino. I am trying to be attracted to handsome men, other than Latinos, but my truth is that I’m just not! I’m sure you’ll find a nice guy!”
So, I’m thinking to myself, why didn’t you tell me that spiritual insight upfront. Why use me as your guinea pig experiment? What if people said, up front, what was really going on? Would we still take the time to date them? I wonder.
Say for instance, this same man talked to me on the phone, and in one of our conversations, he said, “Hey, I just want to tell you that usually I’m only attracted to Latin men. I think you’re really handsome. My heart feels like I’m stuck in a paradigm I want to change. I just want you to know, up front, that this is the case.” Would I still have gone out with him? Probably. But I would have had my head in another place—more in a friendship place, than in a romantic place, which would have left me feeling better after the text, for sure.
The second issue with layers is that he said, “This is my truth!” But, what would have been more appropriate to say is: “This is my attachment… and I’m not sure why!” Then, we both could have set out on a course to uncover the reason he couldn’t look past the physical to the internal, especially, if he truly was attracted, as he said he was. That, of course, I don’t know, either. Dating, again, crazy stuff!
What we don’t see in almost everyone we date is his level of attachment problems and issues. Generally, a securely attached individual presents in a way that is very casual and open, almost transparent. But, most people are adept at covering up the problem areas of their lives with a classic veneer of kindness and interest.
I went out with a guy who had a six-month-0ld boy. He was completely upfront about his life. “It’s hectic. I’m probably going to bring my child with me to our date. But, it should be okay. Six thirty is usually his sleeping time.” This guy was very nice, but had a kind of bitchy bite about him.
He shared that most men don’t want to date him because of the child, but I think it had more to do with him and his negative outlook on life. Again, layers of attachment he revealed about going to ministerial school and growing Baptist, only to discover he was gay and God would send him to hell. This caused a very negative undertone in everything he said, at least, for me.
While we were at dinner, about twelve gay men came over to the baby and cooed and goo-ed. I’d imagine he could find another man who would want to have a small family, too. But, this situation is much like a woman with children trying to find a man who wants a ready-made family. They are few and far between. But, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t available men out there wanting the same as you. The dating pool will just be smaller.
Today, be aware that what you see on the outside of a person, in his/her words and actions, may not be the person that is lurking within. Also, what we present as individuals on the first meet up should be our authentic self, even if it means revealing something, perhaps, a little different or negative. Should this make us pessimistic about life and dating? I hope not! My desire is to make the dating experience more real.
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These two books, found on any online bookstore, are companion books, with daily reading to help you discover your own, unique spiritual path, and also learn a lot more about other people and relationships.
[Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books helps people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE. Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle: ]
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