#healthycommunication #relationshipadvice #relationship
Blog Begins Here: My lawn man was to cut my grass the day before my open house for my realtor. He was to arrive first thing Friday morning. I finally heard from him at 5:45 P.M. that evening. He told me, then, that he was running late and that he would get to me later in the evening. It was completely dark before I heard from him again. “I’ll be there first thing in the morning, I promise,” he said.
The next day, he arrived at 6:00 P.M. When he got to my house, he said, “I’m so sorry. I had a problem with my soon-to-be ex-wife and child. I will cut your grass for free this time.” The word “FREE” became the operative word; and, even though disdain filled my mind, as I detest broken promises, I told him I was okay with that barter.
Truth be told, I understand how hard life can become when you have difficulty in relationship. At one point in my life, I slept with an unforgiving partner of seven years and wanted to scratch his eyes out at the same time. Looking back, I don’t know how I crawled over him every night to get into a frigid queen-sized bed smashed up against a wall, without communicating one word. This kind of cold-shoulder act would go on sometimes between us for weeks. I can’t imagine what the situation would have been like had we had children.
After my lawn man finished mowing that evening, he also did some weed killing with chemicals. When I called him to book our next appointment, he finally voiced his disappointment that I didn’t offer him any money to do the week killing the week before. Suddenly, I began to get a deeper understanding of the problem in his personal relationship. He offered to do my yard for free, but secretly wished that I would see through his offer to give him money, anyway. This is just pure and unadulterated passive-aggressive behavior.
I responded, “You have to tell me what you want. You can’t just assume that I will know what you need. In the future, if you need money for the chemical you put on my lawn, say: “I can do the service for free, but I’ll need money for the chemicals.” That’s all that I require in communication. (I secretly hoped that he would have some insight into his own issues with his wife, while dealing with me. I don’t know if that happened.)
As most of my clients who come to me with relationships problems usually have had bad parental archetypes, I know that to expect a person to be a good communicator in any relationship is just impossible in this day and age. Learning to be authentic and trusting yourself enough to say what you feel can take many years of practice, as it had with me. When I was in the terrible relationship I spoke of earlier, I almost never communicated my truth. I seethed inside with anger and expected that my anger would tell the story to my now ex-partner. However, anger does nothing to make relationship better, but causes you to say things you don’t mean and, also, will be impetus to act inappropriately.
If you don’t want your soul to be crushed in relationship, learn to speak your truth at the cost of having to leave the relationship. Most interestingly, almost the exact opposite action happens when both parties share their deepest, most intimate truth. Life begins in that moment. Relationship begins with your deepest gushing from the heart. Most couples find their way back to the moment they first fell in love, then work from there, to find healthy boundaries and better communication skills in everyday life.
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* Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-445-8861 or www.BoSebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.
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