Where Is Love—Part II

I’ve heard in the dark night of my soul demons speak, “Love will never come to you. You are not worthy of love. You are broken. Who could love you?”

            In those moments I wondered if I would ever have the kind of romantic love we all dream about. But the truth is I have had that kind of romantic love. It was ephemeral, but it was there. I know what it feels like to be loved from head to toe. But does that kind of love last forever?

            It’s a glimmer in the eyes of God. Actually it’s a glimmer in all of our eyes. It is not the love any of us are looking for. We look for the kind of love that connects us to ourselves and stabilizes our hearts and minds, so that we can get to the important things in life, like growing, finding our purpose, helping the world in some way. We look for nurturing love, like parental love, because that is what our DNA sets the standard for.

            When you come out of the womb, the first thing you need is a caregiver—someone to feed you, to hold you, to take care of your crying needs. I don’t think that changes throughout our entire life. We are wired for it. This is why men stay with women who take care of them and their children and have affairs on the side. They need the stability, but want the sexuality too.  Not very often can a person provide both. Try rearing 2-5 children and being a sex object at the same time. It’s not an easy task. Most women can’t find time to take a shower, let alone shave and primp. I have four sisters. I know what women feel in that situation. And I have heard some stories of their philandering husbands too. As a brother, you just want to strangle the husbands with your bare hands.

            So, where does this feeling of “I’m bereft of love” come from?

            I’m sure a lot of it comes from watching hours of television and movies. We see a model of love that just doesn’t exist in reality. I know of no couple who doesn’t argue and who hasn’t passed through the “I can’t stop touching you” phase of relationship. It doesn’t exist. But good healthy relationships do exist for those trying to shape and form them. It takes two people though—two people 100% in for the ride.

            My take on relationship is this: if you are in a loving relationship, you are also in a relationship that is going to show every fault you have. You are looking in a mirror that is going to reveal every last flaw you have. You better be ready to work on those flaws, or get out. Most people are too immature to realize that relationship is about work. So they get married and divorced within two years. That’s about the time it takes for a person to get through the “I can’t stop touching you phase” and reach the “I can’t stop seeing everything that’s wrong with you” phase.

            It can be a hard place to be if you are not seeking help and don’t have some take on how to handle the issues of this burden.

            So, let me just say this to the person who feels like he/she is empty without romantic love in his/her life: You may be feeling some physical need that will come and go, but you are not missing real love. True love comes from God and comes from understanding and knowing yourself in a big way.

            Ask anyone who has gone through a broken relationship. The first thing he or she does is take some time out to get to understand himself/herself. It’s that missing piece that you have gone into relationship without. When you go into relationship without the need of a relationship, you are probably on the right track. Two people who go into relationship with the need of one another are about to venture into codependency for certain.

            However, two people who go into relationship with wholeness, will find that at the roots they can connect, but have branches that flourish in different directions without either of the two people smothering or being too entangled to breath and have autonomy as well.

            Find love in yourself, and relationship will probably find you.