Who am I Without Her/Him?

Who Am I Without Him/Her?

            I asked my dear friend and Forgiveness coach, Rev. Donna Michael if she has ever had clients who think about bad past relationships, then fantasize about being with that person, while living with their present mate. She answered, “All the time, but not because they want to be with their ex. We pine for the ones we leave, because we miss who WE WERE with that ex-partner!”

            I think that is just about the most brilliant advice I’ve heard this month. In other words, I don’t miss my –ex, I miss the man I was with my –ex.

• Perhaps, I was funnier with my ex, because he liked to laugh.
• Perhaps I talked more because he enjoyed a great glass of wine and conversation after dinner.
• Maybe I was sexually more involved because it matter more then and I was younger. 

            All these things could be very possible, and still not make me want to actually be with my ex-partner.

            When something becomes clear this big, I breathe a sigh of relief. It’s as if you realize life as you know it will change just from one bright ah-ha moment. You’ve got to love when the bright light of spirit shines on you like that. I feel like this advice will help many in the days to come. Thank you, Rev. Donna.

            So, I started making a list this evening of all the things that I missed about myself, from my first relationship to the last relationship I left. Here are some of the things I came up with:

• I spent more time socializing;
• I had a better work ethic because more of our time together was about work;
• I enjoyed spending more money because we jointly had more money (or maybe as I look back, more desire to use credit);
• I enjoyed spending more time planning get-togethers, because socializing was an important part of our relationship;
• I spent more time vacationing, because I valued time off more than I do paying off my home;
• I spent more time talking about the arts and going to opera, symphony in the park, the ballet, because we shared that interest;
• I spent a lot more time working on projects together or separately, which made me feel like I was always working towards something greater, because he was a workaholic;
• I had my own hobbies like ice skating and swimming because I had to spend time by myself.

            As I look at this list of things I have let go with old relationships, I have to wonder why with divorce I have let go parts of myself as well. It’s not a good behavior. Especially, when you let go of time that you need by yourself to nurture your soul with things that are yours and only yours.

            Naturally, I’m likely to think that I miss parts of myself because I’m not with that other person. This is simply not the truth. I have relinquished parts of myself to, perhaps, forget the old relationship, because it hurt too badly to be around certain people, certain activities, and do certain behaviors.

            But what is not true in this circumstance is that I have lost the power to regain any of these behaviors again. If I have done my work in disconnecting from the past and regaining my autonomy from old relationships, I should be very likely able to continue doing anything on my list of things I miss about myself, without feeling great sadness about a lost relationship that wasn’t worthy my time and my love.

            So, today, why don’t you try making a list of all the things that you were with the people you have left—past friends and past lovers.

            Then commit to evaluate this list and find those behaviors that you really miss in you life. And every time you think about an old flame, figure out who you were with that person… and rejoin the behavior in the present, because this is truly what you miss.