Reality or Fantasy

            Fantasy:  You come home from work and had a rotten day. Your partner soothes you with warm, comforting words. You have all the attention you need to feel uplifted and secure. He runs a bubble bath for you, turns on your favorite music, and pours you a glass of your favorite vino. “Here, babe. Anything else I can do to make up for the shitty day you had?” You take the wine glass from him. He slips his arm around you and kisses you softly on the neck and whispers, “I love you so much.”

            Reality:  You complain to a friend about your wife again. You have been together ten years with no children. You get so weary of the same argument that you sometimes just want to up and leave? But you remember something important you said to yourself just before you committed to this relationship, “I know this marriage is where I’m supposed to be. I’ve been in others, and there have been challenges there too. I know that these challenges just mirror what I need to work on in myself. I will stay and see this through, trying to make every day better.”

            Which world would you rather live in?

            Only a fool would say that he or she would rather live in reality. Reality just reeks sometimes. It tastes of boredom, impatience, the same moves with the same words, and even the same food cooked on the same days of the week. Yet, somehow most of us end up in relationships exactly like our reality check. Why is that?

            Our first relationship typically mirrors the relationship that we had with our most antagonistic parent. We choose a partner, unbeknownst to us, who is just like that parent. Once the great sex and romance goes away, we find ourselves in a battle that is exactly as we had with that parent who never stopped poking us with small pricks of poisonous darts. Most of us tend to divorce or leave this pattern after a while.

            We go on to another relationship. If we were lucky, we learned a bit about what not to be attracted to. But three years down the road, we again find ourselves in a similar situation. We begin to think that relationship is a scam and everyone is just that same antagonistic parent dressed up in sheepskin waiting to attack.

            We break-up and fly solo for a while and date around, maybe sleep around. That doesn’t fulfill us. Or maybe it does for a bit. But then we get hungry for something more permanent. We might see a therapist to assure us that we do not end up in the same relationship again. We get dictums and rules about what to watch out for. We do a lot better this time. But after the romance wears off, we still find ourselves struggling. 

            Why?

            Because of one simple fact: True, loving relationships are just mirrors for spiritual growth. If you’re not ready for that, don’t get in one. (I used the words “true and loving” carefully, because I’m not saying you should ever stay in an abusive relationship or a relationship with a narcissist.)

            Reality Check:  I recently got into a live-in relationship after ten years of vowing I wouldn’t do this again unless it was absolutely the right person. When I met Steve, everything about him yelled out: THIS IS THE ONE WHO WILL BE FAITHFUL AND LOVING FOR THE LONG HAUL!

            Notice, I didn’t say that everything about him said, we will never have a disagreement or have to learn to accept each other with all our baggage. And let me tell you, my darlings, after 52 years, I came with some heavy baggage. I feel lucky anyone would venture to pick up one of my suitcases, let a lone want to co-abide with each of them.

            Relationship is more about a consistent and constant commitment to stay together and to love with compassion, even when you can’t understand or have trouble sleeping when they are snoring.

            Very few species on earth mate for life. This is probably because there are so many alternatives to loving committed relationships that actually give us some sense of peace and satisfaction. But for some of us, albeit, most of us, relationship is a part of being an adult.

            As an adult, you realize that what a neighbor has isn’t necessarily the bomb until you’re living in his/her shoes and can see behind every corner of their house.

            Reality or Fantasy? I’ll stick with Reality this time.