Drinking Rum and Coca-Cola or Pimping Out a Friend

            God, why didn’t someone tell me that as you get older you can not drink and go dancing until 1:00 am anymore? The last time I’ve been out after 10:30 was about 3 years ago. Even then I had to toothpick my eyes open for the last act of "Glee the Movie."

            Getting older is a drag. Not a drag queen, but just a drag. You sometimes wish getting older could be a drag queen, because at least you could use heavy make-up to cover the wrinkles and wear wigs instead of spray-on hair to cover your bald spots.

            Age is seamless and constant. But one thing I just don’t understand about it is why do we get smarter and wiser as our bodies turn decrepit? Wouldn’t you think that the wiser you got, the stronger your body would get? If someone has a one-on-one with God in the next day or two, let HIM know about my latest discovery.

            I started my day off with a bang. My dear friend Susan Worley Meador took me to a birthday lunch. (I’m still open for birthday lunches for the rest of the month… hint hint.)  After which we went to a used music store to look at keyboards. When we got back into my Beemer, it didn’t start. I had a battery charged jump starter in my trunk. Alas, that didn’t work. Who would think being prepared would not work?

            Susan called for a tow, while my brilliant mind stood outside the car and assessed the surrounding area. What was that across the street? An AutoZone? HMMM>

            We decided to walk over there and ask if Susan (notice I didn’t say me) could get some help. A dirty dude handed me some jumper cables and said, “Get the car over here, and we’ll help her out.”

            So, I pimped Susan out to a burly truck driver near my car, who gladly jumped the car for her. We took the car over to the AutoZone, cancelled the tow, and got the battery replaced for about 1/3 of the cost of what BMW would have charged. Fancy work and Susan only had to show her cleavage twice and her legs three times. Thank you, girl friend. All those power walks were worth it.

            Now, you may ask, “Bo, why did you not trust that the crotchety old men and the redneck men would do you a favor on Nolensville Road in Antioch? Don’t you have faith in yourself?”

            My answer is simple. “No.” Have lovely woman, use her wisely in redneck areas. This is the best spiritual advice you’ll get from me from today.

            When I got home I took a fat nap, ate and went shopping at the Green Hills Mall (the best mall ever) to use my gift cards from my Birthday.

            Don’t you just love gift cards? They are like nesting dolls—a gift in a gift. You get to open them inside the card. Then later you get to get yourself what you really want. I think everyone who doesn’t know what to really get you, should give gift cards. Another spiritual axiom for today.

            I found the best bargain at Macy’s, of all places. I got a King Size comforter with sheets and shams for $49 down from $200. It is so beautiful. And I also got this great travel bag that I can use to put all my yoga stuff in on the bottom part and pack my gym clothes on the top and it has wheels. It was down from 150 to 55. Then I get to the check out counter, and the lady offers me another 35% off for opening an account. I practically got my Macy’s purchases for free. Oy, vey.  Of course, I’ll close the account next month and reopen it the next time they ask me to and get 35% off again. Did you know you were going to get three spiritual goodies to take home with you today? OMG

            The last thing I bought was a swim suit at Dillards for 65% off. (I always buy my swim suits for next year the year before. Such a good idea. You must go now though, because they will go quickly.) I almost bought a black one again, then I heard Steve’s voice in the back of my head saying, “Say ‘no’ to drab, Bo!” And I went with the purple. He was proud. Cost: $11.

            This is the best spiritual advice yet! This is why I can drive a Beemer and live in a $300K house. Because I shop like I live in a trailer and am on food stamps.

            I may not be able to stay up to frigging 1:00 am anymore, but I sure know how to make a $200 gift card feel like $600. Now that’s a gift that keeps on giving.