Finding a Secure Relationship in an Insecure World

Finding a Secure Relationship in an Insecure World

What frightens us most these days is not having someone to love and hold when the world seems the scariest. Though you may be the type of person who has been raised to be autonomous and not respect dependency of any kind, the truth is: we all depend upon other people every day of our lives. This interdependency is what makes the world tick. I depend upon people staying in the right lane so that I don’t wreck. I depend upon the pharmacist to put the right prescription in my bottle so that I get well. I depend on the grocer to stock the shelves to I can eat. No matter how you look at life, we all are dependent upon one another—all part of one big functioning mechanism that usually works quite well.

Our world and our lives are based on relationship. So, to think that you can be alone and happy is probably a misnomer. I bet that you have a good friend, if you don’t have a partner, who satisfies a great deal of the needs of a partner. For that reason, it’s easier to avoid the idea of having a committed, adult relationship that is intimate.

But the trick is this: Finding someone who is a “Securely Attached” individual. What are the traits of a securely attached person, you may ask? Below are a few:

Isn’t afraid of intimacy

Isn’t afraid of getting close—doesn’t run away from closeness

Doesn’t think a disagreement is the end of the relationship

Is well-balanced with work and play time

Is comfortable with romanticism

Relates well with conversation and intimate subjects

Invites you into his/her world when the time is right without hesitation

I know plenty of men and women friends are saying, “How do I find someone like this? Does someone like that even exist?”

The answer is that most of the securely attached people are actually taken, it’s true. But if you wait long enough, there will be someone in your life that you didn’t notice before, who will present him/herself. And when that person comes into your life this time, your eyes will be wide open.

What happened before was that you were looking for a spark and an excitement in your body and mind to make you think that a person was the right one. And that spark has proven to be that you have trained yourself to react to “Avoidant” men and women because they are unattainable. Something goes off in you that makes you think you can change them. A bell goes off inside your brain that says “the chase is on.”

But the truth is: this person will never be a good match for you. The one you didn’t notice was the right one, because he didn’t cause any fireworks to go off. He was the one who was so secure, you considered him boring.

But you have to change your mind. Where has your “gut reaction” to relationship gotten you so far? Has it landed you the right “secure” person? Or are you still in the wrong relationship or single?

I’m asking myself the same questions. This entire look at Attachment Styles is such a revelation to me that I plan on reevaluating everything I have ever done in relationship up to this point and changing my choices according to what I need instead of what I sense in my body and mind is right. My mind and body have been programmed by the world of my misinformed and codependent behavior of my past. I have no use for that part of my brain any more, except, perhaps, that it may indicate exactly who NOT to go for.

Finding a Secure Person in this Insecure World may be as easy as opening your eyes to something new and different. It may be that you have to open your heart authentically and when something authentic isn’t returned, you simply move on, instead of pining over someone who has no power to be your “secure” mate.

I strongly recommend you read the book that we have been reading together if you haven’t as yet gotten it: “Attached.” The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it can help you find and keep love. By Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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