When Is It Time to Say Good-bye

When Is it Time to Close the Door?

            Every day I see clients who have spent, sometimes, twenty years trying to make a relationship or a job situation work out. And, still, the prospects of working out for the better or making them feel as if they are in a good place and peaceful are bleak. The question is and will always be, when is it time to close the door on a relationship or on a bad work situation?

            I have been in both good and bad situations and have lots of experience in letting go. It’s hard. It’s like a death. No one likes to experience death in his or her life. So, we tread lightly on those areas that may make change so drastic that will create chasms deep and empty. We don’t move swiftly toward correcting indecision, but lightly, so that we never make a move toward finality, which leaves everyone in limbo for way too long.

            The big question is: If you are unhappy in a relationship of any kind, is it fair to leave the other person believing you are happy and content when you’re not? Is it fair to your own body and mind—that is taking the brunt of the pain—to leave you in a situation where you consume all the feelings day in and day out until your body is riddled with cancer or your heart is so weak you are on the verge of a heart attack? I don’t think so.

            Let’s look at a few scenarios to see where there is hope and where there isn’t a chance for a healthy change.

            Scenario One:  You come home daily to a partner who has nothing but negative things to say to you and to the world. He complains constantly about everything. There is no pleasing him. He and you have parted ways intimately about ten years ago because you just got tired of him saying no to your sexual advances, but you sleep in the same bed. It was easier to be alone than to be rejected. You live your own life without really connecting with him at all. He has no designs at making a change and you’ve tried everything you know to encourage it.

            The above scenario is not a relationship. If you are staying together for the kids or for comfort or for finances, you have made the wrong decision. There is more to life than emptiness and a curmudgeon’s constant complaining. MOVE ON.

            Scenario Two:  You have been in a relationship for a little over a year and things aren’t working out as planned. Your partner started out going to church with you and now she rejects the idea on Sundays, when your church family is your favorite part of the week. Living together has been a struggle. She and you just don’t resonate like you did when you lived in two separate places. It seems that now she just isn’t trying to spend intimate time together and to have special nights. There is stagnancy and you don’t understand it. You’ve talked about it. Your partner says she loves you and will try, but you see no change. Should you move on?

            This is a tricky one. If it were me, I would try a few more things before I would move on. I might try counseling. I might try to see if there would be ways of compromising what I want for something she wants and vise versa. I would check in to see if other parts of her life were ok, such as her job or her health. Maybe something has changed you aren’t aware of. Take a little more time before you abandon something that may work out.

            Scenario Three:  You’ve been working at being a professional actor for twenty years. You have gotten a few substantial roles, but not enough to live on. You live with a partner who practically supports you during times of unemployment. During those times you feel desperate and annoyed at life. You don’t want to get a temp job because you may get an audition. Twenty years!

            I think it’s time to realize this is just a hobby, not a career. The dictionary defines career as: an occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person's life and with opportunities for progress.  I think the word progress just about sums it up.

            I know you have spent many years honing your skills, but reality is reality. I can’t tell you this as a writer when I realized that I couldn’t make my house payments on my residuals checks from my books. Writing is a hobby, not a career. I’m a writer. I still consider myself a writer. But it is by definition a hobby, not a career at this point in my life. That is not to say that at some point during my life as a hobby, it may turn into a career. That is yet to be seen, just as the end of your life as an actor is yet to be seen.

            Scenario Four:  Abuse. In any way, shape or form. Get out now!

            Scenario Five: You are not being heard in relationship or at work. Either you are not speaking loud enough or precise enough or you are talking to a narcissist. If you’re talking to a narcissist, leave the situation. If you need to work on your skills as a communicator, do that. Sometimes, people expect their partners to know what they think without communicating it.

            Not communicating isn’t effective partnering. Learn to share what you are feeling with a good therapist or life coach. What you feel inside is important. Maybe you’ll find that your boss or your partner really wants to know how you feel. If that’s true, then the relationship is worth staying for.

            I hope you find peace in life, because that is the goal. Everything in life should have that barometer. When you look at your life, your relationships, your work, check-in with your heart. Am I at peace here? If you’re not, then you know that somewhere inside, your heart is begging you to move to the next step forward.