Midnight at the House of a Smoker (A Look at Smoke Cessation)

Midnight at the House of a Smoker (A Look at Smoke Cessation)

I had just gotten back from a three-day business trip. I was tired and more than ready for sleep. When I pulled back the covers at five minutes to midnight, my husband said, “Oh, no you don’t. You smell like a bar. Go take a shower before you come to bed!”

We had already taken to me smoking every cigarette outside and brushing my teeth before every kiss, but I must have really stunk if he was this adamant. I guess I shouldn’t have had that one cigarette in the airport in that smoke tank with the other twenty just-as-crazy smokers as I. The room was like wading through a thick gray fog. I could have just had a few breaths of the air and had a contact high.

So, I dragged my weary butt into the shower and washed my hair. As I was blow-drying my hair, I kind of hoped I was keeping him awake.  I resent him for keeping me from what I want to do, but I resent myself more for not having the guts to quit. I guess that’s honest truth. I argue for my rights as a smoker. But the truth is I hate the way I feel. I detest the way I smell. And worse yet, every day I segregate myself more from the people I love by smoking. Something inside likes it more than it likes life.

I sank into the bed after my hair was dry and fell asleep fairly quickly. What I do remember is waking up with a huge coughing attack. I had to get up about 4:00 a.m. and get a drink of water and catch my breath. The hacking is getting worse with every cigarette I smoke. My lungs burn and I fear the worse… cancer… like Dad.

You’d think that after quitting for ten years, the last thing I would do is pick cigarettes back up after my dad died of lung cancer, but that is exactly what I did. Anxiety, I complained to myself. Smoking eases my anxiety.

Now, what’s going to kill me sooner, the anxiety or cancer?

Two months ago I tried the patch—to no avail. Three months before that I tried Chantix, which just made me crazy. Cold turkey just scares the shit out of me. But I guess I’m going to have to do something soon, because I can’t live with myself, and it appears it’s getting harder to live with me too.

Well, it’s New Years. Maybe this is the day I’ll try and actually make it.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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