When Confusion About Past Love Hits

            When you are as old as I am, or most of us reading this—hell, even if you’re fifteen, you have probably been through more than one love. If you have, then there are probably triggers in your life that remind you of that special someone who come back to haunt you, even though you are not with that person anymore or even if that person hurt you badly. In most cases, take that scenario and multiply it by 2-5 people, which is the amount of people most of us middle-aged people have loved and lost.

            This isn’t something to be discouraged about. You are not grieving that person or those relationships—solely.  You are grieving the “possibility of what those relationships could have been” more than anything. Remember what you just read, and it will save you a lot of money on expensive wine and therapy.

When we try so hard at love, and it doesn’t work out, we get lost in the “what ifs.”

Ø What if I were a little more compassionate to his needs?

Ø What if I would have waited a little longer for that wound to heal?

Ø What if I hadn’t kissed my secretary at the Christmas party?

The “what ifs” form a wall around the relationship that contains it in the category of “IF ONLY.”

            “Ifs” are a way to fool your self into believing something could have been, when it really never was. Maybe we could have changed things if we could go back in time. The truth is, though, we can never go back in time.

            Learn to be happy with the present. If you aren’t happy with the present, then change it. You are the only one who can.

            If you really screwed up a relationship and want it back, you may be lucky enough someday to make things right. But good luck at the waiting for that day. Most smart people are not ready to let the same thing happen to them over again—especially with the same person. Doing anything wrong over again is just crazy.

“Fools walk when the crosswalk sign says STOP!” (Did I make that up or has someone already said it?)

            Used to be, every time I would break-up with a dude, I would go back and haunt all the old relationships in my past. I would dig up the “what ifs” like a deranged gravedigger. Usually, I would find that the same wrong things were going on in those relationships that were going on when I was in them. People may change, but the basic character of a person doesn’t usually evolve too quickly. What annoyed you five years ago, will probably still annoy you today.

            I picked this topic tonight because after I broke up with the last person I was dating, I made a vow to myself to keep my past in my past. I have done very well with some of those people. But a few of the past loves I missed as friends, and I let them back into my life.

            This is a tricky area if you are not very secure in your current relationship. You may think that love goes away, but I’m of the belief that love—real love—stays around for a long time. So, when you befriend an old lover, you are going to be haunted occasionally by those moments of “what if.”

            Know this and know this well: The answer always to the question of “What if?” is “What was, wasn’t—so, what is, is just what it is!”