Loss of Sexual Desire - Part III (Erectile Dysfunction)

The Loss of Sexual Desire—Part III

ED is one of the largest reasons for men to stop having sex. ED can be caused by multiple factors from a bad bicycle seat to diabetes to mind over matter and lots of other physical ailments. Erectile Dysfunction effects 18 million men in the US alone. That's a lot of men going without sex in their relationships. 

            Now, does ED necessarily mean that a man is not wanting to have sex or does it mean he is incapable of having sex or both? These are good questions, and I hope to answer them.

            Look, I just want to say up front, though, that these issues about sexuality that I have been confronting are very raw for some people. I'm sorry if you are not liking my posts this week. Next week we'll get back to something more spiritual and less raw. But this week, I was led to deal with the more difficult to talk about. I have had more emails and phone calls this week than I have ever had before pertaining to something I've written. All of the correspondence so far has been 100% positive. So, I'm moving forward with this subject.

            Let's say Joe comes into my office and says I am having trouble with ED. I can get an erection when I'm by myself or looking at porn, but I can no longer get an erection when I'm with my wife. Would you think that the issue was physical?

            Now if Joe had just had testicular cancer removed and came to me with the same problem, would you be inclined to believe it was physical?

            This is where I'm trying to take you in this paradigm. And there are lots of place in between. 

            Medications render people listless about sex, especially antidepressants. Pain killers will also take away the ability to ejaculate. And let's face it, if you are in pain, period, you probably don't want to even consider having sex. If I have a bad migraine, all I can think about it a cold, heavy compress and a dark bedroom with no one touching me. And there are some people who live in that kind of pain every day. In those cases, I'd imagine ED would be physical challenge.

            What I have told my male clients with ED over and over again is: Just because you can't perform, doesn't mean you should stop intimacy with your wives or partners. Intimacy can have many forms. I doesn't have to be intercourse for you. You don't even have to use your imagination to begin to think of other ways you can be together that would be authentic and loving for both of you, even if the male genitalia isn't responding. 

            Here is the rub: When two people get together and are close and touch with love and respect and intimacy—sparks fly. It doesn't matter if full on sex happens... ever. In fact, sometimes, ejaculation just gets in the way of two people really stimulating each other.

            Put aside your need to climax when you're with your partner. Concentrate on stimulating your partner with gentle touch and kisses and massage. Use other parts of your body to touch. Feel with your cheek and the under side of your arm and calf. Rub their feet. Massage their hands and fingers. Rub his/her scalp. It's amazing!

            A good massage therapist should not be taking the place of your intimate partner. A massage therapist should be dealing with your clinical needs, not your need to be touched and caressed. 

            Most of us are human beings in dire need of expressing ourselves sensually, if not sexually. It's not a sin to know that and want sex in your life. It is a blessing to understand your needs and express them with passion with the one you love. This should liberate you and your partner.

            If you have a partner that is expressing the desire to withdraw from sexuality, and it's not from ED, then you need to talk about it. Why? Because this is relationship, folks! Relating with one another... the one you have chosen, above all others to relate with. Have one of you forgotten that? If you have, then you need to be reminded of that commitment, or dissolve it. No married person should be left having a relationship with himself or herself alone. It's simply not what you signed up for. 

            I guess the only way I would be backing away from this point of view is if your partner was physically ill to the point that he/she needed to be cared for by you. Then you'd have to call on another kind of love and compassion—the kind that God led you to from the very beginning, when you said, "I'd be there in sickness and in health."  

            But as long as two people are healthy, I think two people need to be actively relating.