Safe Enough to Stay #relationship #relationshipadvice
Many clients ask me how they would know if a relationship
is right for them. I often congratulate a client for even asking this hard question.
Most people simply fly by the seat of their pants, literally. By that, I mean
they use their sensual desire as a guidepost, which couldn’t be more wrong in a
situation where secure behavior is paramount for a lasting relationship.
My litmus test is simply this: Do I feel safe in this
relationship? What aspects of this relationship help me feel I can: 1) be
myself; 2) be transparent; 3) feel heard; 4) feel respected; and most
importantly, 5) feel that our spiritual and physical paths are moving in the
same direction? Most people don’t ask the last question and end up facing
difficult decisions, such as, having to move from their home and family, change
religions, stop exercising, eat vegetarian, or lie about the relationship to
relatives and family, to name a few.
A great relationship includes, at least, safety in knowing
that your partner loves you and sees a future with you. Yes, it may take a
while to envision the future (by “awhile,” I don’t mean 3 years). Most securely
attached people can see (I didn’t say plan!) a future with someone he loves
within a few months. If they can’t imagine it, it probably won’t happen.
Remember, what you see in mind, happens in kind.
So, if your partner is afraid to talk about the future
after you have made a solid commitment and have settled into the commitment for
a few month, then her mind simply isn’t completely in the relationship. She is
in, what I would call, a sophomoric mind set—one in which she is still looking,
while she is with you. I’m not sure I could bear that kind of relationship. Remember,
and don’t afraid to say this, “talking about the future” and “planning it” are
not the same. A secure person needs to be able to see a life with you and talk
about it, before you ever plan it. In other words, don’t start making loans and
selling houses until you have a ring on your finger.
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