Facing the Death of a
Loved One #death
I have spent days in the hospital with friends and family.
I have faced the shock of someone dying in an accident or murder. I have
grieved over the loss of a child. I have watched tearfully as a vet put my dog
to sleep. But nothing is worse than staring down death of your closest parent.
The healthy bond between a parent and child is a close one. When a parent
begins to show severe signs of aging, a place of grief inside rises up from
which you have never known.
Every since my mother has been diagnosed with a 90%
blockage of her right carotid artery, I have been feeling deep fear of losing
her. We have gone through two near-death experiences with her, and she has survived
both. She had a triple bypass two years ago and a colon resection while having
pneumonia five years ago. The last incident led to a month-long hospital stay.
Most days, I would arrive at the hospital imagining that she had passed while I
had gone home to shower. She looked that sickly.
Then, two years ago, seeing her chest sliced down the
middle for the bypass was more than my stomach could handle. When you are the
caregiver, you throw out being shy around anything and everything you have to
face for that parent. We all are naked in our most vulnerable times.
So, now, she faces yet another operation, tomorrow.
Without this surgery, she is sure to have a brain aneurism with only 10% of her
artery open and scary plaque filling the rest of her carotid. When she was
told, by her doctor that she had to have this operation, he told her it wasn’t
a serious one. But, all surgeries have risks. We both felt as if the doctor was
playing the risks down. You don’t take a knife to a place in the body that
brings oxygen-enriched blood to the brain without knowing that, with one slip
up, many scenarios, including death could occur. But, the physician was
probably trying to say that this operation is not brain surgery.
Mom decided to wait until the latest date she could to get
the operation, probably out of fear. But what has happened within the month
we’ve been waiting for the surgery, her symptoms have worsened. So, almost
every night, I get up and check to see if she’s breathing, like new moms with
their babies. When she doesn’t get up in the morning for breakfast, I’m
compelled to go to her bedroom and wake her, just to see if she’s breathing and
cognizant.
I’m not afraid of my own death. But dealing with someone
else’s death is difficult in so many ways, especially when you are responsible
for every last detail of her demise. Honestly, I’m not sure where to begin to
imagine what I’d do if she didn’t make it. With my father, my sister Lori took
the brunt of the responsibility, because she was his favorite. Even though I
helped her with all of the legalities, I still didn’t have to take the majority
of the harsh reality.
I had a friend say to me recently about the transition of
her mother, that mostly she felt relief. But the laws around death and the
transference of deeds and money and belongs get hard, sometimes. All that being
said, I understand your grief and fear, if you have a sick parent. We have to
trust that God has a beginning, middle, and end to every story and every
purpose here on earth. Accepting that that decision isn’t yours is part of a
happy, healthy, and secure life.
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