I had a second date last night with a nice guy. He was not
the guy I would usually attracted to. I am sincerely trying to find kind,
compassionate, caring men with the capacity to actually have a relationship. I
thought, after a lot of conversations and a great first date, this guy was a
good possibility.
He invited me over to his posh downtown condo for dinner,
which to me, meant he was serious about getting to know me. I thought the
evening went great. We laughed, we have a bit of touching, a couple kisses, but
nothing too passionate, and spent a few hours talking about things that matter
to the both of us, spirituality included.
This morning I got a text that said: “You’re a great guy,
but… Let’s just be friends!”
To tell you the truth, I wasn’t too shocked by it. I had
hopes that he would be different. But there were so many small indications that
he wasn’t into moving forward after about the first hour. Although he sat next
to me with his legs a bit entangled in mine, his arms were crossed though—a
sure sign of protecting his heart. When a commercial came on the television,
instead of focusing on me, he got irritated about something in the commercial—a
sure sign he was trying to deflect focus. When I asked him if we could make
plans to see each other again, he told me that his computer was off and could
he call me the next day, even though I knew he made appointments on his cell
phone and it was clearly turned on, as I had heard it go off several time
during the evening. He said leaving the planning to tomorrow would be a good
excuse to call me the next day.
Many of the things he did were what’s known as bate and
release, pursuer-distancer, or avoidantly attached behavior. You see, he told
me that his last partner had ended up being a cocaine addict, which he didn’t
realize until after 6 months. He spent the evening tidying up and moving
miniscule things around instead of sitting with me. By the time I left, even
though he told me we would be getting together soon, I knew he had made up his
mind I didn’t have the right chemistry for him.
When I look at what the right “chemistry” for me was before
I read the book “Attached,” I was completely blind to the fact that everything
I looked for in romance was actually just about the opposite of what I actually
seeked. When someone felt like he was unable to attach, it made me more
interested and attracted. Chemistry is just a good word for neuro-pathways in
our brains that tell us we feel comfortable with a person’s mating dance.
The truth, if you choose to accept it, is that most of us
have been looking for the wildest, most flamboyant feathers of the male bird
strutting across our paths, when we actually should be searching for strong
character and compassion and the subtle feathers of a robin. It was clear this
man was attracted to me initially, because he found me on-line. He chose to
have a second date. So, what I see in his behavior has nothing to do with me,
but gives me a lot of reason to believe he has no idea how to search for secure
attachment. You don’t give up after two dates if you have attraction and you
think a person is genuinely sweet and nice. You wait to see if attraction
develops, because true love doesn’t come from just looks, it comes from mutual
respect for each other and is born of great friendship and time spent, along
with attraction.
Let’s face it, when it’s all said and done, what you really
end up with in relationship is a friend you share intimacy with. So, looking
for someone secure is an art. Even when you feel as if you are on the right
track, the person you may see as secure, may not be on the same path as you or
as bright as you when it comes to picking a partner. That was the case with
this date.
I did something I have never done before when I got the
text. I deleted his number and name from my phone, without ever answering the
text. I won’t be a pursuer again. That is my honor and truth to protect my
heart and my self-esteem. I’m not going to give my power away to people who are
not of the same ilk as I am. And neither should you.
Keep your chin up. Keep looking. That great person who sees
you as wonderful and respects and loves you just as you are is out there.
Eventually, if you can keep your heart open and vulnerable through this hard
process, you will find him or her.
* * *
Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health
Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New
Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at
615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
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