Blithe Love

Blithe Love

If you put twenty single men in a room and twenty single women in a room, some of them gay, some of them straight, would they naturally be attracted to people who are of like mind or would they be more attracted to people who were of the same ilk physically?

Many people say that gay men are stereotypically socially all about looks, attracted to people either just as handsome or just as rich. These people are mostly gay men who are a little over weight and not average looking according to whatever standards make these ideals or socially middle or lower class (again, I know this is a judgment that I hate to make, but I’m trying to get to a point, so bare with me).

What actually glues us together? It certainly isn’t the blithe stereotypes of social class and sexuality. Blithe means casual or cheerful indifference. Most of the love and marriages I see today don’t even resemble true love and intimacy. At best they look blithe! Why is that? Were we attracted to looks and not to substance? Did we not take enough time to see beyond the shelf life of the obvious and notice that at one point we were going to have to live with the inside and not just the skin?

This entire on-line process of dating takes us to an entirely new level of blitheness. We must take ourselves to two dimensions just to participate in the function of on-line dating, otherwise, there is no chance at meeting new people for the majority of the people out there. Socializing has come down to the same standards as shopping now—on-line it is. It’s simple. We don’t have to get off of our asses. We can do it from our own home. And… I think it becomes more of what you want to be in your profile, than what you actually are.

I’ve noticed that many people put pictures on-line of themselves when they were twenty pounds slimmer or five years younger. I’ve been doing my own personal research lately. I’ve noticed that when I ask someone for a current picture, or ask if they could take a picture on their phone right now and send it, most won’t. My guess is that their pictures on-line are an image that they hope they could someday be perceived as again, but certainly don’t look like now.

But what I don’t understand is that when these people actually attain a date from their on-line profiles, and their dates sees that they don’t look like their picture, aren’t they just setting themselves up for rejection? I would think so. Be honest about what you look like for god sakes. If you are overweight and have some rough skin, don’t do a brush job on the photo with your edit brush. The person is eventually going to see you.

I suppose this is why most people take weeks before they get compliant and will allow you to meet up for coffee and tea. I’m actually surprised at how difficult it is to meet some of these people, until I actually do. Then I realize that I wasn’t talking to the person in the picture, I was talking to a person who hoped he was the picture. No wonder he was so afraid to meet.

Now I’m becoming blithe to all of it. I went to one gay dating site this week where men are allowed to post nude pictures. Just for kicks I wanted to see what some of these profiles said. Here is an example of one of them: “Into 3-ways, fetishes, hookups, but also would be into relationship if the right guy showed up!”

My thought was: WHAT???  Do you think the universe is going to answer your request for the right guy to show up when you’re looking for everything but true intimacy? This, too, is a judgment, but really.

Another guy post a picture of an erect penis over a bowl of cereal and butterscotch sauce drizzled over himself. After looking at that, I swear I’ll never eat shredded wheat again. Really? Why oh why oh why would anyone think that was alluring or attractive? At best that would give someone an upset stomach. It sure gave me one.

After being on that site, I’m not sure I want to see a man naked again. I have friends who are massage therapists or physicians who say the same thing. I can understand it. I felt numb and unresponsive.

But as I told my friend today: “We have to keep telling ourselves that what we are looking for is intimacy, not sex. We are looking for a person to fulfill the space in our hearts that will be a friend, a confident, a joy maker, and also an intimacy maker.” When you combine all that, this entire spectrum looks a lot less blithe and lot more real.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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