What You Can Tell About a Person Without Asking

What You Can Tell About a Person Without Asking

I recently had a long and exhausting conversation with a woman who I thought would make a good friend. We seemed to have a lot in common. She was friendly, affable, and fun to be with. She seemed to have a lot to contribute in conversation. But as I explained some of the things we shared to my therapist friend, he confirmed that my new “friend’s” stories told a completely different story about commitment and loving relationship.

The Stories She Told and What They Said:

In our talks about relationship, she shared that she feels like hurt is probably inevitable in relationship. Though I agree, to lead with that would suggest that hurt is something she expects, maybe she considers part of loving. My first take was that she has a realistic look at finding love.

My therapist friend gave me an opposing view. It may be a self-esteem issue or lack of healing from past relationship. But as I heard the rest of her story, I would think it would be more about a pessimistic expectation about love. Only time would tell. I’m not here to make decisive decisions about a person and judgments about them. I am here to observe and watch what happens in the long term.

She shared that, though she was in love with someone else, she went searching on Match.com and went on a couple dates with someone else, whom she got a bit intimate with. That would be much like me expecting a rejection letter for a book manuscript from a publisher and sending out a new query letter without knowing the truth about the first submission.

Though it may save her from hurt from the guy she is currently dating and in love with, what about the person she is using as a surrogate love? Does the surrogate not have any rights in this situation? It’s almost as if she is operating on a narcissistic fantasy that life is about appeasing her needs, not anyone else’s. Again, not a judgment, but an observation.

Then she told me that her partner didn’t share the same feelings of love as she—perhaps not yet, that it might be a time of waiting to see. This is textbook anxious attachment behavior. And her partner exhibits textbook avoidant attachment. Or perhaps, he sees that they are not compatible and doesn’t want to hurt her.

I agree, I don’t know the entire story, but it would appear that I know enough to understand that love takes two people. I don’t know that I have ever been in a situation where I said, “I love you,” to someone when I wasn’t sure the same feelings were coming back to me. Can someone who is in touch with reality be so wrong about an intimate partner’s feelings?

Safety and security in love is about two people moving in the same direction. If one is more serious than the other, you have picked the wrong person. Trying to make a person love you is a waste of time. You may win that person in the long run, but you will always feel that he/she loves you less than you love him/her.

I would think that three months is long enough to know if a person is on the same page with you. If you weren’t sure the person was on the same page, the only reason you would share your initial feelings about love would be to coerce the other person to see you are passionate about him/her and make yourself look more desirable. Then the story becomes a woman in pursuit of something she may never get.

This woman also shared that the person she was dating was much younger. The woman is fifty, recently divorced, and has a teenage child. The only real reason anyone would pursue love with a youngster would be because he/she is trying to regain his/her youth, the years he/she lost in a relationship that never satisfied him/her. This isn’t a judgment, because I know plenty of young men who are more mature than I am. But when you look at being 70 and the partner is still 50 and great looking, you wonder what would happen then… I have a couple of friends in that situation and it is hard.

She also told me that in a recent relationship (I’m not sure at this point if she was talking about the current one), the partner was on a trip with her and blew up at her in the street. She didn’t tell me the reason, but shared later she said the man was a Democrat. She jokingly asked her boyfriend if she could pick up a Romney sign for him on the way to pick him up. So, she clearly doesn’t understand boundaries. I think I may have blown up at her too. My political beliefs are something I rarely share with anyone, unless I know that person is leaning to the same side as I am. I have completely decimated friendships and relationships discussing politics, because they are so close to my heart.

This woman shared with me that politics shouldn’t hold anyone back from love or moving forward. But let’s get this out there: your political stand is a big part of what you believe. What you believe is completely part of being in relationship—almost everything about the glue that holds two people together is right in the heart. The “feeling” of love is not the glue. The feelings will dissipate, and what will be left is what you have in common.

For instance, if you’re a Republican and gay there are many things a gay Democrat would see as a conflict of interest. First of all, he would see you as a person who can hide your personal life and feelings and put up a strong fight for anything financial instead of personal equality. This is clear in Republican politicians like Paul Ryan, who stands behind his religious beliefs like they are artillery for war against gays.

A Democratic partner might see a Republican gay partner as arrogant for considering they had much in common. The partner might also see the person as not fighting for what matters to him—the rights of every human being, which seems to be the Democratic way.

So, you see, that politics would play an extremely big part of the relationship story. I wonder if anyone can have a civil relationship without sharing the things that are of greatest important politically and socially.

The ongoing search for love is a place that holds powerful feelings and pressures that can change a heart from hot to cold in a split second. For me, it makes me realize that there is no knowing a person in a small time frame. The story unravels slowly. As it is said: “Slow and Steady wins the race.”

What you should be looking for in a person as you date him/her is much more than romance. You need to be observing him/her constantly, picking out the places that would cause—will probably cause—conflict. In the looking, make sure you have reality checks along the way. Having someone to hold you closely and intimately right now is not enough to make for a great relationship. Talk to a therapist about how things are moving forward in every relationship. Small details are important. How did your partner react to the waitress? Was he/she compassionate to others in your presence? Does he/she talk badly about others?

Great relationships are based on one thing: secure attachment. If you can’t find it, you should move on quickly.

I have many friends who say, “You know, you sound like you have all the answers, but look at your past in relationship. It doesn’t tell the story of someone knowing the truth about a good relationship.”

The truth is: Sometimes we have to be hit on the head with a baseball bat to understand our own story or understand the difference between secure attachment and avoidant attachment. For a wounded person, they look too much alike sometimes to reveal themselves in a short time.

I totally admit that I am that person, which is why you should be listening to me. I want to save you from the hurt I have endured. Also, getting out of a relationship before you spend a long time in a bad relationship is a good thing. I’m guilty of that, but I think it is not to my detriment. It makes me more in search of the real thing—secure attachment.

Watch, Look, and Listen! And let’s all learn together.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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