Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You

Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You

I have often had clients who have come to me aching over the idea that the person they care so deeply for can’t see them as a love interest, only as a friend. It’s a hard tale to listen to. You think, goodness gracious, just move on. This person is never going to love you.

But when you are love struck, and someone who doesn’t love you is holding the strings to your heart, there is nothing worse in the world.

I have been there a couple times. I’ll tell you, you just want to throw up most of the day. You feel confused, befuddled, stupid and, worse yet, completely out of control from your heart. The truth is: You are completely out of control of your heart. When that happens, the only thing you can do is begin to listen to your heart again and ask it what it really needs.

Clearly, your heart isn’t going to get the love from this person. But this person or the metaphor of this person in your life has such a great significance that you can’t seem to go on until you uncover what it is that is missing from your life.

Look at the person or anything, for that matter, that you feel you can’t live without and ask yourself this question: What would I feel when I receive the love of this person or possess this particular job or object? What will this bring to my life?

I once was asked a series of questions about my life’s goals. We started out like a family tree at the left hand side of a large piece of construction paper. We began to build branches of what certain things would bring to our lives if we got them.

For instance: I want to be a famous writer. What will that bring to me? It will bring me notoriety, money, a fabulous house, new social network, etc. Then from each of these items, another branch comes out. What will money bring you? You may answer, “The ability to be secure financially.”

Then you ask yourself, “What will being secure financially bring me?”

When I got to the end of this conundrum, what I really wished for was peace of mind. Even having a relationship with someone who loved me came down to security, then peace.

What I realized is that what we really want in life is already within us. We think we must possess something to gain something. Even love is our own doing. It doesn’t require someone else. When you love someone else, it is yours, not theirs. The matter of someone else loving you, is a completely different feeling. That feeling may bring security, anxiety, stress, or bring vulnerability that requires you to change. All of these things may not be what you expected of someone else loving you. But the truth is that we can only understand what WE feel, not what someone else feels.

This is the basis of living in the present. We can’t require the world to do anything, nor can we require anyone to feel a certain way. We must acknowledge that the present is exactly the way it is and be okay with that.

That is not to say that we have to stay in bad situations. I can be okay with my ex-boyfriend being nonmonogamous and not want to stay in that relationship with him. He has made his choice to be who he wants to be. Now I must make my choice too.

The universe is constantly requiring me to accept and respect what it offers, then make a choice about what I need to do as a result of this present truth. When you learn to be in the perfect now, you release from the idea that anyone “must” be how you need them to be for you to be happy. Your happiness is dependent on you and you alone.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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