Polyamory

Polyamory

Polyamory is often described at “consensual, ethical, and responsible nonmonogamy.” The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic. This is what Wikepedia says about Polyamory.

My thoughts about it are based upon watching many couples either discreetly or nondiscreetly having multiple partners and the burden it puts on the relationship.

First of all, I must admit that I have felt love for two people at once. I have dated somebody and was still in love with the person that was in the past. I understand that loves sometimes has no bounds and the issues around love get convoluted. But acting on nonconsensual polygamous feelings affects the one acting on his/her feelings just as much as it affects the person you are in relationship with mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I guess it all comes down to one’s definition of relationship. Many heterosexual couples would consider monogamy the norm; where a large percentage of gay couples consider polyamory to be the norm, especially in larger cities.

Let’s start with monogamy and move from there. What happens when a person who is supposedly in a monogamous relationship occasionally falls into nonmonogamous situations? These types of people must hide their proclivity from their partners and hope that it never gets discovered.

If you hide something from the person you love, the first thing you must do is distance yourself emotionally. Two people can’t love completely unless there is total transparency. When one person is hiding something, there is always a feeling of a wall between the couple.

We then have the case of a relationship that allows for consensual polyamorous outings. When you carefully examine this type of relationship, you either find two people who are bored with each other sexually or need something more than each other to make the relationship work. Again, I’m not judging anyone, just examining the issues.

When two people relate in a polyamorous way, you usually have avoidant attachment issues involved. One or both of the couple may love the other, but needs to have a certain amount of distance between them, perhaps to protect himself from past hurt. Either way, relationship becomes more of a business and less of an intimate space for perfect trust. There is never a time when one person feels he or she is the “most” special person in the mate’s life. If you can bare that feeling (I can’t), then this would be the kind of relationship you would seek.

I have often watched some “couple” friends in situations where they share a partner. It seems to be that one person gets along with that extra partner more than the other. There are also times when one person wants to pursue something with an extra, and the other doesn’t. The one who doesn’t usually ends up acquiescing in a way where he or she relinquishes control completely and lets the partner do as he or she may. Or if anxious attachment is involved, the other may just go through the motions to satisfy the one needing the sexual involvement.

When you look closely at any of these polygamous scenarios, you hardly find secure attachment or deep intimacy. Of course, with deep intimacy comes vulnerability—with vulnerability, hurt. So, I could certainly understand why someone would choose to stay at a distance emotionally. It’s a safer place to be in the long run, one would think.

But a true secure attachment feels as if the other person is completely trustworthy and is not afraid that emotional problems will dissolve the relationship. So, when you think about it, the only thing that is really lacking in polygamous relationships is secure attachment. One or both of the couple involved has to be avoidantly attached.

(If you are confused by the terms of Attachment, take a look at some of my other writing with that heading on the side panel of the blog.)

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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