Attachment Wounds
I cut the grass this morning. While circling a mammoth pine
tree, two black birds fell to the ground. At first, I thought it was one
wounded large bird. But I then noticed these two birds were mating, thrashing
around in the mulch. As I watched, it looked as though one was struggling to
take control, while the other was pushing away. Yet, the mating continued for
about one minute. Then they both flew in different directions.
Suddenly, I thought, I get it! That’s how mating is supposed
to work. You grab the first available bird, thrash around a bit, then fly in
opposite directions.
If only love and relationship could be that easy.
I went out with a man once on an initial date. He was much
cuter in person than his picture portrayed, which is rarely the case in online
dating or in life. I was pleased and very attracted. It seemed we were both
equally intrigued. The lunch was great and we planned on having another date
almost immediately. That date went well. Actually, it was one of the best 2nd
dates I had ever had. He was intelligent, funny, and we seemed to feel
extremely comfortable with each other.
Then a series of events happened within the next couple days
that revealed we were both dating other people at the same time, which I
thought was fairly normal. But I showed my heart and told him that I really
liked him. In our honesty, he shared that he actually was in love with someone
else, but that person wasn’t responding. It was painful for him, I could tell.
But that he mixed me up in his pain after only two dates, felt like surrogacy. Even
still, I was angry and fascinated at the same time.
I shared my thoughts with a friend who is very adept at
attachment theory. His comment was immediately, “Don’t engage! This is purely
an attachment wound for you.”
He explained that this person represented a lot more to me
than a date. He was everyone who had ever left me before. When he became no
longer available, it was as if
trying to heal a wound by cutting in deeper. This therapist friend shared with
me that attachment wounds are felt in the same place as the pain from a
physical wound. There is no telling your body you are not in pain. And there,
inherently, isn’t a way to tell your brain that you don’t feel pain in
relationship-attachment wounds either. The connection in the brain sees no
difference in the two different pain signals.
As the days went on, I found myself trying to get close by
offering advice. I knew I shouldn’t, but I did anyway. Eventually, he called me
‘arrogant’ and cut himself off from wanting to be friends. This, of course,
made the anxious attachment in me even worse. Now I had to show him that I was
not the arrogant person he thought I was, but a person who cared for him. I
tried my best to resist texting him, but eventually the attachment wound would
win out.
He would answer with one or two words—sometimes, but not
always, which indicated to me, he was no longer interested in engaging. I
understood cognitively. But my subconscious didn’t want to let go.
Every couple days I would check in and see how he was doing
with a text. In fact, the feelings of wanting to see him again and engage in
intimacy multiplied exponentially as he would not answer.
This is not love. This is a deep attachment wound. I know it
with all my heart. But there was very little I could do to appease the wound
that kept crying out like a baby that needed feeding.
I would say to myself, “Bo, you can see this that this
person is like poison to you. He cannot fill any of your secure needs for
attachment. He is avoidant and in love with someone else.”
Every time I spoke those words, the feelings of abandonment
got worse. I went back to my therapist friend for advice. Again, he shared that
it was a matter of deep attachment wounds. The only thing I could do was avoid
what was hurting me and create a safer place for me to heal. No contact with
this person!
Well, I can’t say that the solution was an easy one. But my
friend was right. The longer I let the person distance himself, the better I
felt. Time was the only means of healing, just as it would be if you were
wounded physically. Well, time and taking care of myself by using Attachment
Theory to help me find a person that is, indeed, the right person intimately
for me in relationship.
I hope this helps you to tell the difference between
obsessing about unrealistic love and secure love. One person is available. The
other is not!
* * *
Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health
Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New
Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at
615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
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