Most people, even under their armor of defenses,
really desire to have securely attached relationships. After many intimate
talks with thousands of friends and clients, I see, clearly, that the majority
of us desire to find that one true love and rest in his/her arms for the rest
of our lives. Even the people who philander with others during relationship,
usually continue on with the stable relationship to manifest security in some
way, while they satisfy sexual desire. So, it’s safe to say that our bodies and
minds are wired in the mainframe of our neural pathways to have a loving face
look on us, like Mom did when we were babies, and tell us she loves us unconditionally.
The problem in life is that most relationships start
out with security, but end up being dynamically contentious. Why is that so?
The two reasons are a.) that the closer we get to people, the more intimate we
become, the more dependent they feel upon our love, and feeling emotionally
naked scares people; and b.) closeness causes people to get too familiar and
often changes the level of respect between two people relating. (This truth can
be about friendship or intimate relationships.)
Let’s look at the first cause. If intimacy is
causing you to be scared, then you haven’t established a secure relationship.
If intimacy, by definition, is causing one of the partners to move further
away, then you have the dynamic of anxious/avoidant attachment in relationship,
not security. Intimacy should draw two people together and keep them there.
This is the reason why “transparency” in intimate relationships is the one
factor that should keep intimacy alive. If we move away from speaking our truths,
then our partners never know our real feelings. But, if we speak our truth, for
example: “I feel, by telling you how much I love you, that you will go away and
leave me for someone else. I understand that this may be coming from a past
relationship, but I need your help to control those bad feelings. Will you help
me?”
Above is an example of a loving, secure question,
from, perhaps, a person who is trying to get over past anxiousness. The answer
to whether or not she has a secure relationship is in the response of the
partner. If the partner walks away, then she has an avoidant person involved.
But, if in her fear, her partner takes her in the arms of love and embraces her,
speaking softly, “You don’t have to worry about me leaving. I truly love you.
And I’m sorry that you have had so many jerks in your past. But, I am not any
those people,” then you have found true, secure relationship.
The second issue is about familiarity. A partner
with a narcissistic tendency will use the information you have shared
intimately as artillery during a fight. This is in no way fair fighting or
secure behavior in relationship, and should be considered grounds for
separating far from the abuser. You will know immediately, if someone you love
can’t handle honest, secure relating, if this person chooses to use information
discovered in closeness to get what he or she wants from relationship.
This is simply the best reason to cut your losses
and start over. Some couples have found resolve in therapy, but most realize
that no one, not even a great therapist or psychologist can’t change someone
who bares the diagnosis of narcissistic. The truth is in a joke that therapists
say to each other: “If, after a session, you feel as if you are the crazy one,
the session must have been with a narcissist!”
The two books above are two of my favorite books to help people find resolve in their lives, while seeking spiritual truth! Help yourself to a serving of pure love and begin to read one of the above and begin your personal journey toward success!
***
[Chosen to show his new hypno-therapeutic
techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to
teach at the world conference for Learning, and Given the award of excellence
for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian, the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon
Gay Spiritual Warrior, helps
people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE,
your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE. Challenge
yourself with one of his 13 books, healing CDs (weight loss, meditation, smoke
cessation and more) or his Yoga DVD on Amazon or Amazon/Kindle: Go to Amazon Here!]
No comments:
Post a Comment