Are Relationships Supposed to Last Forever?
I have coached many people
through divorce and have been through a few of my own. In the doing I have
learned much about the word forever.
In the spiritual realm we seem to look at biblical scriptures for the man and
wife paradigm to see what we look for as far as longevity goes in relationship.
I can see that in the days of old, marrying a wife or two, establishing a large
home and garden would have been the thing to do to create towns of allies and
build prosperity. But for today, I wonder if relationship has to mean forever.
Let me just say that I’m not
against the idea of forever. In fact, I would love for a relationship to be
secure enough to last through the good and hard times. But as I have noticed in
others lives and in my past relationships, there have been many times when my
advice has been to walk away.
I’ll share some of the reasons
I suggested that it is time to let go:
1. Martha came to me telling me of a time when her husband was
kind and loving. She now says that he ignores her most days, has no interest in
intimacy, and seeks to spend time away from her. When approached to see if he
wanted to go to counseling, he adamantly says no. His approach to her has been verbally abusive. Her story
includes times of leveraging money and support from her as a result of not
doing what he tells her. In this case, I would not stay and wouldn’t recommend
anyone else to stay. The partner has all but given up. He is just cowardly
waiting for the wife to move away.
2. Johnson had been struggling
with sexuality for a long time. He has been kind, loving and compassionate to
his wife in all ways but intimately. He can’t seem to get aroused to have sex
with her. She still loves him and he loves her. They have two children together
and want to see both of them have at home
parents. My question to both of them is: Can you be satisfied with a
relationship with no intimacy, and for how long will that last?
If
the couple is honest, most of the time, they realize that it is not fair to
deprive either of them of the closeness of true intimacy. But sometimes they
decide that cuddling and a great friendship is enough, especially until the
children are old enough to understand the letting go.
However,
if I detect a bit of undisclosed information from the man or woman and get either
to admit that she/he has been having sex outside the marriage, I’m definitely
going to suggest separation. I do this for a few reasons. I have had a client
go away for business and come back with HIV. He would have exposed his entire
family to it, had he not come clean with his wife. This goes with any other
form of sexually transmitted disease. How fair is it to expose a loving partner
to this?
This
guy even went through treatment to get rid of his gay feelings (against my
leading) and finally ended up divorcing, not by his choice. He wanted to be
with his children. But he wasn’t willing to sacrifice sex and intimacy to do
that. And he was dishonest with his partner, which is ultimately defacing the relationship.
3. Cathy and her partner Sabrina had been together for twenty
years. They sleep in the same bed, do everything together, but haven’t had any
kind of intimate behavior in ten years. They have no children together. They
have pets and a home together. But they also don’t seem to have a lot of
closeness. Cathy came to me in despair. She felt abandoned by her partner. They
both came in for a couple’s session. Sabrina didn’t feel as if anything was
wrong. She wanted to continue in their nonsexual relationship. Cathy, however,
wanted to rekindle the past sense of loving touch and kissing. Sabrina wanted
to have no part in it. The sexual part of her life, she said, was over. That
was fine with Sabrina.
For
Cathy, ten years younger, she was just beginning to feel comfortable as a
lesbian and wanted to experience true intimacy and love. How can you deny that
to any soul? I asked her to weigh all that she had with Sabrina and see if it
was worth leaving to find true love. Ultimately, she left. I didn’t help her
make that choice, however, I did support the decision.
4. Carl and Mary had been together only two years. Whenever
they met it was love at first sight. They rushed through the initial stages of
getting to know one another and ended up marrying after only three months. When
they moved in together, Carl showed signs of narcissism and avoidant behavior.
(If you are unfamiliar with these qualities, go to the main index of my blog
and do a search.) He became verbally abusive, angry and avoidant where sex was
concerned. This happened in a period of six months and seemed to be getting
worse. They went to counseling (to a family therapist) and nothing seemed to be
getting better. That’s where I came in.
Mary
came to me, first, because she was the one who was unhappy. Carl seemed to be
thriving in a place where he moved his wife to a different city, away from her
family and friends and her own business, only to leave her abandoned
emotionally and physically just to satisfy his own need to have a beautiful
wife all to himself. He wanted to have children. Mary denied him of that until
things became right in their relationship.
Normally,
I would say that narcissism is incurable, but apparently he was willing take a
good hard look at his behavior. He was advised by a therapist to take time away
from the relationship and see if he really wanted it. If he did want to pursue
the relationship, his therapist told him, Carl was going to have to make some
behavior changes. Carl took three months off from his relationship and returned
a different person. He has been nice, he listens, and he seems to be on his
best behavior. But it has only been three months of living together.
I
have told Mary that she needs to wait at least a year before trusting him not
to return to the old behavior. Anyone can stay on his/her best behavior for a
short time to get what he or she wants. It’s the long term that you have to be
interested in. If he shows signs of being disappointed in the waiting for
children and gets angry, it is a sure sign that his narcissism has gone nowhere
but behind a big internal partition, waiting to come out like a lion when he
doesn’t get his true desire. Trust me, it will be worth the wait for Mary.
As you can see, there are many
reasons to leave an established relationship. But the most important reason to
stay is true intimacy and a loving bond that can’t be broken by any
indifference and challenge in the life of the couple. When I see this kind of
secure relationship, I marvel at the stick-to-itiveness
and true bond that glues a relationship together for the long haul. If you have
security, no amount of lust and desire for outside companionship is worth
sacrificing this kind of true love.
There is also some great advice
in my book: “Your Gay Friend’s Guide to Understanding Relationship” found at http://www.amazon.com/Your-Gay-Friends-Guide-Understanding/dp/0984125876/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369753381&sr=8-1&keywords=your+gay+friend%27s+guide
* * *
Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach,
available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band
Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334
or www.bosebastian.com.
|
I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help.
Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you
each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to
the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of
Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an
offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood
Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.
And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you
read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to
your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of
my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name
in the search header.
|
No comments:
Post a Comment