REALLY, GOD, I'M WILLING TO LEARN THIS LESSON! #relationship #dating #relationshipadvice

REALLY, GOD, I'M WILLING TO LEARN THIS LESSON!
#relationship #dating #relationshipadvice

The past few days, a river of tears have flowed through me—a delayed vessel, waiting for take-off orders. My plane will ascend to my next stop when it’s filled with fuel, emptied of the last flight’s luggage, and properly cleaned from the mess that the recent passengers have left. I feel somewhat comfortable with that concept, though, my human self gets antsy waiting for my new journey. This is interesting, because I have little idea of what I’ll be doing when I get to Florida.

I have been dreaming about things I want to do, but have made no solid plan; which is completely unlike me. I am the person for 20 years who would take 2 weeks off every January to make a prospectus for the next year. This is probably why I have written 13 books, recorded 6 healing CDs and video taped and edited one Yoga DVD. I’m tired of the planning and getting only so far. I want to let the wind take me now.

My new destination hold the first time in my life I haven’t had a list of goals waiting to be accomplished. I want this phase to be like a sailboat afloat in the sea, undulating with the waves and carried by the wind.

A client was in my office today. We talked about our similar experience. She, too, is leaving Nashville, to be with family and to get married and have children with her soul mate. My story lacks the latter part, but I can imagine that, too, (the married part) may happen sometime soon. If you are a friend of mine, you know I have a history of dating once and ending up in relationship. I’m just that kind of guy—a serial monogamist, I’ve been told. I like someone and stay focused on that one person until I see if he’s the one.

I was surprised when the last guy I felt like I was sort of dating, (texting 3-4 times a day and Facetiming almost every night for at least 30 minutes—that to me is dating), told me that he wanted to go out on a date with someone else. He asked me if that was okay. I told him it made my stomach sick to think he would be kissing someone else. I was being completely honest and transparent. But, he made the valid point that neither of us were in a place of commitment, yet, so dating other people should be okay.

I have talked to many people about this since my conversation with my dating friend, and people are divided on the subject. Some say that when you find someone you like, you have to give him your complete attention; otherwise, you may miss out on the very thing you have been looking for—commitment. Then, the opposing view is that: by dating a few people at a time, you have the opportunity to see who suits you best.

Really? Are people icon or clothes? Can we really date a few people, try them on, and see who fits best out of the few? What if that person turns out to be a jerk once you commit to him. (This has happened to me before.) Of course, my recent ex turned out to be a jerk after a year of complete commitment and no fights. So, who knows, at this point. I’m willing to learn. “REALLY, GOD, I’M WILLING TO LEARN THIS LESSON.”

For me, when I find security and truth and authenticity in a man, and there is an organic attraction there, I want to find out if the relationship can manifest into something special. Granted, I don’t just fall for people who don’t have the proper prerequisites for relationship. I make sure a person is single, available, relationship-oriented, and gay, before I make this choice. But, as a client once told me who had read the book: Attached. by Amir Levine, I am definitely falling in line with anxious attachment behavior.

I would agree in some part. But, I am also in line with secure behavior, too. The part of me that wants to share my life with someone and is completely transparent is the secure person. The man who is consumed with the idea that somehow a relationship will sweep me away, even when signs tell me otherwise, is the anxious one. So, maybe I could do with a little more conventional dating, and a little less committing.

Does anyone have anything to offer to this conversation from real experience? Have any of you focused on one person and ended up in a successful, long-term relationship? Or what has dating a few people brought you? Is either a choice, or is one a better and a conclusive way to find the person of your dreams? I’m open to suggestions. Write a comment and I’ll follow up when I read them.

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I am moving to Southern Florida to begin a new small imprint publishing company called: Finding Authentic You Publishing: findingauthenticyoupublishing.com. I am accepting submissions now for my January 2015 bookshelf. If you or any friends are interested, please go to the website and read the submission guidelines. Thanks.

Finding Authentic You is my brand and is also a self-help guide, which I wrote, with 365 Discoveries, meant to aid you in facilitating some of life’s most difficult challenges, like sleep. But, the discoveries also lead you to what you believe spiritually, understanding your goals, learning to believe in your self, discovering the most distinct you, unlocking all of your negative thinking, and helping you replace it with positive, creative thought using many different modalities, including hypnosis, prayer, and psychology. Once you know yourself, then relationship with Spirit and people is a fairly easy task.

For much more information about finding out about the psychology of the human mind and being your authentic self, self-love, and self-esteem, check out my new book below. “Finding Authentic You” will answer many of the questions I propose above. The book also has many discoveries about health, both mental and physical, as well as spiritual discoveries to lead you to your highest and best! Thanks for being a part of my tribe and helping get this book and all of my media below into the right hands, helping the right hearts.

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I'm Not In Love

I’m Not in Love

A very large majority of what looks to be like love relationships is simply codependency. One person fulfills another’s needs, sexually, intimately, mentally, financially, or simply is a surrogate for all the love that he/she didn’t get from a parent or someone important in the past.

Over the last few years, I have taken a long, hard look at intimate love and realized that what appeared to be love in my past was really someone fulfilling a deep-seated need in me. When the need could no longer be met, the relationship dissipated. This happens so often in relationship that it became a pattern I had to admit to contributing to.

Let’s define secure relationship. Two people (not one person) wants the same things in a relationship. Each of these people are secure enough in himself that he can love freely, unbridled and securely. This doesn’t happen because one person is in need of something in the other individual. This secure relationship actually is a rational decision to love someone who is right for you. How many times in your life have you looked at love like with rational? Most times it is completely chemistry. Trust me, chemistry definitely means you are operating on autopilot and the triggers in your brain are defining your relationships.

Will you find true love like that?

We mostly don’t, which is why we end up in caustic relationships that need mending constantly. Solid relationships are based on mutual respect and complete honesty. If you can’t be totally transparent with the person you are with, you are with the wrong person. Love doesn’t disguise itself as hard to get. Love is gentle and cohesive. True love finds itself growing like a healthy plant, with lots of water and plenty of light. You don’t want moon flowers that only bloom when the lights go out. You want the kind of relationship that lasts through the night and well into the day.

I’m sorry if you have found yourself head over heels in love with someone who isn’t reciprocating. But you can release yourself from the bondage of that relationship by separating yourself completely until the feelings are gone and you can see clearly again.

Being an observer of your own behavior takes time and persistence. Not many people can do it. It is somewhat a spiritual practice, because it takes separating yourself from the humanity in you that causes your deficiencies.

I’ll give you an example. A married man becomes infatuated with an unmarried male. Every thing about this unmarried gay male exemplifies what the married man had wished he would have pursued as a young man.

Instead, uncourageously he decided to dismiss his homosexual feelings and get married to his high school sweetheart. Now, all he can see in this single male is what he could have been had he be strong enough to face his feelings as a younger man. Now he is trapped in a marriage with three children and loves them deeply and even loves his wife, but can’t get the gay male out of his head.

The lovemaking between them if powerful—like a drug. He goes back for more and more. He traps the single man into believing the married man is in love with him. But the truth is, the married man is in love with who the single man is. In the human mind, we can’t separate the two truths. But in the frontal cortex of the brain, where we can become observers of the two separate paradigms (spiritual and human), we can see that this is not true love. It is hurting both parties. True, secure love hurts no one in the process.

To break the tie, they must break up and never speak again. I don’t care how hard it is, they will always be a crutch to each other and suspend true, secure love from ever being attained by either.

If the married man discovers his problem, he can recommit to his wife and children. If he’s smart, he will be honest and share his deepest secrets with his spouse, so they can bond in a more intimate way.

If the single male is smart, he will never use this married man to be a surrogate for the father he never had or the father who was abusive and mean.

Both can end up in healthy relationships if they use the lessons they learned from an unhealthy relationship to help them see what they need in a solid relationship.

If you can put yourself in either of these scenarios, you are in the wrong relationship. You are not in love. You are in a surrogate relationship that provides enough glue to keep you together by a strong bond of interdependency. Remember: Our search is for secure love attachment, not avoidance and not anxious behavior.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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