JIBO - A Personal Robot #jibo #personalrobot #relationshipAdvice #anxiousattachment #avoidantattachment

A brand new robot, which you place in different parts of your house, to monitor you and your needs, just came onto the scene. You can say, as you arrive at your home, “Hi, Jibo, I’m hungry. Will you order some take-out for me?” Jibo replies, “Sure. Chinese, as usual.” And the menu flashes up on the screen. You can put Jibo by a child’s bed to watch her while she’s sleeping. You can put her in the kitchen with you, while you cook, read it your schedule, and give it reminders. Jibo is similar to Siri, but stays on all the time and has this ominous eye that moves from left to right, tracking if anything is going on around it. I don’t know whether to be frightened or intrigued, now that I think of it. What is the world coming to? Will we be developing personal relationships with these computers and giving them names? It actually looks that way.

Check it out! What would you rather do: come into your home, kiss your partner and ask what we should do for dinner OR command an object to do exactly as you ask, with no questions asked? I’m going to choose the computer. People are way too emotional and indecisive. I’ll keep my intimacy for humans and give my daily chores to a robot. Maybe we’ll all have better intimate relationships as a result.

This computer reminds me of an episode of “The Big Bang Theory.” The dorky character, Howard, builds a robot with hands to go into space. He, then, decides to try it for a personal, intimate task. It gets stuck on his junk, and his friends have to take him to the Emergency Room.  There, the attending nurse announces over the loud speaker, “Attention, all doctors! A robot is stuck to a man’s penis!” I’m laughing just thinking about it. What humans won’t do to circumvent dealing with relationship.

Relationship involve transparency, so creating one in our lives takes making room in our hearts and lives and requires emotional connection. How many people do you know—who are single—actually have that kind of time? I had been speaking to a guy I met on-line for about two months, who appeared, at first, to be looking for relationship. We actually met on a dating site specifically dedicated for relationship-oriented people call: OkCupid. We had gotten along really well for the first month. In fact, he and I had moved to Facetime every evening, before bed. Our conversations would last about 30 minutes a day, which is longer than most couples communicate face to face. So, as you can imagine, the relationship evolved into a deeper place, which is unusual, having never met the man in person.

Both of us, maybe not at the same time, came to the realization that having a relationship in two different cities wasn’t a good idea. Though, I enjoyed the expected, nightly companionship, much like having a computer talk to you, two dimensions wasn’t enough. So, we went back to texting and talking about every three days over the phone, as a healthier way to relate before actually meeting when I move to Florida.

What I realized, after this man wasn’t making his best effort anymore, was that he really didn’t have any time for a relationship in his life. He was tied to his job in an unhealthy way. One phone call a day was about all he had to offer in his life—that, and maybe the occasional weekend day to have a little down time. For me, that is not enough for a relationship. I need more connection. Most people don’t. In fact, I would probably fall into the Anxious Attachment category, because my heart needs a commitment from another person to establish any kind of intimacy. One who would need very little time for personal relationship and much more time for work, would fall into the category of Avoidant Attachment.

A therapist friend of mine and I were just talking about this on Skype this morning. He lives in Thailand now, because living in the U.S. was becoming too expensive for a man on disability. Both of us agreed that we have been far too demanding about how sexuality and relationship connect in today’s world. Most people we have dated simply feel that sex is just another step toward love. Where as, both of us had believed for quite some time that by the time a relationship reached sexual intimacy, a commitment should be in place. This, we also agreed, we had been demanding from our partners to protect our hearts. My friend has the great chance to see sex, now, the way other countries view sex, with a lot less condemnation and acceptance. So, having a casual sexual relationship may be a possibility, if we could separate our hearts from the sexual experience.

I’m still not sure how it will work out with me. Perhaps, I just need a robot!

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Attachment: Phase One—Childhood

Attachment: Phase One—Childhood

In our day-to-day usage of the word “attachment,” we tend to think of our adult self and how we attach to our current friends, family, and love interests. But the theory took off when psychologists developed “The Strange Situation” experiment. This experiment observed a mother and a 1-year-old baby, and the baby's reaction to the stress caused by his/her parent leaving her/him alone in a room with a stranger. So, basically, we have been programmed to exhibit our attachment behavior since birth. We know, if we are not protected, we will die. That part of our brain is already up and running at the age of one.

“The Strange Situation” observed 12-month old children while under four different stress situations. First, to get a good idea of how a child reacted when s/he felt safe, the children were all observed in their homes with their mothers. Then the next experiment was to see how they reacted under the stress of the mother leaving the room. This kind of behavior is now exhibited as adults in how we act out in stressful relationship situations such as someone breaking up with us, someone not being connected, and someone not liking us. It is then that we watch what we learned as a child: proximity seeking, abandoning by withdrawing, anxiety when someone doesn’t call back in a certain time.

In the experiment psychiatrists observed the 4 types of Attachment Behavior:

1.) secure,

2.) anxious,

3.) avoidant, and lastly

4.) disorganized.

Secure attachment knows that you are taken care of, bodily and mentally.

Anxious children have learned they have to be vigilant to catch their attachment object (the relationships), or try and control their attachment object to get them to exhibit close and abiding behavior, so they will not feel anxiety. (This behavior is unconscious, so there is no fit in to society aspect. That would imply that it has a conscious component.) 

Avoidants have given up on getting the other to attach. They are still tremendously affected by the mother leaving the room. They have learned that it does no good to show their feelings. Their emotions may actually invite an attack.

And Disorganized Attachment flip flop all around, because they are attached to the one who abuses them. This means that they have simultaneous unconscious urges. They need to get close to their protector, while knowing that their protector will abuse them; that's crazy making.

How do you integrate any of this—especially disorganized—if you are 12 months old? This is the point of the experiment. An infant cannot. We don’t even have the emotional hardware to solve this issue or deal with it until we are seven years old. So, as adults, we keep trying to work it out in relationships. If we don't know what we are doing, and we are unconscious. We are literally doomed to have the same relationship over and over and over. To put the icing on the cake, if an avoidant, an anxious, or a disorganized attached person gets into a good relationship, they will try to make it more comfortable by unconsciously making it like the past. We effectively burn the house down while we are in it, metaphorically. We can't stop it.

As a more advanced observer of self-behavior, sometimes we might even see our behavior from the place of an observer and wonder what the hell we are doing. Although we might believe we are on the path to change, we still are powerless to stop what we are doing in some situations and with certain triggers. This is because of the anxiety, the very real, very ingrained anxiety that we will die, like the one-year old child, who doesn’t know the difference between being left alone for ten minutes and being left for another person.

This is a very short over view. It is about 10%-20% of Attachment Theory. It is the biggest part of the foundation of Attachment Theory though.

This study, however, may lead you to answering questions in relationships, such as a dismissive attitude by your partner.  He shares with you that “all relationships are painful.”  When attachment theory would say that “he was being stressed by you mentioning the way you felt.” His response was to dismiss and explain away instead of meeting you and your feelings head on.

If you are reading the book: ATTACHED. by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, Check out pages 65-67, 86-91, 142-149, 212, and 221-222 for more information.

These are some pages that are pertinent to this blog. One thing that is really prominent in securely attached behavior is they will say “I Love You,” first if they do, in fact, love somebody. That is under the “nongame-playing part.” They know that even if the other doesn't love them, they are just saying their truth.

If the other doesn't reply with “I love you” too, they know they will be okay. They know that when they love, they don't give too much of themselves or restrict how much they give. So, it’s okay to not be loved back. They will eventually heal and love someone else.

This, of course, is just a couple examples of how attached behavior from childhood is reflected in our daily lives.

Hypnosis and learning self-hypnosis to become an observer of the self is a great way to help this process. Also, psychotherapy combined with hypnosis is also a great way to unhook from this behavior.

I feel so lucky and honored to have one of the city’s best Licensed Family and Marriage Therapists using Attachment Theory in his practice as one of my closest friends, Keith Allen, LMFT (615-943-1911). Keith basically wrote this with a little input from me. So, thank you, Keith for sharing your knowledge with us.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.  And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

I'm Not In Love

I’m Not in Love

A very large majority of what looks to be like love relationships is simply codependency. One person fulfills another’s needs, sexually, intimately, mentally, financially, or simply is a surrogate for all the love that he/she didn’t get from a parent or someone important in the past.

Over the last few years, I have taken a long, hard look at intimate love and realized that what appeared to be love in my past was really someone fulfilling a deep-seated need in me. When the need could no longer be met, the relationship dissipated. This happens so often in relationship that it became a pattern I had to admit to contributing to.

Let’s define secure relationship. Two people (not one person) wants the same things in a relationship. Each of these people are secure enough in himself that he can love freely, unbridled and securely. This doesn’t happen because one person is in need of something in the other individual. This secure relationship actually is a rational decision to love someone who is right for you. How many times in your life have you looked at love like with rational? Most times it is completely chemistry. Trust me, chemistry definitely means you are operating on autopilot and the triggers in your brain are defining your relationships.

Will you find true love like that?

We mostly don’t, which is why we end up in caustic relationships that need mending constantly. Solid relationships are based on mutual respect and complete honesty. If you can’t be totally transparent with the person you are with, you are with the wrong person. Love doesn’t disguise itself as hard to get. Love is gentle and cohesive. True love finds itself growing like a healthy plant, with lots of water and plenty of light. You don’t want moon flowers that only bloom when the lights go out. You want the kind of relationship that lasts through the night and well into the day.

I’m sorry if you have found yourself head over heels in love with someone who isn’t reciprocating. But you can release yourself from the bondage of that relationship by separating yourself completely until the feelings are gone and you can see clearly again.

Being an observer of your own behavior takes time and persistence. Not many people can do it. It is somewhat a spiritual practice, because it takes separating yourself from the humanity in you that causes your deficiencies.

I’ll give you an example. A married man becomes infatuated with an unmarried male. Every thing about this unmarried gay male exemplifies what the married man had wished he would have pursued as a young man.

Instead, uncourageously he decided to dismiss his homosexual feelings and get married to his high school sweetheart. Now, all he can see in this single male is what he could have been had he be strong enough to face his feelings as a younger man. Now he is trapped in a marriage with three children and loves them deeply and even loves his wife, but can’t get the gay male out of his head.

The lovemaking between them if powerful—like a drug. He goes back for more and more. He traps the single man into believing the married man is in love with him. But the truth is, the married man is in love with who the single man is. In the human mind, we can’t separate the two truths. But in the frontal cortex of the brain, where we can become observers of the two separate paradigms (spiritual and human), we can see that this is not true love. It is hurting both parties. True, secure love hurts no one in the process.

To break the tie, they must break up and never speak again. I don’t care how hard it is, they will always be a crutch to each other and suspend true, secure love from ever being attained by either.

If the married man discovers his problem, he can recommit to his wife and children. If he’s smart, he will be honest and share his deepest secrets with his spouse, so they can bond in a more intimate way.

If the single male is smart, he will never use this married man to be a surrogate for the father he never had or the father who was abusive and mean.

Both can end up in healthy relationships if they use the lessons they learned from an unhealthy relationship to help them see what they need in a solid relationship.

If you can put yourself in either of these scenarios, you are in the wrong relationship. You are not in love. You are in a surrogate relationship that provides enough glue to keep you together by a strong bond of interdependency. Remember: Our search is for secure love attachment, not avoidance and not anxious behavior.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.  And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.