Feeling Less than Enough

Anxiety in the form of Anxious Attachment often leads to feelings that we are not enough for someone, not qualified for a job, or even righteous enough to attain a beautiful, loving relationship. The struggle in life to attach to anything that poses as a threat to our own self-esteem is usually the catalyst for Anxious Attachment. This presents as the feeling of being not enough; trying to please someone else, before you tend to your own needs; and a basic fear of abandonment in almost every loving situation.

I learned this lesson in my own life as I once fell head over heals in love with a friend. In every way the friendship was powerful spiritually, mentally, and may have been the best friend I had ever had. However, somewhere in the relating, my mind decided that I needed this man—this friend—to desire me to be his mate. As a result, 50% of my time with this person began to transform into displaying my pretty feathers like a peacock would before he mates. When I wasn’t with him, my mind raced even more, looking for ways to change this man’s desire to be with me in an intimate relationship.

What caught me so off guard in the process was that I lost energy in every part of my life as I left my authentic self to pursue something that was never mine to attain. When I reached down deep into my soul, after many nights of struggle, I asked three important questions:

1. What is happening here?
2. What am I doing to stop the lesson Spirit has for me?
3. What gift do I bring to this situation?

The first question is the most important, because no one can hide from his/her own misplaced intentions. Even if you start with an old story that doesn’t become you—even if you know that you don’t want to act this way anymore—you still must face the current situation with complete honesty.

Then, you are ready to answer the second question. I realized that what I was doing to stop my growth was to waste energy on something that I didn’t even want. Everything inside of me knew that a relationship with that friend would be a disaster. We were so much alike that the combination of both of our sensitivity took up the majority of our time relating.

The third question was the easiest to answer. As I learn my authentic lessons in life, I am able to heal old patterns in myself. I am able to relate to others with completely authenticity. And I consistently regain power that I have lost trying to live out my “Old Story” of Anxious Attachment.

As a result of this lesson, my friendship with this man became more powerful than ever. And, most importantly, I took that energy and gave it to a loving, intimate relationship that fulfills me in so many wonderful ways. Also, as a result, I took the power I wasted and placed in parts of my life that needed developing.

A Cookbook, a Novel, a Self-Help Book, a Yoga DVD! All great gifts from your friend—Bo Sebastian. Simply go to this link at www.Amazon.com or type in my name. Find great gifts for your family members and friends and support another friend in the process! Thank you and happy Holidays! --Bo

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Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

Do I Have to Be Alone? #relationship #relationshipadvice #attachmenttheory #Andsoitgoes

Yesterday, I was moved to tears several times at a movie, And So It Goes, directed by Rob Reiner—not just a couple tears, I gushed. The movie highlighted the life of a ten-year-old girl played by the talented Sterling Jerins, left by her father at her grandfather’s doorstep before the father had to go to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. This sudden move would change the perfect last steps of retirement for the grandfather, Michael Douglas. While trying to find a way to wriggle out of his temporary situation, he pawned his granddaughter off on his compassionate and grief-stricken, widow neighbor, Diane Keaton. The young girl is frightened, feels abandoned, and probably is angry at her addict mother, who she never knew and a situation she couldn’t control. But, through it all, her innocence at trying to find a secure attachment in this broken scenario is what fractured my heart more than once. At one point, the young girl says to the neighbor, just after she had been tucked into bed, “Do I Have to be Alone?”

How many times in our own lives have we felt alone and abandoned by life or by God? I know I’m not by myself here, because the entire theater was in tears. Clearly, the feeling is probably within pandemic proportions. Why is it that our hearts need attachment and security? Have you ever thought about it?

Many psychologists and therapists have looked at this phenomenon in the human psyche for many years, coming up with the latest craze in Pop-Psychology, Attachment Theory. I know I refer a great deal to this theory, but today, I want to focus in on one specific aspect: Our Human Need for Secure Attachment and what lengths we’ll sometimes go to get it.

In the most logical sense, our brains are immediately wired to be cared for when we come into this world, helpless and crying as a baby. An infant left unattended will simply die. She needs secure attention. However, what the infant often gets is a form of attachment, but not secure attachment. The child may get some of his/her needs met by a mother with Postpartum Depression, or a busy caretaker at a hospital, because of a premature birth, or because of an adoption procedure gone back, may miss the important first attachment process to his/her mother’s nurturing paps.

So many issues can happen at the very beginning stages of life that cause the child to feel abandoned. Interestingly, the infant, having very little capacity to make sense of the problem, begins to adapt to the situation. In the deepest part of the child’s subconscious, he or she learns to distrust relationship. These are usually the basic building blocks of anxious or avoidant attachment.

But, you may be saying, I had a loving parent. Why do I feel so alone? The answer to this question is that attachment issues can happen with trauma in life, as well. You can have a horribly abusive parent, first marriage, go through child molestation, or be tossed back and forth from divorced parents, feeling as if you are a tool in a relationship gone bad. All of these situations can cause a person to develop insecure attachment issues at a later time in life.

How do we rectify this primal need to be secure and attached? The answer is a solemn, “We can’t completely change it. The wiring may always exist.” This would be like trying to change the mainframe of a computer that needs certain wiring to run properly. However, we can add programs to this computer to help our situational adversity. We can do this with hypnotherapy, traditional therapy, and actual Attachment therapy, which usually uses a method of retraining the mind called, Parts Therapy.

In all of theses cases, we have triggers in the human mind that are toggled in certain situations that cause our behavior to change. A therapist tries with these individual therapies to find what the trigger is; define a new, positive trigger; and then the client must consistently watch the signs of the old behavior and use the new, positive affirmations to intercept the old negative pattern.

Trust me, this kind of therapy can be tedious and lead to a life-long search for answers in the chaos of our human mind. But, all the time and effort is worth it, when you finally awake, one day, and realize that you are perfectly okay and even happy being alone. Usually, this is when the universe decides: Ah, you learned your life’s hard lesson. Now, you don’t have to be alone anymore. Let’s find you a secure mate!

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If you enjoyed what you read, please LIKE my blog or email it to a friend, so that we can spread the good news of “Finding Authentic You!”

[Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books helps people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE. Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle: ]

This book, up for screenplay development, exemplifies this blog in a fictional story that is sure to delight your heart. A retired man decides to take back his life before it's too late. A southern, literary, with lilting and bigger-than-life characters will take you to your own life's lessons of living in the NOW.

Buy the Book! (Free this week for Kindle Direct Customers)

Prenatal Attachments Study Prove a Child’s Development with Mother Before Birth

Prenatal Attachments Study Prove a Child’s Development with Mother Before Birth

A recent study in Sweden demonstrated that maternal prenatal attachment during the third trimester of pregnancy is associated with the postnatal maternal involvement and can serve as an important diagnostic aid in identifying those women for whom the mother-child interaction is likely to be suboptimal.

Attachment theory is one of my favorite topics these days. I relate most of psychological issues with depression, anxiety and PTSD with what happened as a child. As a result of this kind of study, I have limited the amount of confusing reactions in my own life to a few. Even those few, with insistent self-inquiry, I generally find an honest understanding of why and how I react to certain external behaviors.

Just recently, I had one of my favorite friends write an email that caught me off guard. I felt judged and demeaned by her. I know for certain, after talking with her, that what she wrote was rather innocuous and was just an honest reply to an email I sent her.

However, after much self-inquiry about why I had reacted poorly to the email, I realized that much of my feelings weren’t about my friend at all. My reaction was an attachment wound that happened frequently over the years with friends, poorly written emails, and misunderstandings. When I faced my reaction with compassion, I realized that I probably have been reacting to other people, friends, coworkers, partners, and family with the same kind of PTSD/Attachment wound and reciprocal behavior.

If you have twenty people in your life treat you with the same anxious and paranoid response, you may become anxious yourself, expecting that others may react to you in the same way. The unfortunate problem with attachment wounds is that you may have 2000 people act fairly and appropriately, but the only actions that truly registers in the subconscious are the negative ones. This is the unfair premise of the attachment wound process. When we hurt, it registers in our brain in a different way than when we experience joy. Pain puts a mark in the subconscious and seems to build its own neural pathway, only to be fortified by other negative reactions of pain.

So, how does one deal with the problems he/she faces as a result of something that occurred in the past or something that happened even before you were cognizant enough to have a choice? The action is rather simple in nature, but hard to achieve if you are not self-aware and seeking peace of mind and a connection to your own ego self.

We often identify the ego self as something we want to avoid or diminish to become spiritual. But currently, your ego is the human definition of your spirit dwelling in this human condition. You need to understand the ego to make pertinent change in your behavior.

At birth, you were like a computer with no information on it, but had hardware and the most recent update of the computer’s system software. When you arrived on earth—or perhaps, as the example at the beginning suggest, even in the prenatal state—you began to store data on your hard drive. You truly didn’t get the opportunity to begin typing in your own data until you were old enough to understand decision-making.

As a result, much of the initial information stored in your hard drive either has to be erased or changed to update to your current understanding of yourself.

The hardest issue is finding this information. You didn’t input the information, so, most of the time, you have no idea where it had been stored on your hard drive or subconscious, to complete the metaphor. You have to wait until a situation or circumstance comes up in your life to show where this information resides.

Once you find the problem or diagnose the misfire, it’s even harder to figure out how that old wiring worked, as now your system software has changed significantly as an adult. This is where life coaching and hypnotherapy and meditation come in. To understand yourself and to find those neural connectors, you have to get quiet and observant.

If you can’t find the way to that part of your mind, then you can never make effective change in your outer circumstances. I’m not trying to pander you for hypnosis sessions. I want you to understand that there are few ways of undoing attachment problems. Even a therapist who believes in this premise will take you into trancelike places, similar to hypnosis, to help you begin to understand the workings of your own brain. In my estimation, the work is not only similar to hypnosis, it is based on clinical hypnosis practices. So, a trained hypnotherapist is much more likely to be able to take a diagnosis from a therapist or psychologist, such as PTSD and anxiety from attachment disorder, and help you make effective change more quickly using hypnosis, NLP, EFT, and EMDR.

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Go to Week 3 of the “Year to CLEAR Challenge” at www.Bosebastian.com

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Look for MY LATEST BOOK:  “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!

Below is information that I will be sharing for about a month, as not every person on my list reads the blog every day. If you have already read it, just skip over it. Thanks for understanding.

A Year to CLEAR Challenge:

(Please Know: You Can Join Us At Any Point in the Year Challenge.)

The masses search outward for things that qualify them as a person, but I always go inward for that which quantifies me for greatness. At twenty-five I preached on street corners in NYC as an in-the-closet Pentecostal minister. One day I heard a still small voice say, ‘God cannot be contained in a book or a law or even in a religion. Dig deeper, reach further to find me, and you will find your authentic Self.’”

A Year to CLEAR Challenge!

The acronym CLEAR stands for (Compassionate, Loving, Enthusiastic, And Relationship-Ready). The goal of this project is to engulf readers in a weekly study that will transform them by removing blocks, promote self-growth, and give them wings to fly freely into daily life. Each week, by going to BoSebastian.com and choosing the Year to CLEAR Challenge tab, a new challenge or thought to provoke conversation, growth, and group functionality.

My vision is to make Finding Authentic You the book to have in your Kindle or on your computer. The book is a comprehensive look at growth—spiritually, mentally, and physically.

As a yoga teacher and student of the Ayurvedic tradition, I bring to the table understanding of physical challenges, the ability to overcome mental problems with Life & Health Coaching, as well as hypnotherapy, and expertise in meditation and spirituality as a minister.

The combination of all three in one book with an interactive connection to like-minded readers, for one year, is what makes this Year to CLEAR Challenge a must-do for every spiritual seeker.

The One-Year Approach to Change

No one believes he or she can change overnight. But success in change comes from the metaphors of nature. Seasonally, life changes all around us in nature. Finding Authentic You offers a gradual change perspective, looking at the triune aspects of change as in yoga: Body, Mind and Spirit.

Accessing the ability to change and finding yourself actually pursuing change must be a daily search, which I call getting to the “observer mind.”

In this frontal cortex of the brain we find the anatomy of change and the power to counter every negative trigger of the human process. The workings of Hypnosis, NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) are all positive actions to help the mind and body flow to a positive space for change.

Every aspect of FINDING AUTHENTIC YOU fulfills this constant need for diffusing the negative past and dreaming of a fulfilling future.

Step 1: Recognize That Change is Inevitable

Step 2: Release from Resistance to Change

Step 3: Understanding Change and Allow Spirit to Define It

Step 4: A History Lesson—About You

Step 5: Look at Your Past with Compassion

Step 6: Making a Strong Commitment to Change

Step 7: Dream Your Fabulous Future

Go to www.bosebastian.com for Week One Challenge:

TOOLS FOR CHANGE:

Go to Storefront to buy any of the following or make a donation to Finding Authentic You: www.shop.bosebastian.com

·       My Latest Book: Finding Authentic You—7 Steps to Effective Change (800 page downloadable Kindle version)

·       Introduction to Meditation

·       Smoke Cessation mp3

·       Weight Loss mp3

·       Hypnotic Lap Band surgery Mp3

·       Insomnia mp3

·       Eternal Om mp3

·       Meditation Music mp3

·       Guide to Meditation mp3

·       Healing the Body mp3

·       And my “Lessons from the Heart” book ready for your download purchase.

Go to Home Page: www.BoSebastian.com

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day.  I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header. Also, look for MY LATEST BOOK:  “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!

Emancipate Your Mind

Emancipate Your Mind

Are you a slave to your mind? Do you hear a voice inside saying: “You’re not good enough! You’re not pretty enough! You’ll never be successful! You are innately a bad person!”

If you do, it’s time to emancipate your mind!

I woke up today feeling as if I had overcome the world. Why? Because I am not a slave to the antagonistic thoughts of my mind. Hallelujah!~

You’ve heard me speak of Attachment Disorder before. I described attachment as the image of a computer. In the computer is a hard drive, empty of information, until you or someone else inputs information and formats the drive.

The computer is your body. The hard drive is your mind. And the information that is on the hard drive, primarily, has input on it from the beginning of your human life until now. As you didn’t have the knowledge or the design to create input from birth to four or five years old, then most of the format and original input was placed there by parents, teachers, guardians and ministers.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t trust a thing that was originally on that hard drive. I’m attached to it by virtue of neural pathways that get triggered by life circumstances, but I am NOT prone to act on these temptations much any more, making me feel emancipated from slavery.

Ten years ago, a computer tech convinced me to change from an Apple computer to a PC. He told me he would help me with the changeover and lead me through all the problems I might face. At that time, Apple wasn’t as ahead of the pack as today, so I told him I’d try.

He took me to Office Depot, and we bought my first PC. He gave me some free software. Eventually, I was on my way to recreating my computer life. One day, though, I was on the Internet talking on AOL Messenger. As I was closing the window, a pop-up appeared and, without thinking, I pressed the return key. The window said something about making AOL my home page.

From that point on, AOL took over my hard drive. I couldn’t get rid of it. I took it to my tech friend. He wrestled with it for a day only to tell me, “I’m going to give your hard drive a washing.” In other words, he had to clear it of everything, including the data. When he returned my computer, I had to start at the beginning with all new software and date.

I have learned that the behavior of my mind is basically rehearsed by prior activity and the past—let’s call it AOL. What I desire in my life is for the hard drive to be completely washed clean, just like the PC.

When you realize that each neural pathway has an inception point, triggered by an act or an emotion. A behavior follows the trigger.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to get the computer washed clean. But you can, change how you react to the neural pathway triggers. This can be done in the inductive mind with meditation or hypnotherapy.

By doing so, you convince the deductive mind it has less power. Eventually, it will start to leave you alone, just like a bully would when you stand up to him.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.

Attachment: Phase One—Childhood

Attachment: Phase One—Childhood

In our day-to-day usage of the word “attachment,” we tend to think of our adult self and how we attach to our current friends, family, and love interests. But the theory took off when psychologists developed “The Strange Situation” experiment. This experiment observed a mother and a 1-year-old baby, and the baby's reaction to the stress caused by his/her parent leaving her/him alone in a room with a stranger. So, basically, we have been programmed to exhibit our attachment behavior since birth. We know, if we are not protected, we will die. That part of our brain is already up and running at the age of one.

“The Strange Situation” observed 12-month old children while under four different stress situations. First, to get a good idea of how a child reacted when s/he felt safe, the children were all observed in their homes with their mothers. Then the next experiment was to see how they reacted under the stress of the mother leaving the room. This kind of behavior is now exhibited as adults in how we act out in stressful relationship situations such as someone breaking up with us, someone not being connected, and someone not liking us. It is then that we watch what we learned as a child: proximity seeking, abandoning by withdrawing, anxiety when someone doesn’t call back in a certain time.

In the experiment psychiatrists observed the 4 types of Attachment Behavior:

1.) secure,

2.) anxious,

3.) avoidant, and lastly

4.) disorganized.

Secure attachment knows that you are taken care of, bodily and mentally.

Anxious children have learned they have to be vigilant to catch their attachment object (the relationships), or try and control their attachment object to get them to exhibit close and abiding behavior, so they will not feel anxiety. (This behavior is unconscious, so there is no fit in to society aspect. That would imply that it has a conscious component.) 

Avoidants have given up on getting the other to attach. They are still tremendously affected by the mother leaving the room. They have learned that it does no good to show their feelings. Their emotions may actually invite an attack.

And Disorganized Attachment flip flop all around, because they are attached to the one who abuses them. This means that they have simultaneous unconscious urges. They need to get close to their protector, while knowing that their protector will abuse them; that's crazy making.

How do you integrate any of this—especially disorganized—if you are 12 months old? This is the point of the experiment. An infant cannot. We don’t even have the emotional hardware to solve this issue or deal with it until we are seven years old. So, as adults, we keep trying to work it out in relationships. If we don't know what we are doing, and we are unconscious. We are literally doomed to have the same relationship over and over and over. To put the icing on the cake, if an avoidant, an anxious, or a disorganized attached person gets into a good relationship, they will try to make it more comfortable by unconsciously making it like the past. We effectively burn the house down while we are in it, metaphorically. We can't stop it.

As a more advanced observer of self-behavior, sometimes we might even see our behavior from the place of an observer and wonder what the hell we are doing. Although we might believe we are on the path to change, we still are powerless to stop what we are doing in some situations and with certain triggers. This is because of the anxiety, the very real, very ingrained anxiety that we will die, like the one-year old child, who doesn’t know the difference between being left alone for ten minutes and being left for another person.

This is a very short over view. It is about 10%-20% of Attachment Theory. It is the biggest part of the foundation of Attachment Theory though.

This study, however, may lead you to answering questions in relationships, such as a dismissive attitude by your partner.  He shares with you that “all relationships are painful.”  When attachment theory would say that “he was being stressed by you mentioning the way you felt.” His response was to dismiss and explain away instead of meeting you and your feelings head on.

If you are reading the book: ATTACHED. by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, Check out pages 65-67, 86-91, 142-149, 212, and 221-222 for more information.

These are some pages that are pertinent to this blog. One thing that is really prominent in securely attached behavior is they will say “I Love You,” first if they do, in fact, love somebody. That is under the “nongame-playing part.” They know that even if the other doesn't love them, they are just saying their truth.

If the other doesn't reply with “I love you” too, they know they will be okay. They know that when they love, they don't give too much of themselves or restrict how much they give. So, it’s okay to not be loved back. They will eventually heal and love someone else.

This, of course, is just a couple examples of how attached behavior from childhood is reflected in our daily lives.

Hypnosis and learning self-hypnosis to become an observer of the self is a great way to help this process. Also, psychotherapy combined with hypnosis is also a great way to unhook from this behavior.

I feel so lucky and honored to have one of the city’s best Licensed Family and Marriage Therapists using Attachment Theory in his practice as one of my closest friends, Keith Allen, LMFT (615-943-1911). Keith basically wrote this with a little input from me. So, thank you, Keith for sharing your knowledge with us.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. If you are looking to enter the RSS or Atom Feed, you have to go to the home page of the blog to get there. Also, I write this Blog as a part of Finding Authentic You Ministries. If you would like to send an offering or a tithe, your donation would greatly be appreciated: 5001 Maywood Drive, Nashville, TN 37211.  And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN at Bosebastian5@gmail.com; or find this blog home at www.FindingAuthenticYou.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Nobel, just by typing my name in the search header.