Dating No-no's
The Subtle-Avoidant Personality
The Subtle-Avoidant Personality
#relationshipadvice #relationship #attachmenttheory #thebreakup
Most single
people are looking for a secure relationship. We look for attributes such as
honesty, romantic behavior, capacity to love, authenticity, and kindness. When
we see these attributes in a person, we become attracted to “the dream” of
being swept away by love. However, one thing we never plan on is that all of
the above is an act one plays to create the perception of secure behavior! This
act is to get you interested and intrigued. Let’s call this the “personality
trap.” You engage with this person and sparks begin to fly. Then, suddenly, you
are in and he or she is out!
Yesterday, I
went out to lunch with a gentleman whom I had been talking to on the phone and
through emails for two weeks. I had only seen pictures. I have to say this man
was average looking, but his intentions seemed so right, that I decided to meet
him, even though I wasn’t all that attracted.
From the
moment we met until his fatal last text was inviting, gallant, and honoring. We
talked of everything from childhood to vacations and what intrigues us most
about life. We had much in common, which always make me feel accepted and
honored. He seemed transparent and, to tell you the truth, I was already going
out on my next date with him in my mind, before the lunch was over.
We decided to
take a walk after lunch and got caught in the rain. The moment was precious. When
he bid me adieu, he said he’d call to arrange for us to go to the theater later
that week. All of this seemed in order, for a first date. He appeared honest.
Wasn’t trying to impress. He listened when I talked. He answered with
forthright responses. He even went so far as to plan our next date. All of that
seems to be in the category of secure behavior.
The only
thing I didn’t account for in this kind of person is the “personality trap.” Is
this really the authentic person I expect to see at the end of six months of
relating? Do any clues exist that might help me decide if I have made a good
choice, before I get the text that says, “I’m so sorry, Bo, but an ex of mine
called the moment our date ended. We decided to get back together”?
I’m thinking,
really? Are you serious? Why did you even waste my time with all that gushing
and telling me how handsome I was? I have been running into more and more of
this kind of alluring, yet avoidantly attached behavior.
The profile
for Subtly Avoidant is: Get a person who is a little out of your league to like
you by being honest, loving, and honoring, then you get to pull the plug and
feel empowered! Dirty trick, right?
I wonder how
many women go through the same thing? I know that gay men have been telling me
for a couple of weeks now that gay dating culture doesn’t allow for many
secure, monogamous relationships. I would have to agree. If what you want is a
secure, two-person marriage, you better expect to wait a while for it—gay or
straight—because secure is hard to find.
For much more
information about finding secure attachment and about attachment theory, check
out my new book below. “Finding Authentic You” will answer many of the
questions I propose above. The book also has many discoveries about health,
both mental and physical, as well as spiritual discoveries to lead you to your
highest and best! Thanks for being a part of my tribe and helping me make this
book be a Bestseller.
Finding Authentic You: With 365 Daily Discoveries & 7 Steps to Effective Change
* Bo Sebastian is a
Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to
QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND,
CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or http://bosebastian.com/Home_Page.php Please feel
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