I'm Not that Girl!

I’m Not That Girl

“Every so often we long to steal, to the land of what might have been. But that doesn’t soften the ache we feel, when reality sets back in.”

This is a lyric of one of my favorite songs from the Broadway musical “Wicked.” It so aptly reveals the feeling we often get when we see a relationship that appears to be perfect in every way. The characters playing the parts are like those in a movie. It’s easy to look at your self and the stage we live in on in a day-to-day basis and say, “I’m just not that person! I’ll never be that perfect person.”

The truth is, not many of us have the capacity to be anything like what is characterized in fairytales.

I have had clients come in to my office who have been having affairs with married men or women. They watch from the distance as the wife and children get all the devotion and hold the keys to the future, while the lover gets the passion and keys to the very present now. I wonder which is more important and to whom it’s more important.

In the present most people would say that the future is more important, because passion wears off and commitment is what stays. But have you ever thought of the married person who is taking care of the kids and being devoted to the home and family and future, but not getting the passion and romance? Does she/he feel a devastating loss? How can we know unless we have lived in those shoes?

I have never been counseling two people in one relationship that have had this going on at the same time. I know from my own experience that the NOW seems to be the presiding spiritual factor that every guru and spiritual leader talks about these days.

If you aren’t happy now, what makes you think you will be happy ten years from now when the kids are grown up and you don’t even know what makes your spouse happy emotionally? When the kids grow up, will there be anything left to keep you together? I would have to say that the person having the affair is acting more out of responsibility for the commitment and children than being driven by the desires of his/her heart. Clearly, his/her passion lies in the affair, not the marriage.

Honestly, I am no judge or jury. I have heard the stories behind the affairs. Most of them are the results of people distancing themselves emotionally and physically so far away from their partners, that they don’t even know an affair is happening. And for that to happen, there may be a lot less inner conflict going on than you would imagine. Most people have completely justified their behavior by the time they have reached the counseling stage.

Yet, this kind of separation mentally and spiritually with partners goes on all the time. How do two people get so far apart when they live under the same roof and want the same things, or at least started out wanting the same things.

The truth is, many people are so good at hiding affairs, that their partners would be bowled over if he/she found out. Can you say that you know for absolute sure that your partner has never had an affair while you have been together? I was with a friend the other night who didn’t even know her husband’s sexual history. It would seem to me that is something you would want to discuss and embrace rather than hide. Who we are is an amalgam of many things. Our relationships, in my estimation, would make up the greatest facet of my belief system where commitment and situational relating would be concerned.

When I have been the recipient of someone having an affair on me, I knew almost the instant. Why? Because even in the worst times, I stayed connected to the person I was living with. And more importantly stayed connected to the instincts in my spirit telling me something was drastically wrong.

You may not be that girl or that boy who is the one we romanticize about being. But you are important enough to find a person who has the same ideals as you do about commitment and the future. These are things that need to be laid out on the table before you get deep into a relationship.

If you don’t want kids, bring that up in the beginning. Don’t leave a young woman wanting to be a mother not knowing that very important fact about you, because you are too selfish to lose her.

We suffer as a society because we don’t take time to make a blue print for our future. We want the fairytale so badly, that we are willing to cast characters that are not even remotely right for the part. Don’t be that person.

Make a plan and stick to it. If you wait and Prince Charming never comes, that is perfectly fine. Not every story ends with a marriage of the protagonist. Sometimes, the protagonist finds love and strength in other ways.

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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