No Sex in the City

No Sex in the City (Part I)

As I shared with you, I have taken to reaching out to the Internet for dating suggestions. I feel like sharing a couple of experiences would make it worth something. This is the first.

Watch Out for Speaking in Tongues Before a Burger

Profile

5’8”, 38, dark blonde, masculine, in shape

Bio

I’m just a simple country boy here studying for a Master’s Degree and down to earth. My ideal date would be a lot like my Dachshund… generates heat against my back in the winter, stares adoringly when fed, waits loyally by the door for me to get home, rolls over on command, loves a good bone, and gets on all fours and barks when asked, “Who’s your daddy?”

I have to admit, I laughed hard at the bio. I thought it was cute and seriously thought he was joking. Alas… not so much.

Dude asked me out on a date about three times in our first day of discourse. I just kept writing to him and pretended I didn’t notice, using protective, yet avoidant behavior. He was nice looking, and from what I could see from his three pictures, he had some character. However, there was something that scared the shit out of me about his persistent behavior—justifiable so. But who doesn’t like to be pursued?

But on the fourth request a couple days later, I decided I would go out with him. Honestly, I was just more curious than lonely. That happens when you’re fifty and single.

We decided on a Saturday night to go to a movie. However, I decided if a date includes just a movie and not dinner, then the date probably didn’t want to talk to you or get to know you. So, I would be proactive and ask Dude if he wanted to catch a quick bite before the movie. I could, at least, fill in some blanks from our conversations on line.

“Well, it will probably be hard to find a place where we both can eat, because I’m really picky,” he replied.

“You pick. I’m good with whatever.”

Dude met me at our destination, on time, in his Ford truck. We decided that if dinner went well, we could take one car to the movies.

“I hope this is okay, what I wore,” he said in a southern drawl. He wore a baseball cap, tee shirt, and flip-flops. It was January and cold. He was talkative. He rambled on about how he grew up in the Pentecostal church and his belief in God was so strong. I wasn’t surprised when he bowed his head before he ate his buffalo burger and French fries with no condiments. Not even a side of catsup.

Still, I’m thinking, how sweet is this, that this man has a heart for God. I shared about my spiritual beliefs, though I don’t think he was really listening. I gained enough trust in him to ride to the movies in his truck—his very messy truck. He was thinking so much of transporting a person that he left McDonald’s burger remains and ten weeks of old mail strewn all over the passenger seat.

With one sweeping arm movement, the mess on the seat flew to the floorboard below me. I jumped into the truck, and off we went.

The movie was nice. I love a good romantic comedy. He nudged my knee a few times and rubbed his hand on mine. As soon as I made a move to lay my hand on his, he fidgeted away. A little controlling, I thought.

On the way back to my car he said that he had to go to take care of his Dachshund. I was relieved. He exited, but not before laying a very heavy –laden, three-tongued-alarm kiss on me.

I gulped and said goodbye trying to regain control of my throat after almost gagging on his 9-inch tongue, which must have been part reptilian.

.

Two days later he told me, via email, the date was really bad for him and to please never contact him again.

Bad for him?  That’s all I’m sayin’!

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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.

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