Never Get Hurt Again from Choosing the Wrong Partner

Never Get Hurt Again from Choosing the Wrong Partner

Damn. I wish I had found this book about 30 years ago. I believe I have found the guide that actually tells me exactly what I have been doing wrong all these years. The book is about Adult Attachment.

There are three kinds of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant.

1.     Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving;

2.     Anxious people crave intimacy but are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; and

3.     Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

These styles differ in the way they deal with:

Ø  Intimacy

Ø  Conflict

Ø  Sex

Ø  Communication

Ø  And expectation from their partner.

All people fit into one of these categories. Some, however, fit into two categories, which would be anxious and avoidant at the same time.

My hope this week is to go over all of the issues of this book and translate them into some kind of easy format for us to follow together. Who knows, maybe I’ll write the “Dummy’s guide to Attachment Disorder.”

The book is called simply: “Attached.” It is written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. If you would like to buy the book and study along with me, I’m going to be going chapter by chapter this week.

To understand the book’s context we need to understand the definition of a couple words:

Protest Behavior – A behavior such as calling someone three times, instead of once to see where they are.  Making someone try to feel jealous to woo them back to loving you.

Dependency – We have looked at dependency in relationship as being a bad word. In theory, most relationships are based on healthy dependency. When we start life, we have a mother who comes to care for us when we cry. She feeds us and comforts us. This kind of dependent behavior is set in our neuro biology. We long for someone to be there for us in our time of need and expectation. We want someone to be there when we graduate from college after 10 years of being away from school. This is part of good relationship, not bad.

We’ll talk about the difference between codependent and healthy dependent relationships later. But just to let you know, that it is an okay thing to need your spouse to hold you sometimes when you’re scared. That spouse shouldn’t be saying, “Buck up, and be an adult!” That spouse should gladly be there for you, if he or she can.

There are three statements below that will help you find which attachment state you are in right now:

1.     Secure Attachment: I find it relatively easy to get close to someone and I’m comfortable with someone depending on me, and I don’t mind depending on someone else in some situations.  I don’t usually worry about being abandoned or have issues with people being too close to me.

2.     Avoidant Attachment: I am somewhat uncomfortable being too close to others: I find it difficult to trust completely. I certainly don’t want to depend on anyone but myself. I get nervous when a partner or friend gets too close to me.

3.     Anxious Attachment: I often find people aren’t willing to get close to me. I worry that people don’t really love me or won’t stick around for too long. I want to merge completely with another person—that makes me feel safe. I know it’s strange, but I scare people away by doing that.

All of these definitions and this identity will lead to understanding what to look for…

(To Read the rest of this Blog, please click on the link below. Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.  www.blog2grow4spirit.com )