DO YOU FEEL DESERVING OF YOUR LIFE?

(Before I forget, the answers to yesterday’s Blog were Avoidant, Anxious, and Secure.)

I spoke with a dear friend this morning about a person I knew who opted to leave a situation that was very comfortable, upper middle class, loving and peaceful, for a simple apartment by herself away from her partner. I couldn’t understand it, especially since she loved her partner, and her partner loved her back.

My wise friend simply said: “She must not have felt like she deserved the life that her partner offered her.”

It occurred to me then that this was, indeed, the answer. If you grew up like I did, living from paycheck to paycheck, barely making ends meet, you probably would feel it was unfair to take advantage of someone else’s good fortune in a loving relationship if you hadn’t earned it yourself.

Now, I know there are some people who have a sense of self centeredness that would completely defy those odds and completely take advantage of the situation and probably even abuse it. But I’m talking about a normal person who has had to really make a way for him/herself in this world. I believe it would be difficult to accept the richness of a world that was given without a feeling of justification.

But let’s look at the world of spirit. What does God expect of us? Is life always about reciprocity? If you won the lottery tomorrow—the Powerball—and came into 500 million dollars, would you feel like you deserved it? Or would you reject it? If you struck oil in your yard, would you think you didn’t deserve it?

You hadn’t done anything to deserve it except buy a ticket and take a chance or dig a hole. Yet, I bet 99.9999% of all people would have no problem thinking either was a divine gift from heaven. Which one of us is deserving of a divine gift from heaven? And what kind of reciprocal deed would we have to have done to receive such abundance? I’m not sure there is an answer to that.

I bet you if you ask most Powerball winners, they are just normal people and some probably don’t even believe in God. Maybe some become philanthropists and enjoy helping people as they enjoy a life of leisure. Perhaps, that is the only way they could enjoy the money. If someone such as I would receive a blessing like the Lottery Jackpot, I definitely would feel compelled to give a lot of the money away. I think the reason would be because I would feel that my wealth couldn’t be justified without those around me sharing in my good fortune with me.

When I have dreamed about the “what if” I would win the lottery, the first thing I think about is who I would help. Somewhere in my subconscious I believe it is only right to give when you receive from heaven. Is that me trying to justify a gift from God? Could be.

So, getting back to the person who wants to move out of a secure situation to make her way into an insecure independent situation, what of her nature? Could she just be an insecurely avoidant, attached individual who needs to work on her ability to feel securely attached? I think so.

If she moves on into an independent situation, she follows the path of her past and never gives herself the chance to feel a sense of secure attachment.

My

 dear friends of “Blog to Grow for Spirit,” I am so happy to announce that for this Holiday season I am offering two special editions of Inspirational Books: IN SEARCH OF A MORE AUTHENTIC YOU, Book 1 and Book 2. Each book has 100 readings from my spiritual and inspirational writings.

If you have someone you’ve been wanting to share my blog with, I’d recommend getting a copy for this special person this season. I am only offering this book in Kindle or PDF platform this season. But if you want to get it, print it out, and give it to someone you love, you are certainly welcome to do that.

The

 cost for each book is only $3.99.  You can’t beat that for a Christmas bargain. All you have to do is send me an email atbosebastian5@gmail.com and I will send you the book via email as an attachment. You can pay for the book by Paypal (bosebastian5@me.com), Credit Card [by providing info in the email or by phone (615) 400-2334], or by sending a check to:

Bo Sebastian

5001 Maywood Drive

Nashville, TN 37211

Also, for this season, please consider shopping at shop.bosebastian.com for mp3s, books, paintings, and gift certificates for any services I offer: hypnotherapy, private yoga, vocal lessons, and private vegetarian cooking classes.

I’ll be happy to send you a beautiful gift certificate or you can create one of your own. Again payment can be by Paypal (bosebastian5@me.com), Credit Card [by providing info in the email or by phone (615) 400-2334], or by sending a check to the above address.

Many thanks to you for supporting me and my work: To Grow For Spirit.

Bo Sebastian, CHT

  

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.  

I am trying to spread the word about my blog and I need your help. Please let your friends know it exists, if it gives you hope and blesses you each day. Your connection to me blesses me in everyway possible. And I would be greatly pleased for you to share anything that you read by clicking the share button in Facebook.com/bo.sebastian, or add it to your Twitter at BoSebastian; or LinkedIN atBosebastian5@gmail.com; or find me at www.bosebastian.com. Any of my books can be found on Amazon, just by typing my name in the header.

FRIENDS: CLICK ON THE <<MORE>> BUTTON TO VOTE, LIKE, COMMENT OR SHARE… Thanks, Bo.  

How Attuned Are you to a Perspective Dating Experience

I’m going to write three different scenarios below. I’d like for you to read them and judging by the past two blogs, tell me if Carl, Mitch and Billy are Avoidant, Anxious, or Securely Attached Styles:

Scenario One:

Carl met Jean on line. They got to know each other through a slew of emails. Before they ever got together for coffee, Jean had discovered volumes about Carl’s past and his beliefs about life. But had he she asked the questions that would clue her into whether or not he would make for a good mate?

When Jean first saw Carl she wasn’t all that impressed with his looks. He looked about twenty pounds heavier than his pictures. He was a bit disheveled and barely smiled when they met. Soon after they sat down for coffee and ordered, Carl told Jean that she looked as pretty as her pictures.

He began the conversation with the weather then cleverly moved it back to what he was doing in life. He had been pursuing a big account at work and was very proud that he just landed the biggest account of his career. Jean interjected that her career was going well, but Carl didn’t counter with any questions about what exactly in her career was good. He continued on about the money he would be getting from landing this deal and the big trip he planned to take with it.

Carl liked to go away by himself every six months for a week or two. It had become a ritual with him. Jean had learned that in Carl’s last six-year relationship, Carl started out living with his wife, then they moved apart and got along a lot better. So, they continued to be involved for another three years.

Scenario Two:

Bob and Billy had met through mutual friends a few times, but really didn’t know each other too well except for a cordial hello. Soon after one of Bob’s break-ups, he decided to try asking some friends to fix him up. Eventually someone singled Bob and Billy out for a double date. The couples’ dinner went great. Bob and Billy enjoyed getting to know each other through a string of stories told by their mutual friends.

Bob called Billy right away and wanted to have a single’s date. So, they hooked up that weekend for dinner and a movie. After the movie, Billy wanted to come in, but Bob was hesitant, because he didn’t want things to move too quickly. But Billy pushed his way past Bob’s boundaries by asking to use the bathroom. Once in the house, he leaped on Bob and started to kiss him. The kissing became passionate.

Bob hadn’t had a date in a while or had any intimacy for over a year, since his last relationship took about that long to wilt away and die. So, though Bob didn’t want to go quickly, he let things spiral out of control. They ended up having sex.

Billy stayed over night, but had to get up early to go home, shower and change, and get to work by seven. But the telephone started ringing at eight. From eight to seven that evening, Bob had gotten six nice phone calls from Billy telling him how much he enjoyed their time together and couldn’t wait for their next date.

Scenario Number Three:

Mitch and Susan had been friends since they were children. Mitch moved away to become a physician in Los Angeles and Susan stayed in Nashville to be a homemaker and mother with the first man who asked her to marry. By the time Susan was twenty-nine, she had realized that her husband was a narcissist. Her two children and she were at risk of harm if she didn’t leave him. She did so and had been single for about four years before Mitch returned to Nashville to pursue a private family practice. Mitch, too, had been married, but had no children.

They saw each other at a mutual friend’s Christmas party and immediate hit it off as if it were the old times. They had been chums and best friends, but had never dated. But there was something different now. They both were sensing a great attraction.

They pursued going out to coffee. Met to jog at their old haunt.  They got together with some old friends. Susan introduced Mitch to her children, and they all had a movie night together.

It took about two months before they had their first kiss. But it was worth the wait. It was magical. It seemed that after that kiss, they knew that everything in their lives had been moving toward the moment that their paths crossed.

I’ll let you know in tomorrow’s blog which is which. Or you can email me with your answers.

What Kind of Attachment Style Does Your Date/Partner Have?

What Kind of Attachment Style Does Your Date/Partner Have?

It may be very easy to answer questions about yourself, but much harder to see inside another person’s brain. However, what your perspective someone says, how he/she reacts to situations, and what he/she doesn’t say is all very telling if you are listening. Remember, you are looking for lasting relationships. Don’t waste your time with people who are overly avoidant or overly anxious. Here are some things to be aware of:

For an Avoidant Person:

• They send mixed signals
• Values his/her independence greatly
• Devalues you (or previous partners)
• Uses distancing strategies—emotional or physical
• Emphasizes boundaries in relationship
• Has an unrealistic view of how relationship should be
• Mistrustful—fears being taken advantage of
• Has rigid views and uncompromising rules
• During a disagreement explodes and may walk away
• Doesn’t make his/her intention clear
• Has difficulty talking about what’s really going on between you

For a Secure Person:

• This person is reliable and consistent
• Makes decision with you
• Has a flexible view of relationships
• Communicates well
• Can reach compromises
• Not afraid of commitment
• Doesn’t view relationship as hard work
• Closeness creates further closeness
• Introduces friends and family early on
• Naturally expresses feelings for you
• Doesn’t play games

For an Anxiously Attached Person:

• Wants a lot of closeness quickly…

(To Read the rest of this Blog, please click on the link below. Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.  www.blog2grow4spirit.com )

Finding Your Attachment Style

Today if you want to participate in this test, you’ll have to go to the blog to do it. Facebook would not allow for a graph to be inserted here where I would need to place 3 columns with pertinent boxes showing you which boxes to check if you satisfy the category. This test is wonderful to show you who you are in relationship. Finding out who you are is the first step to finding a fulfilling and loving relationship. So, I encourage you to take the test and see the results on my blog link below. Here are some samples of statements you will find:

Finding Your Attachment Style

(First published in 1998 by Kelly Brennan, Catherine Clark and Phillip Shaver, later revised by Niels Waller and Kelly Brennan)

		True
	A		B	C
I often worry that my partner will stop loving me.	O
I find it easy to be affectionate with my partner.			O
I fear that once someone gets to know the real me, s/he won’t like who I am.	O
I find that I bounce back quickly after a breakup. It’s weird how I can just put someone out of my mind.				O
When I’m not involved in a relationship, I feel somewhat anxious and incomplete.	O
I find it difficult to emotionally support my partner when s/he is feeling down.				O
When my partner is away, I’m afraid that s/he might become interested in someone else.	O
I feel comfortable depending on romantic partners.			O
My independence is more important to me than my relationships.				O
I prefer not to share my innermost feelings with my partner.				O
When I show my partner how I feel, I’m afraid s/he will not feel the same about me.	O
I am generally satisfied with my romantic relationships.			O
I don’t feel the need to act out much in my romantic relationships.			O
I think about my relationships a lot.	O
I find it difficult to depend on romantic partners.				O
I tend to get very quickly attached to a romantic partner.	O
I have little difficulty expressing my needs and wants to my partner.			O
I sometimes feel angry or annoyed with my partner without knowing why.				O
I am very sensitive to my partner’s moods.	O
I believe most people are essentially honest and dependable.			O
I prefer casual sex with uncommitted partners to intimate sex with one person.				O
I’m comfortable sharing my personal thoughts and feelings with my partner.			O

 (To Read the rest of this Blog and get your score, please click on the link below. Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.  www.blog2grow4spirit.com )

Never Get Hurt Again from Choosing the Wrong Partner

Never Get Hurt Again from Choosing the Wrong Partner

Damn. I wish I had found this book about 30 years ago. I believe I have found the guide that actually tells me exactly what I have been doing wrong all these years. The book is about Adult Attachment.

There are three kinds of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant.

1.     Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving;

2.     Anxious people crave intimacy but are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; and

3.     Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

These styles differ in the way they deal with:

Ø  Intimacy

Ø  Conflict

Ø  Sex

Ø  Communication

Ø  And expectation from their partner.

All people fit into one of these categories. Some, however, fit into two categories, which would be anxious and avoidant at the same time.

My hope this week is to go over all of the issues of this book and translate them into some kind of easy format for us to follow together. Who knows, maybe I’ll write the “Dummy’s guide to Attachment Disorder.”

The book is called simply: “Attached.” It is written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. If you would like to buy the book and study along with me, I’m going to be going chapter by chapter this week.

To understand the book’s context we need to understand the definition of a couple words:

Protest Behavior – A behavior such as calling someone three times, instead of once to see where they are.  Making someone try to feel jealous to woo them back to loving you.

Dependency – We have looked at dependency in relationship as being a bad word. In theory, most relationships are based on healthy dependency. When we start life, we have a mother who comes to care for us when we cry. She feeds us and comforts us. This kind of dependent behavior is set in our neuro biology. We long for someone to be there for us in our time of need and expectation. We want someone to be there when we graduate from college after 10 years of being away from school. This is part of good relationship, not bad.

We’ll talk about the difference between codependent and healthy dependent relationships later. But just to let you know, that it is an okay thing to need your spouse to hold you sometimes when you’re scared. That spouse shouldn’t be saying, “Buck up, and be an adult!” That spouse should gladly be there for you, if he or she can.

There are three statements below that will help you find which attachment state you are in right now:

1.     Secure Attachment: I find it relatively easy to get close to someone and I’m comfortable with someone depending on me, and I don’t mind depending on someone else in some situations.  I don’t usually worry about being abandoned or have issues with people being too close to me.

2.     Avoidant Attachment: I am somewhat uncomfortable being too close to others: I find it difficult to trust completely. I certainly don’t want to depend on anyone but myself. I get nervous when a partner or friend gets too close to me.

3.     Anxious Attachment: I often find people aren’t willing to get close to me. I worry that people don’t really love me or won’t stick around for too long. I want to merge completely with another person—that makes me feel safe. I know it’s strange, but I scare people away by doing that.

All of these definitions and this identity will lead to understanding what to look for…

(To Read the rest of this Blog, please click on the link below. Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.  www.blog2grow4spirit.com )

A Lot from a Little

A Lot from a Little

This week has been one of those monumental weeks when you stand back and look at life and wonder if you had just turned a huge bend toward some vast light in the distance. Strength from a place I have never been came rushing toward me to find a new home in my heart.

We learn in psychology that in just twenty-four hours a child learns to mimic the facial expressions of a parent. In a year the child has most of his or her learning mechanisms and love/relationship mechanics in place for the rest of life. That is, of course, unless he or she awakens to a bad behavior and decides that change in Self must take place, even if it takes an entire lifetime.

That person was me. I saw a young boy abandoned and strangled of love early and with little hope of ever having a healthy relationship. I watched people like me, who I attracted to my life, repeat my lessons over and over before me, and yet we all never changed.

Until one day I woke up from the dream and realized that one person could change my life and that person would have to be me. So, I let go of false hope that I had in old relationships, let go of old thought and religion that no longer served me and began to swim in a new vast ocean of Self awareness that started, interestingly enough, with a very loud, agonizing cry, much like a child at birth.

When the last tear was shed, I felt alone and abandoned, but not for long...

 (To Read the rest of this Blog, please click on the link below. Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.  www.blog2grow4spirit.com )

Windows of My Soul

Windows of My Soul

In the morning when I get up, one of the first things I do is open the blinds to let the sun in. The morning glow of the sun brightens my day and wakes up my soul. The sun reminds me that a new day begins now and a new chance to make a difference in the world starts when I do.

Did you know that your soul also has a window?

Let’s define the soul here as the ephemeral heart of human body. When our heart is open, it lets in a myriad of energies around it in. Your heart can draw in peace from a lovely garden, tension from work, romance from a loving spouse, or the opposite—friction from an unloving relationship.

So, whether or not we open the blinds to our heart often depends on what’s around us. I mean, we don’t want to let the drug-induced rage-filled neighbor into our heart before our day gets started. That would be the worst decision ever. Then we would be bogged down with their energy and never get a real start with our own God-centered energy.

What we have to learn to do is open and close the blinds of our hearts in situations that protect us from harm. The metaphor is similar to someone knocking at your door. You don’t let everyone who knocks at your door into your house.

You sometimes look through the peephole and pretend you’re not even home. Other times, you open the door and simply say, “I’m not interested.” Then, of course, there are times when you are not sure if the little girl from down the street selling Girl Scout Cookies is worthy of coming too far in because the farther she comes into the foyer the more you may get bilked into buying a dozen boxes of Savannah Smiles.

But the worst case scenario is the annoying mother or friend or sister who shows up unannounced and barges in without an invitation….

(To Read the rest of this Blog, please click on the link below. Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.  www.blog2grow4spirit.com )

Aftermath

The AfterMath

I wondered what Aftermath meant. The word actually means new grass growing after a harvest. But its alternative meaning is much more negative: The consequences of a significant, unpleasant event.

The reason I was even thinking about aftermath was because a great many people will be coming home after dysfunctional family gatherings today or this weekend. The aftermath is an interesting perspective to take after such an event.

Let’s start with expectations. Did we go into this event hoping that it would somehow be different than the rest of the holidays we encountered with our families? If so, why?

When it didn’t turn out any different, how exactly did you feel about that?

Did you make any commitments to never meet again? Because truly the only way out of dysfunction is to release yourself from your involvement in it, no matter if it’s family or not.

I, personally, spent my holiday watching an entire family that wasn’t mine. I did so, most of the time in silence, because I wanted to see how behavior unfolded, and I didn’t want to be a catalyst for any new behavior.

I noticed this: Most people want to be happy. They want family gatherings to work out. They plan them to work out. But you get ten people in a room together with different ideas about what “working out” means, and suddenly the dynamic changes.

Perhaps, one or two of the people are actually in therapy. They are discovering what it is to be individuals with ideas completely independent of their family. So, when one of these siblings or parents interrupts the conversation with something foreign, all the rest rebels. What of this?

Well, rebellion is the beginning of change, if you want to stay in the fight and help change happen for the good. But fighting isn’t a good course to make anything happen. My thoughts on this are: If someone says something that ruffles your feathers, you simply respond with a strong, independent, retort that shows you have better boundaries than ever. Let’s take an example.

Mary has been working on her issues with her mother in counseling or life coaching. She was the firstborn and has always been treated differently than the rest of the siblings. Mom simply tromps right over her and expects her to be kind in return. So, Mom says something like this at dinner, “Mary, are you sure you should be feeding your kids all those carbs? You remember how hard it is to get rid of that extra weight.”

Mary says, …

(To Read the rest of this Blog, please click on the link below. Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.  www.blog2grow4spirit.com )

Thankfulness and Regret

Thankfulness and Regret

We hear so many stories around holidays about family issues and gatherings gone awry from siblings and parents forcibly getting together on that same holiday occasion, because no one really gets along, no one really knows each other, and families tend to make less of an effort to become authentic toward each other. What exactly does that make us thankful for?

Well, it makes me thankful for the family who does take time to be authentic and even more thankful for the friends who step up as surrogate family members and grow closer and more intimate with each passing day.

Usually on holidays, I make it a point to invite friends who don’t have a place to go for dinner to my home. This intimacy is the finest way to spend a holy day. We should celebrate with those who matter most to us. We should honor the people who take time to give daily, weekly, monthly to our lives in fulfilling and tender ways.

So, can we be thankful if we have never experienced the regret of having someone in our lives who we are not so thankful for? I wonder. I believe it is not possible to truly experience and understand good without knowing bad. True thankfulness is born of this juxtaposition. Even if as a voyeur you experience what could be by spending the day with homeless, you get the picture of true thankfulness. But if one never finds the opposing feeling to thankfulness, he or she has lost the most important lesson in life.

My

 dear friends of “Blog to Grow for Spirit,” I am so happy to announce that for this Holiday season I am offering two special editions of Inspirational Books: IN SEARCH OF A MORE AUTHENTIC YOU, Book 1 and Book 2. Each book has 100 readings from my spiritual and inspirational writings.

If you have someone you’ve been wanting to share my blog with, I’d recommend getting a copy for this special person this season. I am only offering this book in Kindle or PDF platform this season. But if you want to get it, print it out, and give it to someone you love, you are certainly welcome to do that.

The

 cost for each book is only $3.99.  You can’t beat that for a Christmas bargain. All you have to do is send me an email at bosebastian5@gmail.com and I will send you the book via email as an attachment. You can pay for the book by Paypal (bosebastian5@me.com), Credit Card [by providing info in the email or by phone (615) 400-2334], or by sending a check to:

Bo Sebastian

5001 Maywood Drive

Nashville, TN 37211

Also, for this season, please consider shopping at shop.bosebastian.com for mp3s, books, paintings, and gift certificates for any services I offer: hypnotherapy, private yoga, vocal lessons, and private vegetarian cooking classes.

I’ll be happy to send you a beautiful gift certificate or you can create one of your own. Again payment can be by Paypal (bosebastian5@me.com), Credit Card [by providing info in the email or by phone (615) 400-2334], or by sending a check to the above address.

Many thanks to you for supporting me and my work: To Grow For Spirit.

Bo Sebastian, CHT

* * *

Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and LifeCoach, available for private sessions to Quit Smoking, Lose Weight with the new Lap Band-Hypnosis, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334.