How Hard Is It to Say “I Love You?”
I had a married couple come in to see me to work on
communication. I asked the woman when she knew her husband was the right
person. She replied, “As soon as I met him.” I asked the same question of the
husband. His response was, “When I realized that she would be a good mother and
wife.” The woman began to tear up immediately, probably, because she realized
that her desire to marry her husband had much more to do with passionate love
than his. In fact, she told me that to get him to say he loved her, she would
always have to say the words first.
My question is: How hard is it to say I love you?
The answer would be hidden in your idea of what love is
and the expectations it brings. Many people, especially those who have been brought
up in the kinds of churches where the term love
was often used in statements such as… “I love you, brother.” Or “I love you in
Christ, Sister,” are more apt to believe that love is the state of relationship
we are meant to be in with one another as a result of spiritual commitment and
belief. Those who are not of a
spiritual ilk may take the words more seriously, especially, when they concern
intimate relationships. I have noticed in the past, that people who are avoidantly
attached have much difficulty in saying the words “I love you,” mostly because
it means commitment and attaching to someone securely, which is out of the
paradigm of avoidant behavior.
Men and women exist, however, who simply have trouble
using the word love in relationships
because they are afraid of hurt. If they open their hearts to love, then the
unavoidable pain that comes with love will cover their much-protected lives
with grief. Let me just get all of you avoidant men and women off the hook.
When you say, “I love you,” you can qualify what you mean. You can say, “I love
being with you, sharing with you, having intimacy with you, or laughing with
you.” You don’t have to say the word and immediately attach it to longevity and
marriage. Let’s face it, love is a state of mind for most people. The ones who
think that love means marriage, obviously have NOT been in love too many times
in their life.
If you’re like me, then you know that you can fall in and
out of the “feeling” of love many times in a lifetimes without losing your life
or even much energy. Sometimes, love just wanes and you move on. Other times, a
painful breakup occurs, and that’s never too fun. But, would you rather that
your life be bereft of love and intimacy or open your heart to someone to see
if the relationship works out?
Some people think I have been way too vulnerable over the
years with relationships. That may be true. But I don’t regret my life or
experiencing the different kinds of love that has come my way. I understand
now, more than ever, that love simply accompanies commitment. Commitment is the
more important of the two feelings. Security comes with a sense of trust and
commitment, not with the feeling of love. Some may attribute
security and trust with the word love,
but most simply rely on the feeling alone. With that being said, let’s say “I
love you” more often and retreat from committing too early in relationships
that have no basis for security. I love you gives us all a feeling of deep
caring and joy, especially those who have been insecurely attached at childhood
and are anxious in human relationships. Saying what you feel is a an authentic
and wonderful attribute in anyone.
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