The Avoidant Heart
If you find that you get close to an intimate partner, then
suddenly sabotage the relationship by a sudden attraction to the prettiest or
handsomest person in the room, you probably have an avoidantly attached heart.
In other words, your mind is keeping you from the most intimate relationship in
your life, because you’re subconsciously afraid of abandonment and hurt.
The avoidantly attached is one of the hardest of the
attachment styles to understand and change. If you never had peace and security
with one or more parent, then chances are a mark was left in your heart. The
repetition of bad relationships will continue until you deal with the loss of
your primary attachment.
Other ways you can tell if you are an avoidantly attached
style is if you find yourself wishing for a relationship, but never really
pursuing one. Or if you get into a relationship that feels intimate and loving,
you pull away suddenly for no reason. This may feel like distrust. You may see
signs of something that disturbs you in your intimate partner—I’d guess it
would be signs that person is getting too close. You may feel like the person
is smothering you. But often, the avoidantly attached feels these emotions even
when a secure relationship presents itself.
I’ll give you a few examples:
Jeff is a very handsome, buff man. He knows he can attract
just about anyone he puts his attention on. However, the attraction and the
pursuit is the high for him. He doesn’t realize it now, but he is acting like
an addict in relationship. He gets high off of other people’s desire for him
sexually and intimately. Though Jeff may recognize that he can’t get too close
to people, he still enjoys the high too much to give it up. He continues his
sexual pursuits, even though he knows he is hurting himself and others. Jeff is
avoidantly attached.
Marcia is a self-made millionaire. She has worked hard for
twenty-five years to raise a family, deal with a cheating husband, keep a
successful job, and maintain a great amount of personal charm and beauty. After
her divorce, she has dated 15 men. All of them seem to have some big problem
she can’t deal with. She doesn’t consider talking about the problem. She simply
dismisses them, as if she were an inspector on an assembly line. Marcia thinks
she wants intimacy, but she’s afraid that this new person will hurt her just
like her ex-husband did. Marcia has become avoidantly attached.
In the latter case, Marcia is more likely to overcome her
problem if she seeks therapy. In the first case, Jeff will have to truly want
to make a shift in his mind and take the time to do some serious rewiring for
his traits to change, but it’s possible. Let’s face it, anything is possible.
If I can actually be in a healthy relationship after all the
lies, cheaters, and childhood abuse I suffered, anyone can learn to change their
minds. With a clear change in your thought process and an observer awareness of
the behavior you want to alter, almost anyone can find secure love.
______________________________________________
Go to Week 4
of the “Year to CLEAR
Challenge” at www.Bosebastian.com
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Look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to Effective Change” with a
Year to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my
Website in the Webstore. Thanks!
Below is information that I will be sharing for about a
month, as not every person on my list reads the blog every day. If you have
already read it, just skip over it. Thanks for understanding.
A
Year to CLEAR Challenge:
(Please Know: You Can Join Us At Any Point in the Year
Challenge.)
The masses search outward for things that qualify them as a
person, but I always go inward for that which quantifies me for greatness. At
twenty-five I preached on street corners in NYC as an in-the-closet Pentecostal
minister. One day I heard a still small voice say, ‘God cannot be contained in a
book or a law or even in a religion. Dig deeper, reach further to find me, and
you will find your authentic Self.’”
A Year to CLEAR Challenge!
The acronym CLEAR
stands for (Compassionate, Loving,
Enthusiastic, And Relationship-Ready). The goal of this project is to
engulf readers in a weekly study that will transform them by removing blocks,
promote self-growth, and give them wings to fly freely into daily life. Each
week, by going to BoSebastian.com and choosing the Year to CLEAR Challenge tab,
a new challenge or thought to provoke conversation, growth, and group
functionality.
My vision is to make Finding Authentic You the book to
have in your Kindle or on your computer. The book is a comprehensive look at
growth—spiritually, mentally, and physically.
As a yoga teacher and student of the Ayurvedic tradition, I bring
to the table understanding of physical challenges, the ability to overcome
mental problems with Life & Health Coaching, as well as hypnotherapy, and
expertise in meditation and spirituality as a minister.
The combination of all three in one book with an interactive
connection to like-minded readers, for one year, is what makes this Year to
CLEAR Challenge a must-do for every spiritual seeker.
The One-Year Approach to Change
No one believes he or she can change overnight. But success in
change comes from the metaphors of nature. Seasonally, life changes all around
us in nature. Finding Authentic You offers a gradual change perspective,
looking at the triune aspects of change as in yoga: Body, Mind and Spirit.
Accessing the
ability to change and finding
yourself actually pursuing change must be a daily search, which I call
getting to the “observer mind.”
In this frontal cortex of the brain we find the anatomy of
change and the power to counter every negative trigger of the human process.
The workings of Hypnosis, NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and EMDR (Eye
Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) are all positive actions to help the
mind and body flow to a positive space for change.
Every aspect of FINDING AUTHENTIC YOU fulfills this
constant need for diffusing the negative past and dreaming of a fulfilling
future.
Step 1: Recognize That Change is Inevitable
Step 2: Release from Resistance
to Change
Step 3: Understanding Change and Allow Spirit to Define It
Step 4: A History Lesson—About You
Step 5: Look at Your Past with Compassion
Step 6: Making a Strong Commitment to Change
Step 7: Dream Your Fabulous Future
TOOLS FOR CHANGE:
Go to Storefront to buy any of the following or make a
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My Latest Book: Finding Authentic You—7 Steps to
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And my “Lessons from the Heart” book ready for
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Go to Home Page: www.BoSebastian.com
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health
Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New
Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at
615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com.
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Also, look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Finding Authentic You, 7 Steps to
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R-elationship-Ready) on my Website in the Webstore. Thanks!
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